Virtual Baseball: Yanks Win Again, Cut Lead to Two! Wall Street Burns as Trump Snorkels! Pangolin House Closed After Big Party at the Stadium.

 In a wild night of baseball, the Red Bear market, and suspect foreign delicacies, the virtual New York Yankees emerged as the big winner, besting Houston by 12-9.  

 

After strict warnings from the umpires and Commissioner Rob Manfredmannandthefamilyofman that any pitcher hitting a batter would be thrown out of the game, a chortling Ma Boone started Luis Cessa, and watched as he promptly hit Houston leadoff man Jose Altuve in the head again.

 

After the ensuing, on-field brawl, Astros pitchers hit three Yankees with pitches and were not ejected, but the commissioner’s office explained that rules that apply to New York teams do not necessarily have anything to do with those from other cities.

 

When Cessa was tossed, the Yanks replaced him with their sterling rookie starter, Deivi Garcia.  But Garcia seemed off his game, giving up four runs in the first inning alone.  Garcia, along with other Yankees in the infield complained about a lights shining in their eyes at crucial times, as if someone in the mirror was deliberately flashing it at them.

 

Stadium security did eventually haul in a suspect in the mirror attacks. The individual, who gave his name as Buck Jefferson Jackson Johnson, listed his home address as Plano, Texas, but insisted that he is, in fact, a Yankees fan.  Mr. Johnson said he was not trying to affect the outcome of the game, but only fooling around to see if he could blind someone.

 

By the time Deivi left the game, the Yanks trailed by 6-3.  But New York soon fought its way back, using a variety of rarely seen tactics such as hitting to the opposite field and even bunting that left the capacity crowd gasping in appreciation.  Back-to-back-to-back home runs by The Gleyber, Judge, and Andujar finished off the victory in the bottom of the eighth. 

 

Going into the year’s final series against Tampa Bay, the Yanks trail the Dull Rays by only two games, but GM Brian Cashman insisted that the Bombers would not be starting Gerrit Cole in any of the upcoming contests.  “In a pig’s eye!” was Boone’s only comment.

 

Meanwhile, stocks took another steep dive today, with the Dow dropping below 23,000.  Some analysts attributed the dizzying drop to the large number of leading market traders and analysts who did not show up for work today, following a party at Yankee Stadium’s celebrated Pangolin House. 

 

The restaurant was not open tonight despite the sell-out crowd.  Executives from the chain’s parent company in Wuhan, China, insisted the restaurant was closed merely to clean up from the previous night’s festivities, which apparently had led to some spectacular instances of projectile vomiting.