Boston finally sobers up: "One of the most painful baseball moments in a city’s history of painful baseball moments — a defeat during the 2003 American League Championship Series — was a cause for joy yesterday. Later, an Aretha Franklin impersonator came on the field to sing “Respect.” It’s not often you can say this, but I was just glad my grandfathers are both dead so they didn’t have to live to see this."

Mwha-hahahahaha. This is priceless. It almost makes the entire season worthwhile!

Those stupid Boston idiots... They swallowed the whole Jeter farewell bullshit tour thing - hook, line, sinker, pole and boat.

You know how they think they're so smart? They were too stewpid to see this!  Bobby Orr? Yaz? Bernie Williams?  Did you see the looks on their doltish faces? What clowns. They should have thawed the frozen head of Ted Williams. Where was Roger Clemens and Wade Boggs? Pumpsie Green! Mwah-hahahahaha.

Boston, dear Boston... you poor sad idiots, you crack me up... but listen, I hate to have to tell you this but... hey, this whole thing about Jeter...

IT WAS DONE JUST TO MESS WITH YOU. 

And you bit the worm. Oh, God! Wait a minute, wait a minute, I can still see it -- "Ladies and gentlemen, we've now got a special treat, ten minutes of listening to Bernie Williams on his classical guitar, during a 9-1 game, when you could be a bar getting blottoed..." Hahahahahaha. MAN, ARE YOU PEOPLE STEWWWWWWWWPID OR WHAT?

Oh, my heart, MY HEART, I GOTTA TAKE A PILL.

Listen, hello-o-o? Anybody home? I just gotta say, that was really nice to have you people acting so cordial, so solemn that - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  - no, I'm sorry, let me be serious now, because it was very nice to - hhahaHAHAHAHAHAHA -- ohh, please... really, guys, one last thing, because this was really appreciated, and I wanna say then little Dusty Pedroia retires, you know what? He can lick the lice from my butt crack, free of charge. I can't wait. Hahaugh.