Friday, September 9, 2016

This weekend's AL East Wrestle-Mania helps and hurts us

Today, the Redsocks open a three-game series in Toronto, while the Orioles launch a kinky threesome in Detroit. It's like two stadiums full of super-villains vying for the right to kill Batman, Our first impulse in this looming out-of-town scoreboard Pokomon tournament is to sit back and enjoy the carnage. Imagine Iran taking on ISIS, while Kim Jong Un battles Vlad Putin... In the under-card, Trump v. Hillary, Kim v. Taylor... Big Papi v. Bautista...

This has a wonderful, fun scenario, but also an Upside-Down.

Upside Up: At least two rivals this weekend must lose at least one game.

Upside-Down: Two rivals will win the weekend. Even if we sweep Tampa - tough - we can pick up only one game in the loss column. If we go 2-1, we'll gain nothing on two teams or - worse, if they sweep, we'll lose ground. We are chasing a snake with five heads.

So, for whom do we juju? At first glance, the answer seems obvious: Toronto. We always, always root against the insufferable, dumpster-mouthed, self-righteous, Schilling-shilling, frat-bro neo-turds from Fenway, the zombie-yuppie, pig-faced suburbanites of Gomorrah... the sickeningly sewer-breathed - oh hell with it - Boston. Through advanced juju, I should normally seek to engineer a 3-game Blue Jays sweep, with Detroit taking two of three from slimy Buck and his crab-caked O's - and I'd toss in a few tweaked gonads, at least one swelling David Price's billiards like a heated foil of Jiffy Pop. If that happens, here's how the race looks Monday:


Toronto 62 (first in AL East)
Boston 64 (home field WC advantage)
Baltimore, 65
Detroit 65
NY: 65 if we sweep Tampa), 66 if we go 2-1, and frankly, who gives a flying shit, if we lose 2 out of 3? If we sweep, we could be tied for the away slot.

But.. what if we bite the bullet, pump our stomachs and root for the craven, snake-souled Redsocks to sweep Toronto? In essence, we would jettison the AL East division race and concentrate entirely on the Wild Card. Here's what it would look like:

Boston 61 (running away with AL East)
Toronto, Baltimore, Detroit... NY (with a sweep)...65

Everybody tied for two open slots.

I hate to say this, but this might be our best scenario: Let Boston walk away with it, while the rest of us chase wild cards.

NEVERTHELESS: I cannot in any way to root for the Redsocks this weekend.

As long as we have air to breathe, let's not bother with out-of-town scoreboards. They're just a distraction. We'll get our shots at Toronto, Boston and Baltimore. Right now, we must chase down our rivals, one villain at a time. Sweep Tampa, and by Monday, we could be tied... tied... TIED!!!! going into the final turn. Amazing.


JM said...

Just keep winning. Night after night, day after day after night, night after day get the idea.

Just win. Win them all.

Parson Tom said...

I hate to even think "sweep" as that is a violation of my personal juju rules and usually results in me and my team getting our ears boxed. But it sure would be nice.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


I feel exactly the same way. However, I just noticed something about tonight's game ... if everyone reads the line below and ponders what it means, it might help tamp down expectations and thus cosmically augment our actual chances:

     NYY : Pineda (6-11, 5.10)

Commence couch cushion strangling at any time.

Parson Tom said...

0uch. that was sobering. But he's due, isn't he?

Mustang said...

Don't let Duque pull you in. He bases his model on (unlikely) sweeps for a reason: if we lose one game he can cry and wail that the season's over. It won't be. Do not fall for his routine.

Go Yankees!

KD said...

if my memory serves, redsocks were also the last team to field an integrated squad. I'm with you, duque. It is not possible to root for Boston. No matter what.

Buhner's Ghost said...

If the Redsocks sweep and run away with the division, maybe Big Papi can moon you.

joe de pastry said...

Tom, never believe that Pineda is due.