Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Posted by el duque at 7:53 AM
First off, one suggestion: A daily cocktail application of Zyprexa and Lamictal can ensure an effective "happy blanket" through rough periods. Feel free to experiment!
Secondly, it's time for a little Florida sinkhole pushback.
For months now, the wretched, mostly invisible fans of Tampa have hoarded and scalped tickets to tonight's Yankee game, believing it will be their last chance to see Derek Jeter play.
Let the Captain sit.
Let him take the night off, see a movie, hang with his girlfriend or gather with buddies to burn that stupid kayak the Rays gave him last night. He shouldn't even show up. Play Zelous Wheeler at shortstop. Or don't even play a shortstop at all. Just have a huge over-shift.
Why would the Yankees subject their captain to another Tampa beanball? Good grief, he's got important home games this week! If a Ray pitcher were to break Jeter's his wrist with an inside fastball, he'd miss games in front of fans that matter.
Twice now - TWICE IN THE LAST WEEK! - he's been nailed by Rays pitchers. Chase Headley took one in the kisser. Overall, the Yankees have been hit five times! FIVE! You know what Auric Goldfinger would have said about that? "Once, Mr. Bond, is happenstance; twice, coincidence; three times is enemy action; four times, jeeze, did you say four? Well, that's a hot stick poked up your butt by Rosa Klebb; and five times - dammit, Mr. Bond, five? After five times, you gotta get Richard "Jaws" Kiel and go 'Deliverance' on those SMERSH bastards. You gotta go Moonraker on Pussy Galore."
Yes sir, it's time to go Moonraker on Pussy Galore, or declare 'World War Jete' on Tampa, or something like that. It's time to show that miserable franchise the Yankees don't need Tampa, don't care about Tampa, and if the people of Tampa are pissed tonight because they came to see the great Number 2, just tell them he's healing from the ball he took on the hand last night, when some Double A bum was throwing at him with a five-run lead.
Sit the Captain.
Screw the Rays and their stupid city. Five times? That's nuclear war. Tonight, let them boo the Rays and cheer Zelous.