Friday, August 20, 2021

It's time for the Yankees to ditch their outdated Star Wars identity


In case you've missed it, the Yankees recently unveiled a new stadium sound effect: A moaning industrial siren that occasionally blares when an opposing batter reaches two strikes. David Cone compared it to the bellowing of a pregnant whale, instantly inspiring a line of t-shirts. (Ain't capitalism great?) 

In fact, we're told it's the Death Star distress signal from
Star Wars. Apparently, it also references a chestnut from GM Brian Cashman, spoken in December of 2018, when he ludicrously described the Yankees as "a fully operational Death Star." 

As the '21 Yankees - turbocharged by Cashman's trade deadline overhaul - chase the obligatory wild card birth (and, maybe, the Rays),I believe I speak for not only the Yankiverse, but for the Star Wars franchise, George Lucas and a generation of graying cosplayers in saying... politely and earnestly:

THE FORCE IS NOT WITH YOU. PLEASE CEASE AND DESIST... NOW! 

As the Yankees chase what has become an all-too rare relevancy in October, it's time for the franchise to ditch the Star Wars imagery. Here's why:

1. We're identifying with the wrong side. Has anyone noted recently that the Death Star was part of the Evil Empire? That's evil - as in bad guys. Okay, I suppose the Yankees seek to portray themselves as a powerful entity, a team feared by all. Well, sad to say but...  we are not that team. The Dodgers are, by far. 

Their $263 million payroll dwarfs ours of $203 million. And if you're looking for true villains, what about the lying, cheating Astros ($191 million payroll) or the hedge-funded owned Mets ($197 million.) Why promote ourselves as bad guys?

2. Despite all its power, the Death Star got blown to smithereens. Hello-o-o? Do you realize that the giant colossus had one measly pressure point, where one well-directed bomb could light up the entire solar system? If anything, that's an image we should avoid. Because if the Yankees do reach the playoffs, our vaunted lineup will have at least one incredible vulnerability . (Hints: late-innings, bullpen, closers.) Do we really we want to go there?

3. Star Wars came out in 1977; it's 45 fucking years old. Have you seen Luke Skywalker lately? He could play Pa Kettle. Star Wars is so old that historians no longer debate the precise moment that everything turned to shit. Was it the Wookie puppet movie? Or Jar-Jar? I'd go with the Star Wars Holiday Special, possibly the worst Christmas show in history, beyond than anything even Kathy Lee Gifford could ejaculate. (The segment where Bea Arthur sings in a bar is for the ages. Fun fact: In the last episode of Maude, the governor of NY appoints her to the House of Representatives!) 

One of the first Star Wars references came in 2002, when Redsock president Larry Luccino lamented that old George Steinbrenner had signed Jose Contreras, calling them "the Evil Empire. " This was back when the Yankees dominated Boston every October, when the Curse of the Bambino haunted all of New England, and the Yankees seemed unbeatable. Those days ended long ago. If anything, the roles flipped in 2004, and ever since, Boston has been the superior franchise.

On top of everything, by culturally appropriating Star Wars, the Yankees are associating themselves with Disney - which now owns Pixar, Marvel, Lucasfilm and Fox. Evil Empire? Draw your own conclusions.

4. The roots of Cashman's original statement could soon haunt us. Sherman, set the Wayback to December of 2018, when the free agents Bryce Harper and Manny Machado were both sort of campaigning to join the Yankees, or at least lure them into a bidding war. (In both cases though, I believe they were sincere: For years, Harper had made no secret of his desire to play for the Yankees, and Machado's wife - a native New Yorker - wanted to go home.) 

But Hal Steinbrenner - whose Daddy issues do resemble a certain Star Wars character - was poormouthing, saying the Yankees couldn't afford such a big expenditure. A writer asked Cashman why the Yankees weren't chasing Harper, and he replied: "All I can keep telling you is, you know where my current focuses are, but at the same time, we're a fully operational Death Star." And so it began.

True to form, our Death Star blew up spectacularly in the 2019 playoffs, thanks to Jose Altuve and some banging trash can lids. (By the way, that should be the stadium's two-out sound effect!)  And here's the current rub: Both Harper and Machado are having great seasons. (Harper with 22 HRs and .290, Machado with 21 HR and .278.) We could end up playing either guy, and he might just have something to prove.

5. By invoking Cashman's statement, the Yankees are referencing the owner's refusal to spend money. That's just wrong. Nobody ever accused the Evil Empire of being cheapo. As Jason Mewes (Jay) told Silent Bob in the 1994 movie Clerks, there had to be a lot of independent contractors working on that Death Star. The Yankee payroll hasn't budged in recent years, as Food Stamps Hal tries to limit his luxury taxes. Neither Palpatine nor Darth Vader would ever have skimped on quality.  

6. While we're discussing good guys/bad guys, how about the beard thing? In the movies, bad guys wear beards (yeah, it's changing, but face it, facial hair is still a bad guy thing.) These days, some baseball teams look like the Taliban. The clean-shaven Yankees should be the good guys. This notion that the Mets are loveable underdogs? That's ridiculous. They've been to the World Series more recently (2015) than we have. 

The Yankees should be America's team. They just blew up their farm system to bet everything on a wild card birth - a last-ditch shot at 2021. That's the stuff of Indiana Jones, or Captain America, or John Wick - they jumped from the airplane, and now, somehow, they've got to catch that parachutist. They are not Emperor Palpatine. They are Tom Cruise, and this is an impossible mission. And we should abandon the Dark Side.

66 comments:

JM said...

It always sucked, anyway. Nobody got the new sound effect until it was explained to them. That should tell the Yankees something.

13bit said...

I will continue to be the voice of doom here - NOT simply because I believe we are playing above our baseball cards or because I truly am a Natural pessi-Mystic, as Bob Marley might have once sung.

But also because I am locked in, Juju-wise. I am not deviating from my stance of the whole year.

Keep fooling yourselves, my friends.

TheWinWarblist said...

Listen to our Sage and Seer. These Yaknees are playing way above there capabilities. Remember the winning run in May? What followed that? Oh yeah, the incredible stink of losing upon losing upon losing. All the way down to 4th place. Bart somebody or other wrote that Baseball is designed to break your heart. Well, the Yankees are the Aristotelian ideal of those heart-breakers. Do not be fooled. Do not get sucked in. These Yankees are terrible and will find a way to cut you deeply and cruelly. As they have for more than a decade. The cruel cold bitter winds of October are coming. Do not let them hurt you again.


Bitty, you complete me.


FUCKERS.

Unknown said...

It’s old. It’s outdated. Agreed 100%.

Also, let them grow beards for Chrissake

Anonymous said...

False Pride;

Yankees Management

"When pride comes we are already fallen, what comes after that is a detail."
The Archangel

HoraceClarke67 said...

Great saying, Archie—where's it from?

Yeah, one look at the pitchers the Dodgers have lined up for the Mets this weekend served as a cold dose of reality to me. There is no way we beat that team—and frankly, I doubt if we get there.

But it is a fun run. The magic number is 12!

Anonymous said...

A few thoughts...

1) "Have you seen Luke Skywalker lately? He could play Pa Kettle"

Last year I read "The Egg and I". Pulled it off a friend's shelf. That's what happens when the pandemic closes the library.

From wikipedia: "The Egg and I, first published in 1945, is a humorous memoir by American author Betty MacDonald about her adventures and travels as a young wife on a chicken farm on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington state"

Why am I telling you this? First off, it was surprisingly good. She is an excellent writer. Secondly, the Kettles were her "fictitious" neighbors and she later moved to LA and brought them to life on the screen. Her real neighbors sued. Here's the link if anyone is interested. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Egg_and_I

Jest edifyin'.

2) Star Wars Sound

Dump it and all the Star Wars crap for all the reasons stated by El Duque . As I said yesterday, what's next the sound of the Titanic hitting the iceberg?

If we need a movie sound I humbly suggest something from Ferris Bueller. Wait for the pitch and then play "S-wing Batter!"

3) Beards

I'm against it! However since we are the NEW YORK Yankees. If we're going have facial hair I don't want to see any of this hillbilly crap.

Perhaps tasteful goatees or a Van Dyke would be ok. Maybe a hipster soul patch. See where this is going? Better to have nothing then euro-beards.

That said, three day - tough guy facial hair would be OK with me.

Or Mutton Chops. The Martin Van Buren. It will be difficult for opposing pitchers to not laugh which will effect their control leading to base on balls.

Doug K.



Ken of Brooklyn said...

The farce is with us, I'd say references to Spaceballs would be more appropriate,,,, when you have have to manufacture a tough guy facade, you are not fooling anyone.

TheWinWarblist said...

NO HIPSTER FACIAL HAIR DOUCHEBAGGERY!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TheWinWarblist said...

Doug K.! I'm surprised at you!

Anonymous said...

I found that quotation in an old book of quotations that I used to use to assist me with my legal decisions. Appropriately, it was cited to "Anonymous"

The Archangel

Anonymous said...

Winnie I agree. I thought that is what I wrote.

Doug K

Yankee Daddy Roger said...

Next will come the attempt to incorporate Star War imagery in Yankee uniform "special day" retro re-designs so our Uniforms will come to resemble some of the other horrible styles currently being peddled by Context or whatever the hell it's called. Did you see the ghastly Giant uniforms when they recently played the Mets.

I didn't actually. But I was told about it. ESPN ran an article about it, which I haven't read. But I am pretending I know what I am talking about because that's how I get by. All I know is that it is COMING, rather than GOING away. Bad enough they sell all these multi colored caps-- you will be seeing tradition uprooted with side shows paying lip service to the past but actually bastardizing it. Force be with us, my ass.

Anonymous said...

The Yankees should allow the old chops modeled by Civil War general Ambrose Burnside. They were so glorious that his became the origin of the term sideburns, which was a deviation of Ambrose's surname.
Those are a lot better that that shit streaming out of the hats of every skater dude populating the dregs of MLB.
or of course "the Oscar Gamble."

The GQ Archangel

JM said...

The Yankees are very interested in having a City Connect uniform design.

Which is... weird. But some of the others have been pretty cool. And if those are allowed, I say we get designs by Gaultier, Mugler, maybe Rag and Bone or something on the lines of the Japanese guy's designs for Bowie in the early 70s.

Yeah, that would work.

And no fucking beards! But Velazquez's mustache is definitely cool, an old Hollywood look.

JM said...

Doug, the Egg and I was made into a movie with Claudette Colbert and Fred McMurray, if I recall correctly.

Anonymous said...

JM,

Yes. Don't know if I saw it.

Doug K.

TheWinWarblist said...

Bases loaded, one out. Will we get a hit? Who knows!?

TheWinWarblist said...

All we need is another hit ... and there it is!

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Did Nevin forget who was on second?

TheWinWarblist said...

You saw the whole of the moon ...

TheWinWarblist said...

Nevin probably never knew who was on second.

TheWinWarblist said...

Charlie Barnes ERA has gone up by more than 2 full points in two innings.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Doesn't Cortes look like a guy you hang out at the bar with on a Saturday afternoon?

JM said...

Cone said Refsnyder could always hit. From his college days, through the minor league, to his time with the Yankees.

Is he talking about the same Refsnyder? I'm confused.

TheWinWarblist said...

Barnes is still out there? What? He's his own middle relief mop up?

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Maybe he meant his time "in Scranton" with the Yankees.

TheWinWarblist said...

Cripes. 4 innings, 98 pitches.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

The question is:

How can the bullpen blow THIS game.

It will be tough, but I have faith in them. The martini helped.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

I hope they bring Barnes out for the 6th.

TheWinWarblist said...

The bullpen cannot hold a 5-run lead. It can't. We all know it can't!!!

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Isn’t it Tampa’s turn for the Covid?

TheWinWarblist said...

Maybe the bullpen can hold a 6-run lead, but it's doubtful.

ranger_lp said...

Maybe a six run lead Winnie?

TheWinWarblist said...

Beauregard, it is everyone's turn to get the COVID if you're unvaccinated or reckless.

TheWinWarblist said...

Doubtful Ranger. Doubtful.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Most of the Yanks that got it were vaccinated. That scares the crap out of me because I’m back in the office mostly,

I’m just thinking a nice virus induced losing streak for Tampa is overdue…. Cuz the Yankees can’t keep this up so they have to take a dive.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Suzyn thinks this would be a good game to bring in Chapman hahah. No lead is safe…

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Is El Chapo warming up yet?

TheWinWarblist said...

Sure bring in Chapman. Let him face the minimal number of Twins and get booed off the field. Then ask him if he wants a rehab stint in SWB. No? Okay. You ride the bench.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

I mean, it takes a special talent to blow a 6 run lead in the ninth.

JM said...

Chappie is special, alright.

TheWinWarblist said...

Beau, vaccination can only due so much. If you're going to suck face with every infected Floridian Annie that throws themselves at you (cunning plan by Tampa, that was), you will get infected. Stay away from everyone in the office, stay socially distant and you'll be fine.

In other words, DON'T BE A DUMBASS.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Like the nun's used to slap into you. Wash your hands! Don't sneeze on people!!! And stay the fuck home if you're sick!!!!!

Rufus T. Firefly said...

DJ sucks. Puckered told me so.

Now you can bring in Chapo. But only until he let's four guys get on base. Then you can let the next guy get the final three outs.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

What did Callo say to the ump to piss him off?

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Voit needs a triple for the cycle. Two outfielders need to fall down for that to happen.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Chapo nowhere to be seen. They may have a chance.

JM said...

This kid hasn't pitched in 15 days. Yeah, we couldn't have ever used him

JM said...

Yawn.

We should sweep this series. Easy.

Should.

JM said...

Fucking Tampa tied the White Sox.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

I want Tampa to lose every game. And Boston. And the Mets.

TheWinWarblist said...

JM!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!???! DON'T USE THE "S-WORD"!?!??!??!!!!! SEE WHAT YOU DID!??!!?? TAMPA TIED UP THE STUPID FUCKFACE WHITE SOX!!!!


THAT'S ON YOU JM!!!! IT'S ON YOU!!!!


MY GODS MAN, PULL IT TOGETHER!! TIGHTEN YOUR SHIT UP!!

TheWinWarblist said...

Seriously. I'm gonna lose it.

Tighten up.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Don't worry. Bonehead will think that Chapo needs work tomorrow.

Pocono Steve said...

Right. Chapo has to be the closer because "he's our closer." The circular logic of Yankee stupidity.

HoraceClarke67 said...

Ghost of Hoss here:

White Sox won. Tee-hee!

HoraceClarke67 said...

Hoss again:

And meanwhile, something's got to be said about these "Connect City" uniforms sponsored by Nike.

They are right up there with the Children of the Corn game in turns of hypocrisy

The uniforms are all about "connecting" with the cities teams play in? Give me a fucking break. First, Nike itself moved all of its factories overseas because its owners wanted a higher profit.

Second, these are obviously just attempts to generate more gear suckers will pay for.

Third...it's complete hypocrisy. Did I say that already? Yes, but for the teams, as well as Nike.

The other day, the Giants were doing that shit. The Giants were a venerable and revered ball club playing in Harlem. Their drunken ass of an owner moved them to SF because he feared Black people there.

Tonight the Dodgers are playing the Mets in uniforms that read, "Los Dodgers." Uh-huh. That must be a reference to 1960, when "Los Dodgers" said to all the poor, Hispanic squatters in Chavez Ravine that Los Dodgers are going to kick los asses out of here.

(Incidentally, Ronald Reagan led a telethon to convince LA to pony up the money to build Dodgers Stadium. I guess there's no such things as a free lunch. Unless you're willing to pay off Ronnie to shill for you.)

HoraceClarke67 said...

Mets lost 23rd of last 27 games vs. Dodgers. They are their Twins.

Kevin said...

Funny, we see the corruption, cons, hypocrisy, and thievery that these licensed mobsters play; but refuse to acknowledge what goes on at the high levels of Guvment... Sorry for the political response, it just seemed to flow from the observation that Hoss made.

HoraceClarke67 said...

Sorry, should not have lapsed into politics.

HoraceClarke67 said...

And at the time, Reagan was a private citizen. He might even have been a Democrat still—and plenty of other, local Democrats in LA went the whole nine yards for the Dodgers.

Hypocrisy abounds!

Leinstery said...

Star Wars is fucking lame. They should abandon the whole thing and pretend it never happened like their one time mascot Dandy.

Anonymous said...

Leinstery, who in the hell was "Dandy"?

Kevin said...

What's so lovable about underdogs, especially in MLB. It's the outcome of terrible management, a cheap bastard owner, or both. Hard to believe that Cub and Sux fans tolerated losing for so many years. Of course many of those clubs were at times really good, so some points taken off the putrid scale. Come to think of it, given the resources of our beloved team, isn't it about time for a revolution [of the mind] ?

Kevin said...

I'll preface what I have to say that Cashman (ain't happening) and Boone must go after the season. The team is facing an existential crisis that Cashman, just being there for so long can't cure. Kick him upstairs. Kick Boone over to the Sux. But considering all the issues, horrible play, injuries, covid, etc. I'm really happy, right now, to see what the team has accomplished. And I don't see any reason that we can't catch Tampa. What really worries me is what will happen when the CBA goes into effect. Maybe as a fan the net effect will be zero. That is if you don't mind watching the owners legally suppress there employees. Bastards. We have some rising stars in the system, most who were largely unforeseen. We'll see. On that note, I noticed a comment a comment earlier about how teams like Tampa in effect "stow" no doubt regulars in the minors for the inevitable injuries. All teams do the same thing, the difference that Tampa generally stocks higher quality prospects by trading their best players a FEW YEAR EARLY. Like Adames, Snell, and others. It's called "shrewd", but it's the brainchild of a limited cash-flow (although who Really knows how "limited" the flow really is). I don't know about you guys, but if we routinely traded our stars in their twenties I'd flip. Before we give praises, and knock our own, consider the ramifications. More importantly, consider how you are temperamentally wired for other systems of macro-management. Then thank God that we weren't owned by the late Cal Pohlad of the Twins, richest man in America in his day, and put up with his bullshit.