Friday, October 25, 2019

Report from the Chairman

Hello, sports fans.  HAL here.

Was that a great decade, or what?

In 2019, the Yankees once again finished first in attendance in the American League, just as it has now for two consecutive years—and for every year after 2002, save for 2016 and 2017.  Over three million of you came out to see the Yankees for the 21st straight season, including every year this decade.

True, attendance was down somewhat.  But don't worry.  Profit margins will be preserved through another increase in ticket prices, and an appropriate increase in the percentage of rat feces to meat in the Yankee Franks.  You're welcome.

It is also true that the team used to regularly draw over 4 million fans in the last decade.  But with all due respect, those were poorer fans, less willing to spend excessive amounts of money.  We have upgraded to a higher clientele now, which needs more room to spread out, as I hope you will appreciate when you come out to the ballpark.

(If you don't appreciate it, then please do not come to the park.  The staff is now hard at work considering whether we should peruse credit reports and background checks before allowing ticket sales.)

It has come to our attention that some of you remain unhappy with the team's performance on the ballfield.  We are at a loss to understand this.  Your New York Yankees won 921 regular-season games this decade, the most in MLB.  They also won three division titles, and four of the coveted, Bud Selig Memorial Wild-Card Play-In slots.

Some of you have selfishly complained, nonetheless, that the team did not reach the World Series for the first time in a century.  This sort of obsession with petty prizes will not be tolerated.  Fans should look instead to what truly matters, which are the team's continuing, record profits.

Shouldn't it be of more moment that these are secured for the continuing happiness of The Chairman and his family, down to his distant progeny, than a few loutish athletes or your own happiness?

The only true setback this year was the early playoff loss of our beloved NYCFC soccer franchise, in MLS.  This may retard our major corporate mission, which is to secure billions of taxpayer dollars to subsidize the building of a soccer stadium/luxury housing complex/office park in the Bronx—and then to continue on to a major global position in the lucrative and fascinating world of international football.

Even more tragically, NYCFC's one playoff game had to be held at Citi Field, because of the remote chance that your New York Yankees might make the World Series that you so obsess over.  You will be relieved to hear that attendance was small enough so that the potential revenue loss was not significant.

(Good luck finding any account of what that attendance actually was.  Our Publicity Department once again did an admirable job in utterly expunging any negative information from the public record.)

Finally, it has once again come to our attention that some of you continue to object to our administration of this corporation in general, with your fixation on nebulous achievements and priorities such as "wins," "great players," or "titles," over corporate profits.

As such diverse authorities as the estimable dictators of the Chinese people, Stephen A. Smith, my brethren owners in the NBA, and the agreeably pliable greedhead LeBron James have all informed you, there is no principal, no moral belief that is an adequate substitute for money, especially money that may be obtained by those who already control a great surfeit of it.

Anymore wrong-thinking, wrong-speaking, or wrong actions will be dealt with severely.  ALL-CAPS, JM, Doug K., 13bit, Parson Tom, etc., do not fool yourselves into thinking you can hide behind your pathetic masks of misrepresentation.  To all your brethren located in The Netherlands, Scotland,  Austria, or wherever, please note that extradition laws can be adjusted as necessary.  And not only governments can manufacture drones.

Warbler, take those pants off your head.  Now.

Thank you for your support, and we look forward to seeing you in 2020 (with a better attitude).  As for the team—MY TEAM—no adjustments will be necessary.

Your great friend in the sky,


Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

Well, first I thought this would be some kind of childish and sarcastic persiflage. But reading the whole piece I got to understand that maybe we should all be a bit more considerate of the First Family of the Yankees. We did have a wonderful era with great profits and thanks to the leadership of Hal and his family, soccer finally made it to Gotham again. How fitting a Death Star replaced the Cosmos.

I feel like I have been taught something here. I need a shower.

ranger_lp said...

Hi need to fix the tv ratings! Moving away from Fox Sports is a step in the right direction also.

One more thing...don't bother getting a baseball activity for Ellsbury, just don't.

Anonymous said...


Thank you for helping me to see the light!

Now that you’ve explained it to me I see the infinite wisdom in what you are saying. I’ve been rooting for the wrong thing. The only standings that count are in Forbes. Consider me a convert.

Now that we’re on the same team again. I have some suggestions that will improve your.. uh OUR bottom line.

1) Trade Stanton

Last year he only appeared in 72 games. For this we were sadly forced to pay him 26 MILLION DOLLARS!

As if this was not bad enough there were the MEDICAL EXPENSES. He had more MRIs than hits (23 MRI to 17 Hits).

MRI's are not cheap (Except everywhere else but America.)

Trade him for whoever and agree to pay $20 Million of his salary per year to the team that takes him.

We will save a TON of money! Face it, he will never play a full season. He might never play a full game again.

The contract has 9 Years and $234 Million to go. If you… uh, we trade him we will save $54 million (234-180). That’s a lot of gold toilets. (For your house. Not for the fans. I want to be clear on that. The stadium is already perfect.

2) Two for One

Instead of the traditional two for one where the fans get two tickets for the price of one... change it to mean that the fans have to by two tickets for one seat!

Attendance will be the same but you will make twice the money!

3) Fire Larry Rothschild.

I don’t know what he makes but he doesn’t really do anything so why are we paying him?

These are just a few suggestions. I have more which, of course I wouldn’t dream of charging you for.

Doug K.
Newest member of the NY Turnstiles Fan Club. (The Stylin’ Stiles)

Anonymous said...

CORRECTION: Only 18 games! (Not 72 - don't know how I misread that) So more MRIs than games!

Also, clearly it is "buy" not "by"

Tiny keyboards are my enemy.

Doug K.

JM said...

Tiny keyboards
In the wine
Make me happy
Make me type fine

HoraceClarke66 said...

I am pleased to see that your attitudes and your perspectives seem to be approving, fans.

Ranger, we intend to take care of that pesky chairman of News Corp. at the earliest opportunity. Our operative J. Hall has been deployed for exactly that purpose.

Doug K., we approve of your fan club. Don't worry about Mr. Rothschild. Because of certain transgressions committed earlier in his life, he works for us for free. Here's a little hint: do you really think the Zodiac killer got away?

And don't worry. Giancarlo Stanton was already doubly insured at Lloyd's of London and Vlad's of Petersburg, before we acquired him. For every day he does not play, we receive twice his salary.

Giancarlo will be with us forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever...

Austria's Only Baseball Fan said...

Well, on a brighter note, I got this from the NY Times:

"President Trump, who has kept a conspicuous distance from baseball since taking office, plans to skip Game 3 between the Washington Nationals and the Houston Astros as the series comes to town. He said he would go on Sunday if the best-of-seven contest reaches a fifth game but even then would not throw the first pitch because he would look fat in the Kevlar vest he would have to wear."

13bit said...

I, @RealHalSteinbrenner, approve this post, even though it means my account was once again hijacked.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

I have not forgiven the Yankees.

Austria's Only Baseball Fan said...

Nats behind 3-1 in the 5th (is nobody watching?). Is there a way that umpires could be decapitated on the spot, or would it be too much trouble for the grounds crew?

I also need a roll of paper towels and some spray cleaner since I keep spitting uncontrollably whenever they do a close-up of Greinke.

HoraceClarke66 said...

I watched the first few innings, but these days I have to occasionally be in bed before 4 AM, so that was it.

The Nats really let Greinke and the Astros get away. I think they will regret that.

HoraceClarke66 said...

And yes, we actually have a president who won't throw out the first pitch at a World Series because he fears his bulletproof vest will make him look fat. And he and his supporters feel that they are the macho ones. "I'll retire to Bedlam."

TheWinWarblist said...

I wish ill on you Hal. I wish cancer and death on you. A cruel debilitating cancer that deprives you of your ability to "lead" this noble franchise and then takes your life before your time.

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Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

Disgusting comment.
If this is an attempt on humour or sarcasm it failed.
If it is not intended that way,go seek professional help.

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