Yankeetorial: We must step up our evilness

To the Yankiverse:

Recently, the world found its new Great Satan.

Us.

After refusing to take the vow of poverty expoused by the starving owners of Major League Baseball, we then stole players from Milwaukee, Toronto, Anaheim of Los Angeles and – most unforgiveably – Boston.

Morally, we are hitting .183. We could give away all our money and live with lepers, for a FOX reality show. It wouldn’t help. Our third baseman would still be A-Rod. We are evil. Deliciously evil.


Therefore, let's embrace our vileness.

Here are tips for dealing with poor, hungry fans of Blue Jays or Pirates. They need a Keyser Soze. Let’s give them Keyser Soze. And these tactics will send them over the ledge.

1. Casually use the phrase: "… small market..." as if you mean "...small-minded." Example: "I know you’re a small market fan, Alice, but I’m asking you for once to see the whole picture." Or, “John, those embarrassing small-market prejudices will keep you from getting ahead.”

2. Use an English accent. We must sound like Vincent Price. Use words like “splendid” and "happenstance." Start each laugh with an “M,” as in, “Mwah-ha-ha!” Hire a disfigured assistant, whom you constantly berate. (Beware: He'll fall love with beauties you choose for life-extending experiments.)

3. Always whine about the $24 million luxury tax the Yanks pay MLB. Demand to know where each dime goes. Insist that none goes to shiftless owners or no-account players. Pound your fists. Tell them to get jobs.

4. When discussing non-Yankees, inquire about contracts. "That spendid chap, Chipper Jones, when does he become a free agent?"

5. Rant how big money is ruing baseball. When other teams win, say they "bought" the victory. When we win, highlight the bargain player: "Brett Gardner! Two hits -- for the $400,000 mininum! Mwha-ha-hah."

6. After boasting about our millionaire lineup, always always ALWAYS duck out early and let the Padres fan pay the check.