Saturday, September 27, 2014

Things the anarchist in me wants to happen to the NFL

1. Washington Redskins win the Super Bowl. Fox Sports announcers decline to say their name out loud; Fox News pundits refuse to say the word Washington.

2. They beat the New York Jets, who have signed Rice Rice and Adrian Peterson, and are led by QB Michael Vick. Thus, they are despised by not only women and children, but dogs.

3. The city of Cleveland is evacuated after a train carrying NFL urine samples overturns, releasing toxic levels of steroids into the atmosphere. Later, to calm the public, officials announce that all samples passed the league's rigorous drug tests.

4. After protesting for better working conditions, NFL cheerleaders reject Cowboys owner Jerry Jones' attempt to "reach out" to them - because he literally attempts to reach out and grab their asses.

5. During Super Bowl half-time show, Rihanna and Eminem re-enact the Ray Rice elevator scene during a performance of "Love the Way You Lie," which they dedicate to Commissioner Roger Goodell. She suffers a wardrobe malfunction, and the ensuing Twitter cascade crashes the grid, delaying the second half for 12 hours.

6. In an attempt to curb wife-beatings, child-whippings and DWIs, New Orleans Saints coaches put a secret "bounty" on players who cause trouble.

7. Trying to look intellectual, Fox announcer Howie Long dons his glasses and accidentally pokes out both eyes.

8. During presentation of Lombardi Trophy, ghost of Vince Lombardi rises from grave and strangles Commissioner Goodell.


Blind Robin said...

Duque, I second that revulsion.

John M said...

I have a feeling that the NFL's spectacular rise since the late 1950s is going to be largely reversed over the next decade...let's see.

Just gazing into the crystal pigskin.