Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Will Jeter's great run end in a cold cascade of the devil's rain?

There is no God.

Either that, or He hath changed His rooting allegiance, and the Yankees are no longer His favorite team. For 100 years, God pulled strings on our behalf. Now, frankly, I think He's more interested in Extreme Frisbee.

Last night, everything was aligned to prove that God still watches YES Network with a Yankee cap on His head. With two outs in the ninth, we had the tying run - Brett Gardner, who honors God's commandment: Thou shalt not steal! - perched at first base. Derek Jeter marched the plate. A gapper would tie the game. A walk-off HR would unleash a cataclysm of faith - ending war, famine and pestilence across the globe, and telling everyone that, "Yes, God lives and loves His one true team, the New York Yahwehs!"

Bah.

That's what I say today. Bah. There are no New York Yahwehs. There is just random chance, natural selection, and life is just a series of dog-eat-dog, Charles Darwin-inspired knife-fights in a giant food chain cafeteria. Don't clutch your beads and wait for St. Derek to deliver a miracle. That only happens in the movies. What happens in real life is that the forecast for Thursday - the End of Days on the Steiner Collectible Yankee Calendar - calls for rain, rain, rain. And there is no makeup date. This would be The End.

Let's face it. Somewhere along the way, the Yankees pissed off God. Was it when they yanked the ripcord on Brian Roberts, when he was just two ABs shy of a huge bonus? Was it when we booed Robbie in his return to the stadium? Was it giving a CF plaque to Tino, and letting Bernie wait until next year? What did we do? How did we suddenly slide back into 1988?

Thursday's forecast is rain. Could it really happen?

Thursday, we learn just how badly God hates this team.

6 comments:

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John M said...

This all began in the offseason before the 2001 season. Tino had just had a 35 HR season, and the Yankees had just won another World Series.

And they didn't sign him to come back.

Instead, they got 'Juice' Giambi. They wouldn't win another Series until 2009, deteriorating every year in between, it seemed.

Then, of course, after winning the Series in 2009, they were no longer interested in the heroes of that Series, Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui. They didn't resign them.

You know what's happened since.

Why should God love such a team? Ingrates and boors run the show. And they're not too bright, either.

(p.s...Happy New Year to fans of the House of David, that was a heck of a team.)

Anonymous said...

There were no Jews on the house of david, but John M. is too dumb to know that.

Ben Purnell said...

Anonymous*
I trust you have the same confidence that none of the fans were Jewish?

John M said...

The team was initially made up of Jews. Gentiles were signed as time went on to make them more competitive.

I wonder if Satchel Paige wore a fake (Caucasian) beard like other guys who played for them?

Ken of Brooklyn said...

Does Anonymous have a "John M App" on his smartphone that sounds the alarm the minute John posts on this site??? WOW, rapid response indeed, LOL!!!!!!!!!!!