Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Open Letter to Joe Girardi: It's payback time in Tampa; don't play Jeter tonight

Dear Joe,

First off, one suggestion: A daily cocktail application of Zyprexa and Lamictal can ensure an effective "happy blanket" through rough periods. Feel free to experiment!

Secondly, it's time for a little Florida sinkhole pushback.

For months now, the wretched, mostly invisible fans of Tampa have hoarded and scalped tickets to tonight's Yankee game, believing it will be their last chance to see Derek Jeter play.

Screw them.

Let the Captain sit.

Let him take the night off, see a movie, hang with his girlfriend or gather with buddies to burn that stupid kayak the Rays gave him last night. He shouldn't even show up. Play Zelous Wheeler at shortstop. Or don't even play a shortstop at all. Just have a huge over-shift.

Why would the Yankees subject their captain to another Tampa beanball? Good grief, he's got important home games this week! If a Ray pitcher were to break Jeter's his wrist with an inside fastball, he'd miss games in front of fans that matter.

Twice now - TWICE IN THE LAST WEEK! - he's been nailed by Rays pitchers. Chase Headley took one in the kisser. Overall, the Yankees have been hit five times! FIVE! You know what Auric Goldfinger would have said about that? "Once, Mr. Bond, is happenstance; twice, coincidence; three times is enemy action; four times, jeeze, did you say four? Well, that's a hot stick poked up your butt by Rosa Klebb; and five times - dammit, Mr. Bond, five? After five times, you gotta get Richard "Jaws" Kiel and go 'Deliverance' on those SMERSH bastards. You gotta go Moonraker on Pussy Galore."

Yes sir, it's time to go Moonraker on Pussy Galore, or declare 'World War Jete' on Tampa, or something like that. It's time to show that miserable franchise the Yankees don't need Tampa, don't care about Tampa, and if the people of Tampa are pissed tonight because they came to see the great Number 2, just tell them he's healing from the ball he took on the hand last night, when some Double A bum was throwing at him with a five-run lead. 

Sit the Captain.

Screw the Rays and their stupid city. Five times? That's nuclear war. Tonight, let them boo the Rays and cheer Zelous.


John M said...

Here, here.

Enough with the Gang Who Couldn't Pitch Straight.

KD said...

At least something can still rile this team. They're not entirely the walking dead as evidenced by their collective play of late.

Love the idea to sit The Captain. Old dudes need rest and he'll have to play every game of the home stand coming up. And no DH-ing in front of the Yankees faithful.

Sit him out the final series in Boston too. We still owe them for throwing at A-Rod. Plus, Jeet's last game should be in The Stadium.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

SIT THE CAPTAIN! Absolutely 1000000% agree, AND ditto John and KD, Jeter's last game should be in New York, just on principal!

Time for some fireworks tonight! 5 hits in 4 games, even if they we're "unintentional" sets a terrible precedent if Tampa ( or any opponent) feels we're laissez faire about the welfare of our players >>> Chase Headley was almost decapitated.