NEW YORK -- Major League Baseball and its players' association decided there will be no written decision in the case overturning Ryan Braun's drug suspension, while also changing the rules that allowed the Milwaukee Brewers outfielder to get his 50-game penalty thrown out.
MLB and the union announced changes to their drug-testing agreement Thursday in the wake of the Feb. 23 decision by arbitrator Shyam Das to overturn the suspension that followed a positive test by Braun, the NL MVP.
The new protocols:
1. No running, towel-snapping or horseplay involving urine.
2. Do not transport urine home to store in refrigerator, especially lemonade container or soda bottle.
3. In case of contact with eyes, flush immediately. (Note: This is not a joke.)
4. To maintain proper chain-of-custody, urine must be kept under 24-hour video surveillance with at least two armed security personnel present at all times.
5. No brandishing of urine with the intent of scaring, intimidating or making nerdy-typed people vomit.
6. No diluting of urine for purpose of resale.
7. Urine must be treated respectfully, in clear bottle, bathed in light so that beautiful, pristine, frothy golden glow can be admired.
8. No sniffing or ingesting urine for anticipated psychotropic effects.
9. Any re-urination, re-pee, re-release of bladder, or account of the act of urination, without the express written consent of Major League Baseball, is prohibited.
10. Absolutely NO tinkering with urine, such as the adding of illegal performance enhancing drugs, with the intent of making Ryan Braun look bad.