Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Posted by el duque at 8:10 AM
What unspeakable crimes did John and Suzyn commit in their previous lives, which forced them into this Hell - calling 190 games, counting the grapefruit league - of this tedious, rancid, inept collection of salary dumps?
That's all the Yankees are: A giant, six-foot high, steel-sided, salary dumpster. It's located in the dimly lit back lot of some Taco Bell, on a sketchy side of your town. Open the lid, and a pungent stench closes your nose. You hear scurrying sounds inside, and you want to fling your bag over the side and run. But you can't. No. You have to look - because there it is - the iconic team of your youth - the "proud" 2014 Yankees, now selling the belly-button lint of the great Derek Jeter - currently auctioning off every base, every seat, every blade of grass that Steiner Collectibles can yank from the ground. Was any Yankee team more crassly promoted, more pathetically touted, than this keepsake collection of Igawas and Pavanos? At their worst - when Mantle could barely play 1B, or after Reggie had gone to the Angels - was any Yankee team harder to stomach? At least in the days of Matt Nokes and Andy Hassey, you watched over-achievers, lovable lunch pail losers. This team - I can't watch. I CAN'T WATCH!
Last night, o, it wasn't the Yankees' fault! No, no, NO! It was ALL because MLB doesn't have its act together on the rules regarding home plate collisions. That's it! If the league had figured out the correct rules on blocking the plate, the Yankees would have won.
Last night, the Incompetent Empire played Chris Young in left. Wrap your head around that. Chris Young, whom the Mets waived a month ago, after they fell from contention. Chris Young, who hasn't hit a lick in four years. The Yankees signed him - released their "top" OF prospect for the last three years, Zolio Almonte, (who then passed through waivers without a bubble; so much for our farm system, eh?) - and so Chris Young starts a game in our so-called "playoff" drive. Meanwhile, the Mets are now as close to the wild card as the Yankees, and here's another gem of hope: The Blue Jays have passed us! We spent the month of August accumulating new salary dumps, and here we are, playing castoff Mets, and performing worse than any team other than Boston, who is retooling for next year. (FYI: The Redsocks have three prospects - a catcher, a 2B and a pitcher - on Baseball America's 2014 starting first team.) So last night, John and Suzyn - abandoning John's assertion that the Yankees must go 17-4 the rest of the way - (now 17-3) - started discussing next year. And o, what happy thoughts they bring!
John's take: The Yankee front office will have to "do something." Yep, that's what he said. They will have to "do something." (My suggestion: Jump off a bridge.)
Suzyn's take: They can't do nothing. They're tied into salary dumps. They have next year's 1B (Tex), C (McCann), 3B (A-Rod), and OFs (Gardner, Ellsbury, Beltran) and 2B, (if you add the great Prado, whom the Yankees have steadily congratulated themselves on stealing from San Diego, for merely the best young power hitter in their farm system, and at a cost of $11 million per season.) Thus, we can expect the same basic team - a year older.
Go to a Yankee blog or web site. Read the comments. It's like a prison riot in Hell. Everybody is trolling everybody. The Yankiverse is exploding with anger.
Folks, we are entering a dark cloud, closer to the beginning than the exit. Last night, John and Suzyn - calling play-by-play from Hell - just realized for the first time that Brian Cashman has three heads. The dumpster is full. The demons, the things, they are starting to climb out.