Virtual Baseball: The Master Is Back! Cole Train Steamrolls the Cheatstros! Wall Street in Freefall!

In virtual baseball today, what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches toward Toronto? 

 

“Why, I’m that rough beast, although really, it’s mostly bed hair,” the Voice of the Yankees, John Sterling acknowledged on his appearance in the Bombers’ clubhouse at the Margaret Trudeau Dome in Toronto. “And I’m here to say: There’s no predicting the flashes of genius on the part of radical mystic Irish poets.  Or the curative power of induced comas!”

 

Sterling was flown to Toronto in the private plane of substitute Yankees anchor Walt “Clyde” Frazier, who had also sent his private physician to examine Sterling, and bust him out of the Hebrew Home at Riverdale.

 

“It’s a nice nest to steal a rest, but when you need a ring, time to call the king,” Clyde told reporters. 

 

The team seemed to respond immediately to The Master’s presence back in the Stadium’s Karz-for-Krazy-Kat Broadcast Booth, bulldozing the Houston Astros by 11-1. Gerrit Cole got the Yankees off to a feisty start by knocking down Houston leadoff cheat Jose Altuve with a neck-high fastball. 

 

After that, Aaron Judge, Gary Sanchez, D.J. LeMahieu, and Miguel Andujar all launched rockets into the stands against a thoroughly cowed Houston team, while Cole pitched his mind-boggling fifth complete game of the season.

 

Afterwards, Yankees GM Brian Cashman was overheard reprimanding Virtual Manager Ma Boone for starting Cole.

 

“I told you: the division is lost. Rest Cole and the other leading humanoids until the Wild Card Play-In game!” Cashman instructed.

 

“You don’t run this team.  I do,” Boone responded, to which Cashman replied.  “I will end you!”

 

“Well, tempers run a little hot around playoff time, it’s always the same,” Boone told reporters about the contretemps.  “Why, my daddy used to tell me about how Dallas Green once tried to run him over in the parking lot after he’d called for a slider with the game on the line. These things happen between professionals who really care.”

 

Meanwhile, the Red Bear ran amok on Wall Street again, as the Dow dropped below 25,000 for the first time in months.  With investors crowding the street of downtown Manhattan in an obvious panic, analysts were surprised that President Donald J. Trump had no tweet to issue on the situation.

 

Instead, the president was seen rushing the entire first family to the basement pool in the White House.

 

“No time to talk.  Snorkeling lessons,” the usually loquacious chief executive said cryptically.