Today's Times is all over Roger Clemens' butt. "It is far less likely that any injection of vitamin B12 or lidocaine, which is usually not injected deep into the body, would have created an abscess,” said Dr. Gary I. Wadler, an internist who is a member of the World Anti-Doping Agency. “Steroid users tend to repetitively inject the drug deep into the muscle and this has been associated with the development of sterile abscess.” 
THE QUESTION: Did the ever-burgeoning former future Hall of Famer develop an abscess on his dumpster during the 1998 season, when trainer Brian McNamee claims he regularly shot the Yankee great full of elixers designed to fortify his jib?
SAYS THE TIMES:
YEUCH: Fans, if you're scoring at home, set down your pencil and get thee to a nunnery. If this gets to court, we might see baby photos of the critter.
ASKS THE TIMES:
Did Clemens have an abscess in 1998? Three members of the Blue Jays’ organization that season, including one of the team’s two trainers, said in recent interviews that they did not recall any abscess associated with Clemens that year.
HMMM. If they asked me if I noticed a big purple doink on Rocket's rudder, I'd plead the Fifth. No. I'd cut out my tongue and move to Canada. I may move there anyway. The only way this could get uglier would be if it Randy Johnson gets named.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Battleground: Roger's Rump
Friday, January 11, 2008
Sweeping MLB Reorganization Continues With New Ministry of Plate Discipline
The Department Is Looking For You...
Because MLB's new Department of Investigations can do anything it damn-well pleases.
Forget the back page this year
If she broke her hand, Laura Bush could be known as the Kevin Brown of First Ladies.
BREAKING: Bombers Solve 1B Woes
Jason Lane, shown here not getting it done for the 2005 Astros, has earned another shot at history.
Lane, 31, was not tendered a contract by the Padres after hitting .178 with eight homers and 27 RBIs last season. He began last year with Houston and went to San Diego in a September trade.LANE MIGHT JOIN YANKS AT 1ST BASE
Though Lane is a career outfielder, the Yankees believe he would be a quick study at first base, where he has appeared in four games during his six-year major league career.
New York Post
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Well, if you put it that way, OF COURSE he should be elected ...
Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy, arguing that Redsock Jim Rice should be in the Hall of Fame:
"(Rice) came up short in the postseason, he didn't play great defense, and he didn't dominate for as long as some other sluggers. But he didn't cheat."
Now the Hall doesn't have to worry about what to put on Rice's plaque if he's elected next year. Shaughnessy has written it for them.
Why Not Just Shoot Us Instead?
Or why don't we bring back Omar Moreno. The Brewers face strong competition for free-agent center fielder Mike Cameron, perhaps stronger than they even imagined. The Yankees are showing serious interest in Cameron, major-league sources say, figuring that they could trade center fielder Melky Cabrera even if they do not send him to the Twins for left-hander Johan Santana.
According to the story, A-Rod -- the noted talent scout -- wants us to sign Cameron. This guy couldn't hit a fastball from Cameron Diaz. He's 35, going on Lipitor. He'll miss the first 25 games due to a drug suspension. And get this: HE WANTS A TWO-YEAR DEAL.
Please, Stubby, God, Allah, George, anybody... DO NOT DO THIS!
[PS: I just went onto Baseball Reference. At their current ages, Mike Cameron equates to Ron Gant and Ray Lankford. Melky Cabrera equates to Sixto Lexcano and Roberto Clemente.]
Two-Gun Kid #49, August 1959, Inside Front Cover
Click to enlarge.
YANKEETORIAL: George Mitchell's Flashlight
There’s that scene in the old English movie, where Headmaster Doofus says, “Who broke my special flossing cup?” The class goes silent, until the hero says, “Sir, I did.” Then his buddy says, “Sir, I did.” Then Dork and Fatty step forward. Eventually, everybody, even Reginald Wombworthy III, says, “Sir, I did.” Theme music rises. We’re into the second roll of Bounty. They all end up sleeping with Hermione Gingold.
That’s what needs to happen in baseball.
Not the Hermone Gingold part. The earlier part.
People need to fess up. Actually, it needs to happen in all sports, especially the ones featuring 350 pound human doorstops.
It’s time for our "heroes" to step forward.
They won’t, of course.
The current made-in-hell marriage of corporations, agents, bankers, lawyers, lobbyists, advertisers, politicians, owners and celebrity jocks forbids such a thing as courage.
Even if a player felt compelled to do the right thing, he’d be throwing his entourage to the wolves. It wouldn’t be fair to all the groupies, syncopaths and pharmaceutical suppliers who would lose their jobs.
Thus, we have the Mitchell Investigation, which should have been called the Mitchell Lottery. The lucky ones sit back and say how shocked – shocked! – they are.
The unlucky ones – well, they scream and yell and sue their trainer.
This is what happens when you turn a flashlight on in a cave full of snakes. You see one or two. The others slither into their holes. The Mitchell Report nailed two trainers and a bullpen full of players, who for increasingly dubious reasons, coughed up a few names.
The tip of the iceberg. Or flashlight.
Thus, we have the spectacle of Roger Clemens attempting to save his reputation, sounding like Condoleezza Rice explaining reasons for her war.
Thus, we have taxpayers paying for stadiums that are built to make better luxury boxes.
Thus, we have Congress looking to bag a few sound bytes while Iraq and Afghanistan rumble, the environment heats up, and the U.S. economy turns into the Pittsburgh Pirates.
What'll it take to shake everything up?
Who broke our special flossing cup?
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
The Next Willie Bloomquist?
That's the Seattle Mariners say they have with Miggy Cairo, whom they signed yesterday."Miguel strengthens our bench by giving us another player, along with Willie Bloomquist, who can cover all four infield spots and, in a pinch, the corners of the outfield," Seattle general manager Bill Bavasi said, adding the move makes manager John McLaren's job easier.
Clay Bellinger, what card show are you working tonight?
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Don Mattingly Is Viable, Goddammit!
Dear BBWAA:
Don Mattingly received 15.8% of the vote in the 2008 Baseball Writers Elections.
In your pretend world, where the votes are ostensibly "based upon the player's record, playing ability, integrity, sportsmanship, character, and contributions to the team(s) on which the player played," 15.8% is nothing.
But in Iowa -- sweet, Democratic Iowa -- 15.8% is viable.
Viable!
If you ran your little operation more like Teeds Grove than Tammany Hall, Donnie Baseball could still be in the mix.
He'd be viable!
And any Yankees fan knows that nothing can stop a viable Don Mattingly from getting into the Hall.
Nothing.
Let us paint the picture for you.
We're in the Teeds Grove gymnasium. It's cold outside, but in the gym, the air is hot with anticipation.
In a corner, John Kruk takes two pieces of pie, sheepishly telling people in earshot that "the other one is for Gammons. Really. It is. For Pete."
The BBWAA voters mill around waiting for instructions to begin forming "preference groups."
And so it begins.
We'd see 23's preference group pulling extra, unnecessary votes from Gossage (the Goose only needs 408) -- that's another 58 for Mattingly!
With Mark McGwire's 128 (steroid allegations), Dave Parker's 82 (Pittsburgh drug trials) and Dale Murphy's (Mormon, see Romney, Mitt) 75 up for grabs -- that'd push Mattingly over the top.
In sum, Iowa isn't all that far from Cooperstown, dear BBWAA.
You be the wave, and let Mattingly ride it!
Redsock Nation Stunned by Cooperstown Snub
Boston fans register disbelief, anger, sadness, fury, over news...
Sportswriters today rejected Jacoby Ellsbury to the Hall.
Why has God chosen these people to suffer so much?
GOOOOOSE!
Congratulations to the newest Yankee elected to the Hall of Fame!
World Beginning to Cringe over Clemens
Monday, January 7, 2008
"... they are no longer the preeminent franchise in baseball..."
Empire in decline...
EXCLUSIVE: Tampa Bay Refuses to Leave Post-Season after Loss to Giants
Despite yesterday’s double-digit defeat in Florida, a sudden collapse in national polls and by Fox Network's refusal to invite them to next weekend’s playoffs, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are buckling down and vowing not to leave the Super Bowl race.
The official acknowledged that back-to-back playoff losses would make it next to impossible for Tampa to win the Super Bowl. The real problem is that the Giants, not Tampa Bay, are now scheduled to play the Dallas Cowboys Sunday in Texas.
That means enormous public exposure for the Giants, which will translate into fundraising opportunities and a growing view nationwide that the Bucs cannot win.
To counter that prevailing opinion, Tampa Bay will launch a major media ad blitz, centering on Fox News Network. The campaign will argue that Sunday's 24-14 outcome was a preliminary final score, which still has not been confirmed by the league in a full and comprehensive recount.
“We remain the most viable alternative for the NFC," the Bucs insider said. "But I’m not going to sugar-coat this. We really needed that victory. We're just not ready to throw our support behind those northerners just yet. Remember, in Florida, it takes time to count the numbers.”
Exclusive: Pre-edited excerpt from 60 MINUTES
This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Yankeetorial: Preparing to Trade the Future
Open Letter to Hank "Stubby" Steinbrenner...
Dear Madam or Sir,
This weekend, as you sift through your Florida Horse Breeders Association calendar, hoping to trade Melky Cabrera, Philip Hughes, Ian Kennedy and $140 million for Johan Santana, as is being reported... please set down your Marlboros and consider the NY Giants and NY Knickerbockers.
Four years ago, the then-woeful Giants traded everything but Ernie Accorsi's wig to move up a handful of slots in the NFL draft and pick Eli Manning, the runt of a great QB family. In a league defined by parity, they've three times made the playoffs, twice to be instantly crushed by forgotten teams. Sunday, they do it again. Manning has risen to the status of average NFL lugnut. Meanwhile, Super Bowl powers like the Chargers and Bears rose and fell. The Giants maintain a certain level, good enough for the playoffs, mediocre enough to lose them.
Sound familiar?
Then look at the Knicks, thanks to President/Coach/Sexual Harrasser Isiah Thomas. These days, to write anything about the Knicks is an exercise in cruelty worthy of the CIA, so let's be brief. Isiah's first big move was to trade a slew of high draft picks for Stephen Marbury. They made the playoffs that year, for about six days. Ever since, they've made the Bush administration look good. And nobody wants to ponder all the talent the Knicks squandered in those deals.
Want to strangle a team? Trade youth for a superstar.
Just look around.
Friday, January 4, 2008
"Claustrophobic rat hole..?"
When will the twinkle-toed, child-of-nature lovie-dovies come to grips with the reality that our Yankee way of life is under attack?
We have not won a World Series since Sept. 11, 2001.
We have seen Redsock hordes march into our schools and churches.
We have watched our great leader, Rudy Giuliani, bow to their presence.
Now this: An attack our holiest of shrines...
Thursday, January 3, 2008
EXCLUSIVE: TRANSCRIPT OF MIKE WALLACE INTERVIEW WITH ROGER CLEMENS
SPECIAL TO "IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR..."
To be broadcast Sunday on "60 Minutes."
WALLACE: Your former trainer Brian McNamee says he injected performance-enhancing drugs into you at least four times going back to 1998. What do you have to say about it?
CLEMENS: That’s simply not true, Mr. Wallace. It never happened.
WALLACE: He says you took it in the butt.
CLEMENS: No. It's-
WALLACE: YOU WANTED TO WIN, SO YOU TOOK IT IN THE BUTT!
CLEMENS: No. No!
WALLACE: HE PUSHED IN THE NEEDLE, AND YOU TOOK IT IN THE BUTT!
CLEMENS: No. You're using words... confusing me...
WALLACE: RIGHT IN THE BUTT!
CLEMENS: No. No. I didn't.
WALLACE: SMACK IN THE BUTT!
CLEMENS: It’s not true. It never happened.
WALLACE: WHICH WAS IT? RIGHT CHEEK, OR LEFT CHEEK?
CLEMENS: No. Neither!
WALLACE: SQUARE IN THE BUTT!
CLEMENS: It never happened.
WALLACE: THAT'S NOT WHAT HE SAYS!
CLEMENS: It’s not true!
WALLACE: HE SAYS YOU TOOK IT IN THE BUTT!
CLEMENS: No... stop... please... stop using those words...
WALLACE: HE SAYS YOU TOOK IT SMACK IN THE BUTT!
CLEMENS: No more... not true... It's just not true, I tell you! (Sobbing)
WALLACE: OK, very well, settle down, Roger. At this point, I feel compelled to note that this veteran reporter has used every trick in his vast arsenal, and he has found you to be upright and unbreakable. Roger, I think you're an honest man.
CLEMENS: Thank you, sir, thank you, Mr. Wallace.
WALLACE: BUT YOU TOOK IT IN BUTT!
CLEMENS: No, I didn't! I didn't!
WALLACE: DID IT HURT WHEN YOU TOOK IT IN THE BUTT?
CLEMENS: Please... turn off the camera... (sobbing)... please...
WALLACE: HE SAYS YOU TOOK IT IN THE BUTT!
Stubby's Got Rocket's Back
"I don't know him, really," Steinbrenner said. "Our paths didn't really cross. Never did."Roger Clemens won't be Yankee in 2008
New York Daily News
The Redsock Boob Fetish
Consider the logo on every Redsock cap:
Theoretically, the “B” stands for “Boston.”
Now take a good look. Yep: an aeiral shot of Pamela Anderson.
A pair of nippled teats.
Look closer. Yep, the nipples also point inward, creating within each “B-cup” a second pair of breasts hoisted in the opposite direction.
Obviously, the “B” stands for “Bosom,” “Breasts,” “Bra” or “Boobs.”
Long ago, Yankeeologists linked this bizarre Redsock mammary fetish to regional preferrences for clam chowder. Manhattan-style chowder uses a broth (“brother”) base, while New England chowder is based on milk.
This is why you can't reason with a Redsock fan.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Uhm, excuse us, Mr. Hank, but...
Last we looked, well, we don't have a firstbaseman.
We let Andy walk and haven't resigned Doug, so that leaves these options:
1. Jason Giambi, who was too chubby to handle it last year. How many players return to the field successfully after two years of DHing?
2. Eric Duncan, the veteran star of the future. If we hadn't moved our Triple A affiliate to Scranton last year, he could be President of the Columbus City Board of Education.
3. Juan Miranda, the burly Cuban mystery. He might be 24. Or he might have dated Carmen Miranda.
4. The comedy team of Hideki Matsui and Johnny Damon, assuming they can borrow somebody's firstbase mitt.
5. Wilson Betemit, Shelley Duncan, the touring cast of "Cats," and whatever candidates get eliminated in Iowa.
Who's on first?
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Monday, December 31, 2007
Top 10 Yankee Shortstops of 2007
1. Phil Rizzuto (in memoriam)
2. Derek Jeter
3. A-Rod
4. Wilson Betemit
5. Miguel Cairo
6. Alberto Gonzalez
7. Derek Jeter's driver
8. Derek Jeter's pool man
9. Derek Jeter's fragrance
10. Phil Rizzuto (number retired)
FLASHBACK: Our Predictions for 2007
1. Our tests of ionic cyclical resonances strongly suggest that sometime between October 5-7, a massive explosion of flying gnat hatchlings will disrupt activities in the vicinity of Lake Erie. This will last about 30 minutes and wreak havoc on game conditions. If the Yankees happen to be playing here at this time, they must take precautions!
2. Based on stool sample analysis and magma-plasma flow charts, we believe Carl Pavano’s right elbow is ready to burst into a thousand shards, potentially injuring teammates. We suggest letting him throw a few good innings in spring training, then trade him, immediately.
3. Having studied Kei Igawa since age 7, we do not believe he has the mental capability to succeed in the MLB. We suggest the Yankees consider signing the Japanese relief pitcher, Okijima, who impresses us every time he comes to our home for private screenings.
4. Roger Clemens will come out of retirement, bringing his special version of "pep" to the team.
5. In our long and emotional talks with acting director of operations Steve Swindall, we have come to believe his marriage is shaky. Thus, he is likely to be jettisoned by the Steinbrenner family. We do not know who will be the next owner, but we are pinning our hopes on one thoughtful and insightful son, who has proven himself with the Florida Breeders Association to have the iron will and intellect required of a champion MLB owner.
6. Phil Hughes is our future. We expect him to reach the majors in 2007. But it is critical that he be removed after 5 or 6 innings, thus preserving his arm. This must be done EVEN IF HE IS PITCHING A NO-HITTER. We’d like to repeat that, because some within the Yankee management have shown the tendency to overuse pitchers. Hughes must be held back, EVEN IF HE IS PITCHING A NO-HITTER.
7. Do not see "Pirates of the Caribbean 3." We say this with great sadness, but the advice comes directly from Kiera Knightly, with whom we have slept several times. Often, Ms. Knightly delivered this warning while in a heightened state of arousal, when even such a great actress as she is incapable of lying.
8. The Yankees should not trust Rudy Giuliani with any sensitive documents. We believe he is capable of being turned by the opposition.
9. Alex Rodriguez will have an MVP season in 2007, but the Yankees must not give in to his contractual demands under any circumstances. We’ve had long conversations with Warren Buffett, who assures us that A-Rod intends to stay in New York the rest of his career.
10. To maintain his focus, Kyle Farnsworth needs occasional water-boarding. We have made arrangements with "friends" in the CIA who can accomplish this mission. We hope the team owners will not be squeamish about this necessary activity.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Top 10 Yankee Reasons for Hope in 2008
2. Hughes (Unless he's traded.)
3. Kennedy (See above.)
4. Mariano, Jorge, Andy still in Pinstripes.
5. Giambi comeback. (Remember: This is a humor blog)
6. Stubby's cool leadership (See above.)
7. We're still richest team on the planet
8. Clemens can't return.
9. Dice K is the toast of Boston!
10. Only 12 more months of Bush's shit.
The last great sports quote of 2007?
"We covered the spread.”
NY Giants linebacker Antonio Pierce, following 38-35 loss to Patriots.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
2007 In Pictures
SMOKING GUN! Tim Russert outs Rudy.
TEXAS-SIZE SURPRISE! Not shown: puddle under Suzyn.
BRIGHT FUTURE! Rookie class of '07 steps up.
BRIGHT FUTURE! Rookie class of '07 steps up.
HA! 'Roids don't make you smarter.
WAGES OF CYN! The year's best shirt. The worst:
BIG FAT DRAG! Joe the cross-dresser.
In The Year 2008
Insiders say the book "will have nothing whatsoever to do with baseball, steroids, or HGH -- Senator Mitchell is done with that."
Set in a small New England town in the late 1940s, the novel, which is being written under the working title "The Mitchell Report: Episode III", introduces the reader to the hopes and dreams of people living in post-war New England, in a time when baseball meant one thing and one thing only -- the Redsocks; and steroids were something that Uncle George had that made it hard for him to sit for long periods of time.
"If that sounds interesting," says another insider, "wait until you read Chapter One. It's that good."
The book will conclude on December 13, 2007 -- when The Mitchell Report was released.
"That way, there's no gaps," another insider said.
Ca-No Mas Winter Ball, Robinson
A contract's a contract, Cash said.
In other Yankee news, somebody says the Bronx Bombers will win it all in '08 with Mr. Torre gone.
Top 10 Yankee Unanswerable Questions of 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
Not so good to be the King right now...
TOP 10 YANKEE EMBARRASSMENTS OF 2007
2. A-Rod yelling “Ha!” to Toronto Blue Jays.
3. Watching Boston win Series.
4. Slimy, cheap-ass firing of Joe Torre.
5. The Mitchell Report.
6. Opening Day pitcher Carl Pavano.
7. Blowing relations with Bernie Williams.
8. Blowing negotiations with A-Rod.
9. Resuming negotiations with A-Rod.
TOP 10 YANKEE MOMENTS OF 2007
2. Yanks top Indians in critical Game 3!
3. A-Rod hits historic 500th Home Run!
4. Yanks’ clinch Wild Card, take aim at Redsocks!
5. Joba Chamberlain, crippled dad, ignite fans!
6. Mets bounced from post-season in final week!
7. Yanks cut big marketing deal with China!
8. Yanks cut Mike Meyers!
9. Sean Henn, Bronson Sardinha, electrify in spring training!
10. Yanks release 2008 schedule!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
TOP 10 YANKEE DISAPPOINTMENTS OF 2007
2. Kei Igawa
3. Mike Mussina
4. Kyle Farnsworth
5. Steve Swindell
6. Chris Britton
7. Roger Clemens
8. Rudy Giuliani
9. Pirates of the Caribbean 3
10. Microsoft Vista
TOP 10 YANKEE NEMESES OF 2007
2. George Mitchell
3. Lake Erie insect life
4. Scott Boras
5. Carl Pavano
6. Steve Swindell
7. Joe Buck
8. David Ortiz
9. Kyle Farnsworth
10. Superfrankenstein
Arod Parties With...Rush?
Top 10 Yankee Firstbasemen of 2007
2. Andy Philips
3. Jason Giambi
4. Shelley Duncan
5. Wilson Betemit
6. Jorge Posada
7. Josh Phelps
8. Miguel Cairo
9. Chris Basak
10. Johnny Damon
Questions for the Rocket
What were your favorite moments of the 2007 Yankee ballclub?
Let’s talk about those Yankee youngsters. Are you as excited as we are about the Yankees prospects coming of age in 2008?
Some people say money wins ballgames. We say you have to play every single game where it counts, between the chalk lines. What’s your opinion?
Let's talk about Joe Girardi! How do you think his managerial style -- by the way, did you take steroid injections through the butt -- differs from that of Joe Torre?
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Mister Microphone
GROSS: In 2007, at one point, you were not publicly saying whether you would return to baseball or stay retired, and you, like, left everyone wondering what would happen, and there were a lot of concerns about whether you would stay retired or decide to come back. I was wondering, considering that you come from a single-parent family, and that you never met your biological father, whether any of that came to affect you in making the decision you finally decided to make, with the understanding that whatever your decision would be, it would also have been affected by your early entrance into the game, as a Boston Red Sock, on a team that nearly won the World Series, only to lose when the ball rolled through Mookie Wilson’s legs, allowing Bill Buckner to score; so, it’s one thing I’ve been wondering, what did you decide to do, did you in 2007 retire, or did you come back to the Yankees?
Monday, December 24, 2007
Five Best Comments to IT IS HIGH in 2007
5. Mindy said: Wonderful and informative web site. I use information from you site. Its great. Want to make girlfriend scream? Our pharmacy is open all hours.
4. Anonymous said: The Yankees are great, and I love what you do. Would you like to add 10 inches of manhood and be Superman to make all the woman cry happy? I can help!
3. Bernie said: What the fuck is this? Does John Sterling know about this? I don't think you are funny, and I'm going to let him know what you are doing. You should be ashamed of yourselves. I bet you don't even make your girlfriends scream in delight. But if you call my pharmacy number, I can help!
2. Schilling forever: The Yankees suck. Red Sox are number one! What's the matter, fukwads? You got noting to say now. Woo-woo. Gahhhhh. Boo-hoo to you. Habababaa! I am very happy. I added 24 inches to my Chien-Ming Wang, and I won the World Series. Want to be stallion and keep her moaning all night? Call me!
1. Roger Clemens said: Guys, whatever you do, don't call those numbers.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Szen and the Art of Scapegoat Maintenance
From today's times
Somebody noticed Stubby's shameful treatment of that office lugnut who didn't tell the IRS that players were tipping him for the extras, like making sure the trainers hide their syringes, or eliminating red M&Ms from the dreessing room before a performance.
"The guilty plea was barely out of David Szen’s mouth in a federal courtroom in Connecticut last week when the Yankees said, “You’re fired.”
"So much for the Yankees’ practice under George Steinbrenner of giving people a second and in some instances a third chance. Szen, who in a 25-year career with the Yankees had been their public relations director and traveling secretary, apparently didn’t rank high enough to merit a second chance and so is the victim of a double standard."
For 25 years, the poor slob worked in Scroogebrenner's dingy, suffering office. Can you imagine the shit he ate?
"Szen pleaded guilty to one count of filing a false income tax return. He owes the government $10,285, which is less than the $15,000 fine Steinbrenner paid in 1974 for making illegal contributions to Richard Nixon's re-election campaign."
Holy Billy Martin! How many times did this guy do the paperwork on players that Steinbrenner was forgiving?
The Times mentions a few cocaine abusers: Dale Berra, Rod Scurry, Rodney Scottt, Al Holland and, of course, the great Steve Howe. George took them back. Gooden and Strawberry pulled so much baggage I don't know where to begin the list. Martin's drinking. Giambi's juicing. George took them back.
This guy?
"But not only was Szen fired, he was not even told he was fired.
"“They never called me,” he said. “I read it on the Internet. The next day I got an overnight letter.”"
I hope the guy writes a book.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
PROJECT CENSORSHIP: TOP 5 YANKEE STORIES CENSORED BY THE MEDIA IN 2007
Exclusive to “IT IS HIGH”
1. In May, shortly before the signing of Roger Clemens, Suzyn Waldman’s brain was surgically replaced by that of a 63-year old, cigar-smoking, bald bartender from American Legion Post 1287 in Chittenango, NY. The change caused Waldman to exhibit violent mood swings during Yankee losses, snorts of disapproval over misplaced bunts and a constant impulse to swish a rag over Joe Torre's forehead.
2. In October, Hank “Stubby” Steinbrenner won his third straight world series ring in the Florida Horse Breeders Association Fantasy Baseball League, displaying what competitors called a "pure genius" knack for dynasty-building. To a man, the fantasy league members describe Stubby as a “crafty,” “diligent” and even “wily,” an organizational dynamo who presents a buffoonish image to lure competitors into carefully laid traps.
3. George Steinbrenner’s health deteriorated markedly in July after an ill-advised attempt to eat 50 eggs in a half-hour, the result of a bet with Gene “Stick” Michael. Upon eating the 50th egg, the elder Steinbrenner “booted worse than Bill Buckner,” according to witnesses. He has not spoken since.
4. The war is over, and there is no recession.
5 (TIE). An secret FBI operative named James Brower infiltrated the Yankee organization for a three week period last summer. He was dispatched on a special mission by U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who'd become aware of a Scranton player using the name "Alberto Gonzalez." Due to the collapse of the Yankee bullpen, Brower never completed his mission. He was called up to New York, torched and liquidated. He no longer exists.
5. (TIE) The Yankees won the World Series: Fox TV actually aired digitally created "post-season," which was prepared by a billionaire in Dubai seeking to start World War III. In reality, the Yankees swept Cleveland, the Redsocks and the Rockies, playing games on a remote Pacific island. The stands were packed by human clones, who are raised for their organs. Upon winning a “lottery,” they pack for vacations but, in fact, are shipped to a Hormel Foods Plant in Duluth. Watching the Series gave them temporary pleasure. We should all feel good about this.
The Free Agent Trade
VIZCAÍNO v. HAWKINS
COLORADO GETS:
RHP Luis Vizcaino, 33, who threw 75 innings last year for 4.30 ERA; streaky; carried the bullpen in August, wore out in September, lost playoff game 2 in extra innings by walking the leadoff man. Statistical astral twin: Jay Powell. Two years at $7.5 million.
WE GET:
RHP LaTroy Hawkins, 35, who threw 55 innings last year for 3.42 ERA (Remember: National League totals); pitched five innings for Colorado in the post-season, did well except for Boston, in which he gave up a run in 2 IP and took a loss. Statistical astral twin: Jose Mesa. One year, $3.75 million. PLUS A SANDWICH DRAFT PICK IN THE 1-2 ROUND.
Friday, December 21, 2007
MY TOP 10 YANKEES FOR 2007
Time for lists.
TOP 10 YANKEES OF 2007
1. A-Rod.
2. Jorge.
3. Jeet.
4. Cano.
5. Chien-Ming.
6. Andy.
7. Mariano.
8. Joba.
9. Abreu.
10. Melky.
The Book of Andy
Excerpts from “Strike Zone: Targeting a Life of Integrity & Purity,” by Andy Petitte and Bob Reccord (with Mark Tabb), published in 2005.
God, I wish we were making this up.
ON TEMPTATION: “With temptation coming from every direction and so many voices calling, “Try it, you’ll like it!” what’s a guy to do? Remember that God promised He would not allow temptation to be so overpowering that you can’t handle it. He promised that He would always provde a way of escape. The question is this: Are we looking for the escape route, and when we see it, do we use it?”
TWICE. HE SUCCUMBED.
ON MAKING THE MISTAKE: “James 4 tells us that if we’ve blown it, we must repent, admit we’re worng, and have a broken heart over what we’ve done. Merely saying, “I’m sorry” doesn’t come close to what God requires. When that’s all we’re willing to say, the only thing we’re usually sorry for is getting caught or facing the consequences. We're not sorry about breaking the heart of God."CHRIST, WE ARE SCREWED.
MORE COMING, BUT HERE'S THE UPSHOT:
Andy Petitte is a great Yankee, and if he's lying about HGH, he's going to Hell.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
On another note: Elder Bush Says He Won't Help Hillary Presidency
Big loss.
Bill Clinton said this week that President Hillary would send him and George H.W. Bush around the world to repair America's reputation. It was a great idea. Think of the ways that Ol' Man Bush could have improved our standing…
1. By stating, "Read my tubes: No new offspring."
2. Serve as constant reminder of how rotten the previous administration was.
3. Go to Venezuela and spook Hugo Chavez by dropping his teeth in mixed drink.
4. Start referring to Hillary as “the son I never had.”
5. Inspire series of “Willie Horton” ads against Ahmadjinejad.
6. In Japan, serve as designated sushi-puker.
7. Let Bar yell at White House servants.
Curt Schilling Spilling
Mr. Incoherency defends Clemens, (maybe, anyway), on his blog.
"What was your first thought when you saw OJ driving his Bronco down the freeway in a high speed chase?
"You are right, it’s not on me to pass judgment, which I wasn’t, I was offering my opinion. This is my blog, I can do that. Please delete the link and stop searching for the site if you don’t care or hate me, it’s really that easy."
OH? ME SURE LOVES TOO RIGHT.
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