Saturday, September 27, 2014

After this weekend, the face of the Yankees changes from Jeter to A-Rod

How's this for an icy bucket of Gatorade poured down your back:

After Sunday, our biggest name becomes the nation's most hated American after Jihad Johnny.

The day after tomorrow, instead of recalling the Flip and the Dive, we've got Super Bowl flashbacks to Cameron Diaz stuffing popcorn into an open maw.

Starting Monday, Steiner Collectibles can market limited edition, keepsake vials of glowing piss.

We're about to go from receiving warm and fuzzy hugs - confirmed Yankee haters coming up to say how much they always respected Jeter - back to the days of the hairy eyeball, and the sense that somebody just spat in your drink.

Next week, Alex Rodriguez' suspension ends.

What can we do? Well... the Weasel Empire could:

a) Jettison A-Rod. Just pay him off, or trade him for scrap, and eat the remaining years on his contract. That could leave us with the only thing worse than A-Rod returning - which would be to watch him have a great season for some other team, while we pay his salary. The odds are slim, but what if he hits 40 HRs and leads Seattle to the World Series? If that were to happen, frankly, I fear the things that I would write on this blog. The authorities would put me in Gitmo.

b) Roll the dice and play him. I prefer this option, though I respect that most Yankee fans barf at the thought of him. I say this: It's nice to have the focus of the world on the Yankees. I'd rather everyone boo us - especially the Oh Dears on ESPN - than have nobody give a crap. Next year, with or without A-Rod, the Yankees could finish below .500. Why be good losers? If we're going to be bad, let's be evil, too.

Just imagine yourself at a football game with a raging, aging psycho dominatrix pressing popcorn into your mouth. That's us. That's the face of the Yankees, starting Monday. Chew, everybody, chew.


Celerino Sanchez said...

The sheer entertainment value of a year with A-Rod gives me goose bumps. Please God, give us something to passionately gab about in 2015 and divert our attention from of the inevitable dreck that will be on display at 161st and River Ave next year.

John: "An A Bomb from A-Rod"
Suzyn: "Oh STFU, you idiot"

Not Anonymous said...

Agreed. I'm perfectly happy and honestly relishing the thought of playing the villain. I'm going to cheer the hell for A-Rod just to engender the rage. Why the hell not? What else is going for this team. We used to inspire jealousy with a winning team, but with that off the table we can at least send out "History's Greatest Monster". Only the Yankees can have a supervillain.

Buhner's Ghost said...

Frankly, leading Seattle to the World Series while having the Yankees pay him sounds like a win-win to me.

John M said...

Let the guy play. There's always the incredibly slim chance that he has a great year, just to give the finger to the hypocritical, pompous MLB management.

Maybe Cam will come back and feed him uppers from the reactivated 1960s-era bowl in the locker room....

Alphonso said...

I say: let him play third every day. Have him bat clean-up. No days off, even for injury.

He will humiliate himself into retirement.

It will be the only reason to watch the Yankees for the next 10 years.

The Ghost of Scott Brosius said...

Never heard of him.