Saturday, June 23, 2012

Yankeetorial: Are the Met fans using dark juju?

First off, let’s be straight:

Defeat is chickenhood.

If a Met calls you “chicken,” and then beats you… well Clucky, you have no excuse for your feathers being ruffled.

Last night, we lost our third in a row. To the Mehs. The lowly, otherworldly, fly-under-our-boot-heel Mehs. We will certainly lose Sunday, the lone question being whether R.A. Dickey will throw a no-hitter. Thus, unless we win today, we will follow our celebrated 10-game winning streak with five consecutive losses. Yeesh. We might keep losing until the International Juju Intervention has been completely nullified.

Folks, somebody out there is using hard juju on us.

They have gone Aleister Crowley on us.

Are Met fans dabbling in the black arts?

I have a theory. About a month ago, the Yankees were horrible. Ruth Bader Ginsburg had a better chance of plating a man. Then we unleashed the International Juju Intervention, putting a rift into the universal juju-space continuum. We thought it would only affect the Yankees. What if we were wrong?

One moment, Facebook stock was worth $40 a share. The next, it was $29. A couple billion dollars abruptly vanished – to where – to R.A. Dickey?

Suddenly, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were dating, and homeless people were eating each other’s faces, Brett Gardner could not heal, and R.A. Dickey is Sandy Koufax at 80 mph.

Ever since the Juju Intervention, the world has been on bath salts – yes, BATH SALTS. WTF is going on? Bath salts? I’m no quantum physicist, but I’ve seen enough Twilight Zone episodes to know what’s happening: You go screwing around with the Large Hadron Supercollider, poking your little ray shooters into the wrong particle, and the next thing you know, we're in a different universe, Mariano is hurt, Phil Hughes is pitching well, and the whole world is crazy over the Bay City Rollers. (Actually, the whole world isn’t crazy about the Bay City Rollers; I was reaching for the strangest image I could think of.)

Last night, we were chickens. The Redsocks are closing on us.

Today, we need a break. Have we used our quota?

1 comment:

manx said...

Do the Mets have New York Life on their side? Since 1845, New York Life has been keeping families safe and secure. That's New York Life. The company. You keep.