Wednesday, June 6, 2012

10 possible events that would absolutely stun the Roger Clemens trial

1.   Clemens' lawyer, after hours of cross-examination, proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that his client was on the golf course at 3:02 p.m. – not 3:01 p.m. - breaking the prosecution’s case.

2.   Andy Pettitte, recalled, cannot recall what he recalled, when called.

   In middle of closing arguments, plucky country singer Mindy McCready bursts into courtroom, points to government star witness Brian McNamee and cries, “I’M CARRYING HIS BABY!”

4.   Jose Canseco, under brutal cross-examination, admits that he is, in fact, his evil twin brother Ozzie.

   A new-found, grainy video of Jose Canseco’s controversial pool party reveals Clemens peeing into a bush for five straight minutes, the kind of physical act that would be impossible without the use of illegal laxatives.

6.   Under brutal cross-examination, Clemens breaks down and says he never meant to hurt anyone – except Mike Piazza. He did want to hurt Mike Piazza.

7.   Called to the stand as a surprise witness, Bud Selig’s hairpiece takes the Fifth Amendment and refuses to answer questions.

   Andy Pettitte – re-recalled, says he is his now absolutely sure that he cannot recall ever being sure.

   After two more jurors are dismissed for sleeping in court, prosecutors charge that Clemens’ legal team attempted to sabotage the case by stocking the cafeteria with a daily turkey dinner buffet.

 Clemens fires his attorney, announces that he will defend himself and calls himself to the stand. Under self cross-examination, Clemens demands to know what is important in life – baseball or love? He says "Love!" and asks his wife to marry him. Weeping jurors stand and cheer, the judge declares him not guilty, and Clemens rejoins Andy Pettitte to lead the Yankees to the World Series. Then he wakes up and finds it is all a dream, and he is being played in a movie by Channing Tatum, and you're right - this doesn't make sense. But tell me: What does? Trading Jesus Montero for a pitcher who cannot throw? The wrong man is on trial! This trial is out of order! This court is out of order!