Hello, Media? We need to talk about the 2014 Yankees...

Ahh, hello, dear media! Welcome, and thanks for stopping by! Your hair looks great. You're working out! Have you lost weight? Please, sit! Relax. We just want to talk...

Now... I want you to imagine yourself far off in the future. We're on a beautiful space ship - the star ship "Enterprise!" where bigotry no longer exists, and we're extending the seed of humanity across the universe, with dignity and grace, and weird sideburns. Now... I want you to imagine that the 2014 Yankees are a member of the crew... that's right, a beloved member, like Scotty... and now, I want you to think of this message being conveyed.

"He's dead, Jim."

That's right, media. Scotty is dead. So are the 2014 Yankees. 

They have been dead for a week, maybe two. Everybody knows this. Everybody has known this for a while. Derek Jeter has known it. Joe Girardi has known it. John and Suzyn have known it - good grief, you heard it in their voices during every at bat. It's over. It's been over now for such a long time, that some of us have blissfully moved on, thinking about next year and starting to appreciate the likes of Hiroki Kuroda and Dellin Betances, the rare glimmers of starlight in an otherwise barren night sky. But really.... it's over. 

You do not need to be doing things like this...

OK, I can appreciate the "Never say die!" spirit, which is supposed to be so heroic in sports. It's "Rudy." It's "Rocky." It's "Remember the Titans." It's Derek Jeter, fighting to the final out. Unfortunately, the 2014 Yankees have not been a fighting, ninth inning comeback team. Nor have they been a very good team, at all. They are basically a .500 team. And media, I want you to take a good look at the Yankee "wild card race," because "slim" isn't exactly the adjective Strunk and White would use.

I would say "ridiculous" is a better descriptor. The Yankees are five losses down, with three teams to pass, and nine to play. If they run the table - 9 and 0 - Oakland or Kansas City must still lose five, and Seattle four. Cleveland? Well - OK, we can probably take Chief Wahoo and his pals. 

OK, media - yes, I know - you gotta go. Taylor Swift just tweeted. One thing, though: I don't want you to feel defensive about this. We understand that you're just doing your job - promoting baseball, selling tickets and distracting us from turning against our lizard people overlords. But the Yankees should not get a free pass on hope, because they don't give their fans a free pass on much of anything. (See Steiner Collectibles; See Stadium Seat Prices; See Stubhub Lawsuit; See NY State Tax Breaks; See Greed.) 

You see, media... as fans, we really don't have any choice here: We have followed the Yankees all our lives. We loved them through Hoss Clarke. We loved them through Lenn Sakata. We will love this team, no matter what. So be straight with us, that's all. 

Now... hey! WTF? Taylor is pissed at Katy? GO-GO-GO! God speed!