The disgraceful San Diego Padres rule today's personal shitlist

Too bad about San Diego. After 56 years of hosting and supporting the Chargers, the city is losing its NFL franchise. It really sucks. And I planned to intervene on behalf of the city - I won't say how because, like Trump, that would give away valuable strategy to the enemy - but let me assure you: It was going to stop the Chargers' move to Los Angeles cold - (snaps fingers) - Just. Like. That.

But now? Sorry, San Diego. I'm letting the move go forward: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the California Chargers of Los Angeles... with its grand legacy of Dan Fouts, Junior Seau and that beloved mascot, the LA Chicken.

The reason behind this sudden spasm of bile? (Note: Even in grand Yankee winning streaks, our responsibility is to alert the juju gods to gonads that need tweaking.) It is Luis Torrens, a 21-year-old catcher whom we lost - apparently for good - in last December's Rule 5 draft. In order to keep him, the Padres must stash Torrens on their 25-man roster for all of 2017, even though the kid has never flushed a toilet above Single A. He is one of three Rule 5 pickups San Diego will put on ice for the entire season. Also, he's the most vulnerable. Torrens already missed one year with a shoulder injury, and now - in need of game experience - he will sit out another season, basically rotting on the bench.
(Note: My guess is that sometime this summer, San Diego will try to offer the Yankees some overpriced bullpen clod in exchange for Torrens, so they can send him to the minors; I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't wish ill upon Torrens, but I'd just as soon see San Diego stew in its own grease. If they want to keep him an entire season, hurting his viability, let them. Let's not enable this crap.)

The Rule 5 draft is supposed to give veteran minor leaguers, who are blocked on deep rosters, a crack at the majors. It's not supposed to be used by teams to stock their farm system at the cost of the present season. But that's what San Diego is doing. 

Think about it: This is the most cynical strategy in all of baseball, a franchise openly pissing on competitive balance and - most of all - their loyal fans. The Padres will basically play a 22-man roster all season - (imagine the Yankees doing that in the aftermath of this week's grueling games) - and they'll contend for nothing more than next year's first draft pick. It's a sickening, desperate way to build. And of course, it's being done to a city that is losing its NFL team and, thus, has no recourse but to bend over and enjoy the pineapple.

And where is the Commissioner of Baseball on this? Good question. Not many people know it, but Rob Manfred is currently in a state of cryogenic suspension, en route to Europa, the mysterious moon of Jupiter. Once there, the plucky commissioner will awaken and drill below the moon's vast frozen surface in search of what MLB radar has detected: A stack of dimes. Because that's the job of MLB commissioners, right? Find new revenue sources and alert the lawyers? Best of all, by traveling into outer space, Manfred can avoid having to question the sincerity of an MLB owner, because - as everyone knows - the owners are the real stars of the game. 

(NOTE: This would normally be where we discuss Mr. Harold Zieg "Hal" Steinbrenner, owner of the Yankees. Until further notice: IT IS HIGH is suspending all criticism of Mr. Steinbrenner. Right now, Hal is doing an excellent job. Keep it up, sir!)

The Padres are owned by Mr. Ronald Fowler, the CEO of Liquid Investments Incorporated, an aptly named San Diego beer distributorship. He cut his sporting teeth by owning the famous San Diego Sockers, the indoor soccer dynasty in the National Indoor World American Soccer Whatever Who Gives a Shit League. Fowler's opening day Padres' payroll stood at $73 million - third lowest in baseball, behind Milwaukee and Tampa - for a team recently valued by Forbes Magazine at $1.3 billion.

If all works according to plan, the Padres will finish dead last this year. They'll draft first next June and stock their system from the bottom up. Torrens and their best prospects are probably two to three years away. Thus, maybe they'll need to finish last again in 2018. Oh well. No problem. It's not as if San Diego can shift its loyalty to the Chargers, right? Besides, finish last enough times and - boom! - you're a baseball genius! You've built a powerhouse on the cheap.

And here's the real fun:

When the Padres finally do start winning - let's say, sometime around 2020 - just watch how they make it up to the good fans of San Diego, who stayed with this beer distributorship/baseball franchise through the long lean years. Anybody want to bet the Padres won't demand a brand new stadium, courtesy of the locals? Because that's how billionaires are made. 

Let's wish Commissioner Manfred sweet dreams on his journey. If he sleeps long enough, maybe he can be a billionaire, too!