Monday, June 25, 2012

Should the Yankees, in the ultimate attempt at torturing Redsock fans, go after Youkilis?

OK, I admit it: At first glance, the notion seems ridiculous: What do we need with Kevin Youkilis? Don't we already have enough slow-footed, overpriced, DH-oriented former sluggers? Yeesh. We have Jack Cust and Russell Branyan sitting on the Montezuma Exit of the NYS Thruway, begging the driver to slow down in the cell phone zone so they can check their messages. Plus, there's no guarantee the White Sox would ever trade us Youkilis. Yep. Whole idea is crazy absurd. Why even think about it?

Well, Jasper, I'll tell you why.

Because we now can!

My friends, we have just been handed the keys to the secret Redsock clubhouse on Cape Cod. Of course, we can stay away and respect their property. Yep. We can be fine, upstanding citizens of the AL East, worthy rivals and pillars of the MLB community.

To anybody who wants that, I say, "Leave now, you chubby Rotarian/Shriner-bot, get out, and don't come back!" This is the Redsock Nation here. In a heartbeat, they'd sign Marinano and have him cross-dressing on behalf of Little Debby snackcakes. I say, we go to the clubhouse, empty the liquor cabinet, write things on the wall with our feces, take pictures and torch it. This isn't Toronto, baby. In the name of Wade Boggs, let's do damage!

They scrapped Youkilis. The Fenway poochies are still wiping tears. The Gammonites, so heavy-hearted with literary remorse, cannot lift their pens. What are we waiting for? This is our shot at bull-goose revenge, the kind JR Ewing perfected o "Dallas," full-scale Ernest Blofeld/Loki stuff. And it's easy: We wait for the White Sox to stumble - maybe this year, maybe next - and swoop in. Once the wallet starts to pinch, we offer to play half the $8 million per - and kaboom - we just bought ourselves a Fenway revenge bomb. This is the equivalent of them planting a David Ortiz jersey in the Yankee Stadium concrete -- WHICH THEY TRIED TO DO. This is why Roger Clemens remains the most hated man in Boston. This is why they still shake their heads at the name "Johnny Damon."

We have the chance for some really top level evil. Seriously, what's more fun - going out in the first round of the playoffs, or messing with the Redsock Nation?

Eric Chavez has one more season left, if we're lucky. Anduw Jones is hitting - what - .205? We need a hitter off the bench. We somebody who hates Boston more than he hates life itself.

I hereby nominate Kevin Youkilis for 2013 IT IS HIGH/OSCAR MAYER LUNCHABLES May Yankee Employee of the Month. I will personally keep the parking space swept out in advance of his arrival.

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