Kucinich Introduces Measure to Impeach Cashman

WASHINGTON _ Citing incompetence, disregard for the public good and the signing of Kyle Farnsworth, Democratic Rep. Dennis Kucinich today introduced formal articles of impeachment for Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman.

Kucinich, speaking at a Washington news conference, told reporters, "It's high time the Yankee muckitymuck bosses were made accountable for the systematic failures that have plunged the team -- and our nation -- into an economic and moral abyss.

"Nepotism, whether it be running a team or a nation, is never a good idea."

Kucinich noted the uncanny historical relationship between the Yankees and the American psyche -- a link that has endured several world wars and the entire era remembered for secondbaseman Horace Clarke.

"It is time we restore the Yankees to the top of the American League East," Kucinich said. "And that begins by cleaning house."

Contacted in New York, Hank Steinbrenner, the public profile son of owner George Steinbrenner, had no comment other than to ask a small child on the street if he had an extra cigarette.

Cooked Yankee Wieners

If you look carefully, you can see both the player and his injury in this tantalizing display. Reading left to right, with one cross-over wiener, you will find:

Ian Kennedy - a mental health wiener.

Phil Hughes - a wiener with ribs.

Jonathan Albaladejo - elbow wiener.

Brian Bruney - a lis franc ( wiener ).

J.B.Cox - the latest shoulder wiener.

Jeff Karstens - unmentionable wiener.

Andrew Brackman - the longest wiener of them all.

Humberto Sanchez- pretty much an unknown and previously unseen wiener.

Carl Pavano - of course, the cross-over wiener.

Our Famed Multi-DH Defense Heads to Houston

AN OPEN LETTER TO JOBA CHAMBERLAIN:

Good luck, tonight.

The Yank brass will let you throw 95 pitches -- that is, if you get that far.

Here are few tips.

Try not to let them hit the ball to right. Jason's on a hot streak: two errors in two games. And Bobby's still seeing the shrink about his wallophobia.

For that matter, avoid pop flies to left. Due to our weak hitting, we'll probably have Hideki stationed out there. He's got the range of an earthworm.

That could mean Johnny Damon in center. (And why not? Melky isn't hitting, and he has 3 errors!). Johnny's still looking for his first assist this year.

It'll just seem like a game at Yankee Stadium: Monuments in the outfield.

OK, got that? No fly balls.

At short you've got Jeet, still smarting over those wiseass Ivy Leaguers who called him baseball's worst defender.

And don't let Jorge throw to second. His shoulder might go -- and with it, our season.

Robbie's got 5 errors. Good thing he's an offensive secondbaseman.

A-Rod, well... he's A-Rod.

So here's the plan: Strike out as many as you can.

That might mean 95 pitches in 4 innings.

Just keep in mind: This may be interleague play...

But on defense, it's not NL vs AL.

This is NL vs. IL.

A-Rod makes the Forbes Celebrity Power 100

Our boy ranks 24th on the list -- based on wealth, power and fame -- behind Roger Federer (23), Simon Cowell (22) and Madonna (21).

He beats Judge Judy (40), George Lucas (50), Rush Limbaugh (59) and even the Jonas Brothers (89).

Forbes notes that A-Rod always blew it by walking away from the Yankees last fall. Had he not reconciled, Alex probably would have dropped considerably.

Nope: Derek did not make the list.

Then again, neither did Manny.

Alphonso Returns to Mexico

"I'm sick and tired of being right, and I need a rest."

This reporter met with Alphonso at the tap room of the recently renovated Plaza Hotel in NYC.

"Let me tell you, " says Alphonso, " it is a drag and a burden to make the right calls every day about the Yankees."

"Just yesterday, El Duque badgered me for about 3 hours about the team, the minor league guys and our draft picks, and finally forced me to tell him that ( of course ) the Yankees would lose last night. They are incapable of going 2 games over .500."

It is true. I looked it up.

" I was right about my prediction that neither Ian Kennedy nor Phil Hughes would win a game before the all star break. I was right about the failure of the Yankees to let A-Rod sign with another team, when his agent screwed up his contract. I was right about the fact that the Knicks never should have traded Pat Ewing ( oh, I digress )."

" I was nearly right in saying that the Yankees would not score more than 2 runs a game for the remainder of the season. I was right about that incident with Edwar, Bruney and Matt DeSalvo down at Hooters last Spring."

And yesterday, Duque starts asking me about Jesus again. I will tell you now....he is not the ( our ) answer. Not now. Not when he gets out of Charleston. Not ever. His growing legend is mythological and, largely, based upon media hype and an effective PR team. In truth, the Yankees hope to build up his reputation as "our savior" and then use him as trade bait.

As for that 18 year old 3rd baseman from Cuba.....he is at least 28 and already needs bi-focals. I hit him a coconut the other day at his negotiating hideout in Florida, and he thought it was an American League ball. Asked me to autograph it. He looks like the son of Andy Morales, whose picture and contract are on the dashboard of my car.

I will also tell you that Rasner's star will soon dim, and he may well be the best young pitcher we have.

Trade Damon? Trade Gumby? Trade Moose?

Sure, and maybe we can get another number one pick to waste. Our guy Brackman, for those of you who don't read, has now gone for the medical exacta; in addition to his arm surgery, he has appendicitis...soon to be followed by malaria and bursitis of the head ( worsened by constantly hitting his 6'10" noggin on the ceiling at White Castle ).

It is hoped that the progress of his rehab will soon catch up to Bruney, who is rumored to be soft tossing hackey-sacks from a chair.

So I am off to seek more talent from the South Mexico dirt field independent league. The team I help coach is actually independent from all independent leagues except, oddly enough, a few that have recently been organized in China. How are the Yankee Chinese prospect signees progressing, El Duque?

As a footnote, the Yankees currently have more independent league players now in their organization, than any other team in baseball. And we're still able to play .500 ball. Imagine.

Here's the scenario for today's Yankee game; Joba pitches into the 6th with Yankee lead ( no more than 2 runs ). Farnsworth or Hawkins implodes in relief and we lose.

Adios.

Yanks Need extra $400 M for new stadium, probably $800 M to win pennant

It comes down to icing on the cake:

.

Will the new Yankee Stadium offer porcelain urinals or chrome troughs?

.

Molded seats or slabs of nail-infested barnwood?

.

C.C. Sabathia or Jeff Karstens?

.

Time to shell out, everybody.

.

We're getting a glimpse of cheap:

Win, lose, win, lose, win, lose and leave half the population of Westchester County on third base with less than two outs.

.

It's time to act:

.

Call Congress and urge it to give our heros whatever they want -- lawyers, guns, money, access to growth hormones, whatever -- because we are a franchise being run by drunken Albanians, and when the world is crashing around you, remember the first rule of modern war:

.

BRING CASH BY THE GARBAGE BAG.

.

With $400 million of public financing -- which is what the Yanks want -- there's room in one of those luxury suites for Ray Halladay, a bullpen and the entire Tampa Bay Ray outfield.

.

We should hold a telethon for this money-strapped team. We should bring canned food. Can Mariah Carey put on a concert?

.

YOU CAN'T WIN IF YOU'RE TOO CHEAP TO SPEND WHAT IT TAKES.

.

IN THIS CASE, A BILLION DOLLARS JUST MIGHT DO IT.

Lest we forget...

Kudos to the prescient and perspicacious Dukie for his deft foreshadowing of the obvious. However, let's be positive and focus on our true — and obtainable — goal!

Conversation with Alphonso

ALPHONSO: Doesn't sound like a year or to ago when we drafted Ian and Joba....I remember you telling me that if we could sign Joba, we'd have a really good draft. Oh well.

DUQUE: It's hard to get excited about this draft, because of what's been happening -- or not happening -- in our system.

Phil Hughes might turn out to be a colossal bust. Same with Ian Kennedy. I fully anticipated the chance that one might go sour. I never figured they both would.

Alan Horne is just now throwing again at Scranton. In other words, he's starting over.

Throughout our system, we really don't have anybody who is rising head and shoulders above the rest. In fact, if someone were to ask, who is the best prospect in our system right now -- the answer would probably be, nobody.

I suppose it would be Jesus Montero, who's done really well at Charleston. But it's so far down in Single A, and it's a guy who spends half his time DHing. I'm so tired of hearing the Yanks talk about how proud they are to have drafted Brackman. By the time he throws any pitches at all, he'll be an old prospect.

I'm starting to think about what we might get for a red-hot Johnny Damon (3rd in the league in hitting), if Tampa Bay showed interest. Who would give us something for Jason Giambi (who is also hitting quite well and playing 1B well enough for NL standards.) What could we get for them? And Melky. If Austin Jackson is the future, why not trade Melky?

We're a game ahead of .500. That means we'll lose tonight, right?

ALPHONSO: No one is going to trade for Damon or Jason, hot or cold. That is pure fantasy.

DUQUE: You are wrong. Right now, nobody would do it. At the trading deadline, that's another matter. I can imagine several young teams that could be really hot for a power 1B or a lead-off CF. Let's face it: They only have to pay a half-year of Giambi's salary, and Damon is having a rebirth. Abreu, too. Even Mussina (who is about to implode, by the way.) I think we could get something for any of those guys, if we play our cards.

ALPHONSO: I am beginning to think Darrrell Rasner is the best young pitcher we have and, by the way, we picked him of the Washington National's scrap heap.

DUQUE: You might be right. Nobody has come through the pike at all. Hopefully, Cox and Melancon will revive our bullpen by late August, even if it is too late for this year's race.

ALPHONSO: Phil Hughes broke ribs doing what, exactly? At his age, I could have fallen off a building and not gotten hurt. He is Carl Pavano without the babes. And he is not what they claimed either ( 91 mph FB vs 95 mph hype ).

DUQUE: This is what happens with all young pitchers. We have to track through it. Look at Scott Kasmir. He missed most of two years ago.

We cannot spend all winter making pronouncements of how important it is to hold on to young arms, then spend all summer ripping them because they're not Cy Young. Remember Ray Halladay's first year with Toronto? Out. Chien-Ming Wang missed half a year when he came up. They're hurt? They're young. Deal with it. In four years, Hughes will still be younger than Rasner is now.

ALPHONSO: Ian was, in my book, always hugely over-rated. He has no out pitch. He is like Mussina only in that he has to hit corners and mix 4 pitches to have a prayer....but Mussina is about 5 generations better in every respect. I wouldn't be surprised to see Ian be a .500 pitcher at Scranton, when he recovers from who knows what?

DUQUE: Again, give him time. We both agreed that the Santanna deal would have been a mistake. Yeah, the guy has been awful thus far. Both of them. What will really suck is if we pull a Doug Drabek. And you know exactly what I'm referring to.

ALPHONSO: A control and command injury ? A " lack of ability " injury ?

DUQUE: Call it whatever. Injuries happen.

ALPHONSO: Maybe the " accident waiting to happen " ( Karstens ) will return. He could be a mediocre middle relief guy.

DUQUE: I have no great hope for Karstens. Every time he's shown something, he either gets lit up or hurt.

ALPHONSO: But if neither Cox nor Melancon arrive soon, we may conclude that there is nothing helpful anywhere in Yankeedom.

DUQUE: This is very true.

ALPHONSO: I mean, Dan Geise????? Billy Traber???? Even the Mets knew that he sucked, and they drafted him ahead of Brandon Webb.

DUQUE: Geise should not be overlooked. He's pitched well. Traber retired the side with three strikeouts the other night. But you're right... longshots.

ALPHONSO: Tabata is a .230 hitter at AA, and has a reputation for being fat and lazy. AJ is not performing anywhere near how Melky did at AA level. So I don't see him as " the future" either. Not yet, anyway.

DUQUE: He's 19 at Double A. He got off to a terrible start, and his average has been improving. But again, you're right about the attitude stuff.

ALPHONSO: Jesus is being groomed to be a DH? Give me a break.

DUQUE: Yes. And this is one of the central issues that people in the organization should be discussing. They have another kid down there, high ceiling prospect. They need to get one of them to Staten Island, catching all the time. This is the problem with drafting a bunch of catchers high (which is what they did last year): You don't have anywhere to play them.

ALPHONSO: And, yes, we will lose again tonight. Darrell will give us 6-7 innings and 1-2 runs, but our offense is pathetic.

DUQUE: It is pathetic. I don't know why, but it is.

ALPHONSO: No one can hit when we have a chance to break open a game. Not even Derek.

DUQUE: We need A-Rod to get hot and carry this team for a few games.

ALPHONSO: It is really depressing.

DUQUE: Damn straight.

Yankeetorial: It is time to set Benchmarks and a Date to Consider Pulling Out of the '08 Race

(NOTE: We urge readers to post the following in all public schools, government forums and retail outlets, and to encourage that it be read aloud to church congregations and to assisted care populations.)

CITIZENS!

For seven years now, our pinstriped troops have poured resources and manpower into a failed and flawed campaign.

We have spent more than a billion dollars without a World Series ring to show for it.

Now, despite the surge of youth that was greatly anticipated, we languish at one game above .500.

One game above .500.

It is time for the Yankiverse to mull what was once unthinkable.

It is time to set benchmarks for a withdrawal from the 2008 pennant race.

Surely, some will call us “Surrender Yankees” or worse, Redsock fans. They will claim we must stay in the race until mathematically eliminated. We must stay in Big Muddy.

They are fools.

We must set a date. We must set benchmarks. We must find something worth rooting for.

We suggest July 4... Yankeependence Day.

By July 4, we must be at least 5 games over .500.

By July 4, we must be least within eight games of the Wild Card.

By July 4, we must have at least one arm in the bullpen, other than Mariano, with an ERA under 4.00.

By July 4, we must have one bat capable of driving a runner home from third with less than two outs.

If these benchmarks are not met, we call upon our leaders to immediately begin troop withdrawals.

We must initiate trade talks with longtime enemies.

We must jettison Giambi, Damon, Abreu, Mussina, Farnsworth, LaTroy, Melky -- there can be no sacred cows! -- to build the next generation, a team that can win in 2009.

This will hurt.

But we cannot continue our bat-guzzling ways. The world has changed.

We must change... by July 4. Yankeependence Day.

It is high, it is far, it is... Roger Clemens on Viagra?

The Daily News says Roger Clemens and other MLB players use Viagra during games.

Doctors say the drug enhances blood flow to major parts of the – oh, the hell with this, we all know what it does: It makes a mean pitcher a little meaner.

Yeesh. It’s tough enough to stand in against a 95-mph fastball. Now, imagine it coming from a guy with a diamond-cutter poking from sliding shorts, and that if you bend to knock the dirt out of your cleats, he might make a flying leap at your dumpster.

Well, someone could make all sorts of lame jokes about this, but it would be crude and tasteless and – HELL, DID SOMEBODY SAY CRUDE AND TASTELESS?

LET’S GO.

Q: How does Roger Clemens throw on Viagra?

A: High and hard.

Q: What do they call Roger Clemens at the Fruit of the Loom company?

A: That guy with the wicked splitter.

Q: When on Viagra, how does Roger Clemens screw in a light bulb?
A: Quite well. The hard part, though, is getting him inside the light bulb.

Q: Why did Roger Clemens throw the bat at Mike Piazza?

A: He didn’t need two of them.

Q: What does Roger Clemens never find in a bullpen?

A: True relief.

Q: What do they call Roger Clemens caught in a rundown?

A: The pickle in the pickle.

Q: When Roger Clemens comes up to bat, what do fans expect?

A: Good wood.

Q: You hear Roger Clemens has gotten a little kinky while on Viagra?

A: Yeah, he's gotten to like being handcuffed by grounders.

Q: If you're Roger Clemens, what's worse than a hanging curve?

A: Just hanging.

Q: Why did Roger Clemens come to the ballpark early?

A: He heard there was a chance to shag a few flies.

Q: What team did Roger Clemens most love to play?

A: The Tampa Bay Devil Lays.

Q: Why did Roger Clemens want to be a closer?

A: He wanted to experience a blown save.

Q: Why was Roger Clemens a lousy batter?

A: He spent too much time choking up.

Great Calls from John Sterling, If He Had Been Bush's Press Secretary

After Condoleezza Rice assures Congress of WMDs in Iraq...

“AN A-BOMB, FROM A-CON! EL CONDI DUCI... SWEETER THAN CHENEY!”

After Dick Cheney shoots a friend in the face...

“THE CHENEANBINO! EL VICE PRESIDENTE DECLARES WAR! AN UPPER-LICKY FROM DICKIE!”

After Katrina decimates New Orleans, and Michael Brown’s FEMA launches the rescue...

“BROWNIE GOES BOOM... MICHAEL BROWN, COME ON DOWN... BURN, BROWNIE, BURN!”

After Karl Rove evades prosecution in the Valarie Plame scandal...

“WHO’LL FLOSS ‘EM? TURD BLOSSOM... DOCTOR SPIN DOES IT AGAIN... THE BILK MAN DELIVERS!”

After Donald Rumsfeld tells Iraq G.I.s they must put makeshift armor on Humvees...

"HE IS HIGH, HE IS FAR, HE IS... DON! A RIBBY FOR RUMMY!”

On a certain battleship in May 2003...

“BALLGAME OVER! WAR OVER! YANKEES WIN.... THU-UH-UH-UH-UH-UH... YANKEES... WIN!”

If Mustaches Fail, Other Physical Identities That Could Unite Yanks

Giambi's mighty mustached musclemen took two from the always-tough KC Royals, but with Johnny Damon now clean-shaven, it's time for a new team look.

We could be the Blackberry Yanks!

Tattoos could bring us together.

How to beat Boston? Hickeys!

Could Farnsworth get through the eighth with a lip plate?

Maybe we should show less of ourselves, even in the presence of celebrities.

Wait! I got it!

THE ONE PHYSICAL CHANGE THAT COULD UNITE THIS TEAM THROUGH OCTOBER... AND BEYOND.

Thousands of Lucky Yank Fans Forget Day Game, Avoid Watching Painful Loss

Our batting order also forgot it was a day game.

Oh, well, it was only the Royals.

Think of the glass half-full:

We took 2 out of 4 against the always-tough Kansas City Royals.

At home.

With Jorge Posada back.

Top All-Time Baseball Nicknames that, Well, Sound a Bit Phallic

Vlad the Impaler

The Tent Maker

The Stick

A-Rod

Woody

Bonehead

The Penguin

Eagle Eye

Knobby

The Big Unit

Godzilla

Cuke

Bags

Pee Wee

Cobra

Pat the Bat

Everyday Eddie

Mr. Marlin

The Little General

The Franchise

The Iron Horse

The Big Hurt

The Chairman of the Board

The Toy Cannon

The Village Idiot

Yankee Victory Quiz

1. The Yanks looked solid today because...
a) Joba and Giese gave them six solid innings.
b) Giambi and Damon are hot.
c) They're playing the KC Royals.

2. Joba looked solid today despite...
a) Not lasting through the fifth.
b) Giving up a HR to Jose Guillen that would still be traveling if not for the upper deck.
c) That it was the KC Royals.

3. Jorge Posada today...
a) Didn't let any baserunners steal.
b) Drew two walks.
c) Had a good game, but then again, it was the KC Royals.

Joe Girardi: The DH Whisperer

Time to give Joe credit.

He stuck with Giambi. (Now .259, climbing, with power.)

He stuck with Damon. (Now .328, skyrocketing.)

He stuck with Abreu. (Now .289, showing power.)

He stuck with Matsui. (Now .329, staying strong.)

It's almost a year to the day that we began our 2007 run.

It. Is. Not. Too. Late.

Overheard: Two Announcers Talking

Scene I: A broadcast booth on a long, hot day. It is the 8th inning of a baseball game, and SUZYN, a career woman, is explaining to JOHN, her co-worker and senior partner, that not every great prospect turns out to be a star.

SUZYN: Sometimes things just don't work out.

JOHN: And 'sometimes' is 'a lot of times,' too.

FADE to crowd noise.

"BEDLAM IN THE BRONX!!!"

IT WAS EPIC!!!

IT WAS DRAMATIC!!!

IT WAS SENSATIONAL!!!

IT WAS ...

IT WAS ...

IT WAS ...


... against Kansas City.

The team with the 28th-best record in baseball.

Well, it's better than losing 12-11.

Oh No

You only had to hear Jim McKay's voice and you knew there was something you should be looking forward to.

Crazy game

Crazy win!

Giambi showing classic signs of Battered Yankee Syndrome

Last night, with the game in the balance, only one person in God's Creation believed that Jason Giambi swung at a strike three pitch.

That person was home plate umpire Ed Montague.

If such a travesty had happened to Big Papi, he would be pouring tea in the harbor today. Fox News would be running a countdown until Montague appeared for an interview. Bud Selig would rise from his ventilator and order a public caning.

The Yankee Matrix wants justice.

What does Giambi say?

"It doesn't really matter now. You can't do anything about it... I really respect and love Ed Montague. I'll never say anything bad about him. It's over now."

Of course, we understand the impulse. Giambi is in denial. He's hoping that Ed Montague will forgive him for striking out, and they can be together again. They can exist happily back at home -- the ump and his Stepford Yankee batter.

But Giambi needs to address the obvious. His low batting average won't go away. His tortured days and nights will continue.

The abuses will continue until Ed Montague is called on the carpet to acknowledge his crimes.

Last night, 50,000 people wanted Ed Montague to seek counseling -- to ask the third base umpire for the help that he needs. He refused.

We must not go back to the dark ages.

What Happens When the Yanks Reach .500?

They lose.

Yankee Loss to Royals Quiz

1. Tonight, the Yankees left 15 runners...
a) on base.
b) who had gotten on base.
c) stranded, after they had gotten on base.

2. In losing to the Royals, the Yankees wasted...
a) a great outing by Darryl Rasner
b) 15 base runners.
c) our time.

3. The Yanks are now back to...
a) below .500.
b) talking about how any day now things will change.
c) failing in clutch situations.

4. Before beating the Yankees in Yankee Stadium, the Royals, as a team, had...
a) lost 11 straight games on the road.
b) upset stomaches.
c) Linsday Lohan.

5. The Royals win tonight was...
a) only the 10th win in Yankee Stadium since 1994.
b) a dagger into our hearts.
c) probably -- God, I hate thinking this -- the first of a 3-game sweep.

What happens when Jeet grows the pornomustache?

Thus far, Jason Giambi, Johnny Damon have grown muststaches, and Joe Girardi is said to be attempting one.

This is the break we've waited for -- that Walter Matthau rallying the Bad News Bears moment, that explosion of hope moment when Susyn Waldman enters the booth with a soup-strainer.

They will say of the 2008 Yankees: They grew staches and turned it around.

BUT... it comes down to the Captain. Can the most iconic face New York sports suddenly change?

And what... it hurts to think, after all Jeet has done for us... what if he can't grow a mustache?

Dear God, what if follicles simply do not obey his commands? He might be force into a non-PC look.

Or one that screams, "Bases! We don't need no stinkin' bases!"

Maybe he will become the Teacher, counseling Robbie Cano: "Grasshopper, you must face down the bunt, or the bunt will face down you."

Start growing, Jeet. Get to it.

Yogi-isms about Sex that Yogi Never Said (and Certainly Would Not Condone)

It ain’t oral ‘till it’s oral.

It’s like karma sutra all over again.

If a woman ain’t gonna come, nobody can't stop her.

Who can think and screw at the same time?

When everybody sleeps with her, nobody sleeps with her.

She’s really short, like that Hobbit guy, Dildo.

Inside her, it gets late pretty early.

If you see a fork in the road, use a rubber.

She’s easy, so I’m hard.

She had an orgasm on her leg, so we sterilized it.

Nookie ain’t worth a dime any more.

Viagra. It’s the erection you need, if you don’t have an erection.

I voted for Bush in the last ejaculation.

A lot of my layings, I never even laid.

You can get off a lot just by watching.

Ninety percent of her tits are half-fake.

Our Day One Draft Analysis

At considerable expense, we have scouted the nation's 2008 draft talent since 1996, when the pool included many of you IT IS HIGH readers. (Yes, we know what you did to Mindy in third grade.) Therefore, here is our take on the Yanklets chosen by the Mother Ship:


FIRST ROUND: GERRIT COLE, pitcher, high school



Bone density scale: 77.
Stool sample analysis: Stinky. Had he eaten a pizza?
DNA Genome breakdown: Could be candidate for Alzheimers after age 87.
Psychological report: Expressed desire to return to womb. During sessions, often mentioned fantasy of growing wings and flying over baseball stadiums, dropping "love bombs" onto opposition. Should be kept apart from Giambi.
Overall: Fuck it. He's 6'3, has the Scott Boras Seal of Approval, and he was on all the bloggers lists. He'll throw a pitch before last year's pick, Andrew Brackman, does. He'll look good coming off the bus. How bad can it be?

FIRST ROUND SANDWICH PICK: Jeremy Bleich, (pronounced as the sound of vomit?) pitcher, Stanford

Tongue type (Coronian Scale): E
Stool sample analysis: Icky. May have been left in baggie too long in back of Alphonso's hot car.
DNA Genome Breakdown: Might be our mistake, but we think he's the illegitimate son of Mike Mussina, which we already thought was Ian Kennedy.
Psychological Report: Believes in ghosts. May have stalked Lindsay Lohan during 2006 spring break. Told rib-tickling jokes about celibacy, then attempted to pay for sex with interviewer. When interviewer declined, subject claimed to be police agent, seeking to break up undercover sex ring. (NOTE: Our court date is June 19.)
Overall: The bloggers are calling this pick a gamble, because there's no fossil record of his previous existence, other than to be treated for tendinitis. Nevertheless, he's a LH pitcher, and the Yanks have nobody else in the system who is LH. Somebody must have liked him, (although our draft guy, Oppenheimer, is increasingly being true to his name in developing bombs.) Who knows, maybe Bleich will take Brackman's place in rehab, and in the year 2013, they'll be teammates at Scranton, reminding us all of the great Hughes-Kennedy wave of 2008. (Sarcasm alert for the cynically-impaired.)

In Dramatic Sandwich Round Pick, Yankees Choose Salami and Provolone on Rye

OK, yeah, shoot me. YOU GET ONE CHANCE AT THIS JOKE ALL YEAR, AND YOU BETTER TAKE IT.

UPDATE: The Lohud Blog reports that the salami might need Tommy John surgery and thus cannot be eaten until 2010. Bummer.

Yankee Victory Quiz

Choose one:

1. Today, Jason Giambi...
a) Hit a pinch-hit, walk-off two-run homer with two outs in the ninth on an 0-2 count against lefty closer B.J. Ryan to turn Yankee Stadium into a madhouse.
b) Wore his lucky thong.
c) Groomed his lucky porno mustache.
d) Saved his soul.
e) Blew out John Sterling's voicebox.
f) All of the above.

2. The Yankees are now...
a) 30-and-30.
b) On a blistering two-game winning streak.
c) No longer afraid to visit this website for fear of encountering Photoshopped images of themselves with animals.

3. In the fifth inning, Melky Cabrera dropped...
a) a fly ball.
b) a big steaming load.
c) his pants.

4. Chien-Ming Wang is...
a) Scaring us.
b) Starting to regret that soul-swap incantation that Mike Mussina talked him into.
c) In post-season form.

5. Today will be remembered as...
a) The first day of the rest of your life.
b) The day the Blue Jays almost captured Capt. Jack Sparrow.
c) A great day to be alive.

Was this our "Ha!" Game?

Last year, it happened May 30 against... well... the Toronto Blue Jays.

Rounding third, Alex Rodriguez yelled "Ha!" causing infielder Howie Clark to let the ball drop.

We tacked on a few runs and won the game.

Toronto manager John Gibbons went bonkers.

Jason Giambi went out with a foot injury.

Tyler Clippard was part of the rotation.

Roger Clemens was preparing to join us.

Robinson Cano was starting to hit.

And soon, we were on an 8-game winning streak.

Bruney Rehab Plan

In today's update on the health of Yankee DL prospects, it was reported that Brian Bruney ( Lis Franc ) is re-habbing by " throwing from a chair ."

If that doesn't work, Brian will regress to an open crypt.

Don't you just love the Yankee medical team?

El Duque Takes Charge of Today's Yankee Draft

I am wifiing this from Rose's Cantina in South Mexico, awaiting the mini van I sent for 9 guys in the Yankee bullpen.

I am going to discuss their financial futures and retirement plans.  

There is a lot of infastructure down here in dire need of young, formerly athletic men.  Bridge building; dung sweeping; cactus paring; and weaving.

But let's be positive.  There is plenty of room for a Yankee coup in today's draft, and our own El Duque knows the drill best.

Right off, he'll go for two guys needing arm surgery.  Then, a 31 year-old college graduate just back from a tour with the State Dept. in Yemen, where he starred on the all arab team.

Best of luck, Duque.

We'll all be watching.

FUTURE ASTUTE OBSERVATIONS BY HANK STEINBRENNER

Stubby, quoted in today's Murdoch fishwrap:

"We got our work cut out for us... A lot of mistakes have been made over the last seven years."

.
Hm-mm. He's on to something. What's next?
.

June 19: "Hollywood stars should think twice before drinking and driving. It is not a good thing to do. I'm sorry if that bothers someone, but it's the truth.”

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June 30: "It's a good thing that they put your credit card number on your credit card, because I can never remember mine."
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July 2: "Historically, Styx was a great band. They deserve a lot more credit than they get. I think most people would agree, if they only took the time to listen to a few Styx albums from start to finish."

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July 29: "Somewhere along the line, gerbils got a bum rap. There’s nothing sick or kinky about gerbils. I’d get one, but what’s the point? I've got a baseball team."
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Aug. 23: "A fast-food franchise could make a lot of money if they brought back the deviled egg. Nobody makes good deviled eggs. I’m surprised nobody has done this yet.”
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Sept. 1: "Moms are great. Without a mom, who do you call on Mother’s Day? Your dad? Think about that one."

Yankee Victory Quiz

1. The Yanks tonight beat...
a) the Blue Jays.
b) their own personal demons.
c) ground balls into three double plays.

2. Our best starting pitcher thus far this season is...
a) Mike Mussina.
b) Jamie Moyers.
c) 39.

3. In the last 15 years, Mussina has had 9 or more wins before the All-Star break...
a) 14 times.
b) yeah, no kidding, 14 times.
c) look it up, doubter: 14 times.

4. The bullpen tonight...
a) Pitched three great shutout innings.
b) Didn't give up six runs and get booed out of the park.
c) Didn't include LaTroy Hawkins.

5. With a base hit, Derek Jeter tonight...
a) topped Mickey Mantle on the all-time Yankee hit list.
b) moved into third place on the all-time list behind Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig.
c) remained in first place on the Maxim Hot 100.

Evidently, Some People Are Starting to Think the Yanks Won't Be in the Playoffs

The price of the last regular season game -- which increasingly looks as though it will be the last game ever at Yankee Stadium -- is getting, I guess you'd say, pricey.

As in $16,668 a seat.

Bullpen readies for another big night

With the talent we have, the 7th inning is always a pleasure.


There is only one way to watch.

Dinner with the Duncans

In today's episode, Shelley writes home with good news.

The Bard of Minnesota: Carlos Gomez

A (slightly homoerotic) poem by youthful Twins outfielder Carlos Gomez, who speaks to his bat before every trip to the plate.

A boy and his bat

When I was 10 years old
Every time you see me at the plate
I smell it, I kiss it
I talk to my bat

I do it depending on the situation.
Sometimes I tell it,
'Come on, get a base hit now,
or I won't use you no more,
you have to get a base hit.'

When the bat does his thing

base hit

after that, I kiss it.

I love my bat.
I say sometimes,

'I love you, keep going.'

Source: Gomez at home atop Twins' lineup

Waxman Committee to Investigate Yankee Management for Use of Hallucinogenic Mushrooms

WASHINGTON_ A Congressional submcommittee last night announced that it will probe the New York Yankee braintrust, based on allegations that no group of human beings could achieve such a state of dysfunction without the use of mind-altering substances.

"They have managed to squander more than $210 million on a team that hit its 50th double play ball last night," said Henry Waxman, chairman of the House Committee on Yelling at Athletes. "They make Halliburton look like a finely tuned Swiss watch."

Ranking Yankee team nepotist Hank Steinbrenner, speaking on behalf of the Peter Principle, denied that the ownership has used psychotropic substances, though he said some middle managers may occassionally salt their daily diet with lead-based paint chips. He also denied rumors that Joe Torre's job is in jeopardy.

Yankee fans Welcome Return of Edwar Ramirez to Stadium

Oh, yeah.... Now I remember Edwar.

Michael Kay called tonight "his first bad outing" of the year.

Innings pitched: 0.0
Hits: 1
Runs: 4
Earned Runs: 4
Walks: 3
Balls/Strikes: 17-3
ERA: 2.81

Three days ago, his ERA was 0.00.

By this time next week, he's going to be entering Chris Britton territory.

Nine Men Out: The Great Yank Bullpen of '08

Pictured: LaTroy Hawkins, Edwar Ramirez, Jose Veras, Dan Giese, Billy Traber, Chris Britton, Kyle Farnsworth, Ross Ohlendorf, Kei Igawa. (Missing: Scott Patterson, Brian Bruney, Jonathan Albaledejo.)

Joba Hits Magic Number 62, Breaks Maris Record

Oh.

Nevermind.

Roger Clemens' Emotional Distress

Brian McNamee slimed my name,
Slandered my game,
Handed me shame.

I never did the things he said.
He hurt my cred.
**sniff**
Wish I were dead.

Can’t sleep at night, I have bad dreams,
Hear crazy screams,
‘Bout clears and creams.

Next time the two of us cross paths,
I’ll rip him in half
And gnaw on his lats.

Whatever’s left, I’ll chop in bits
And mail t’ his kids,
Mis’rable shits.

I’m warning you, judge, don’t forget:
I was a meek pet
Ere he and I met.

DAY ONE

With reluctance and great uncertainty, we at IT IS HIGH hereby go through the motions of hyping Joba Chamberlain, the savior, the changer, the manchild who shall lead us - thus joining the media enslaught that will put him on a pedestal so high that no matter what the poor guy does, it won't be enough.


We do this to alleviate the intense fear this team is instilling in us.


Even John Sterling is fed up. Last night, in the fifth, when ARod stranded Jeter on third with one out, John didn't hide his contempt for the lackluster way we pursue the fundamentals of baseball.


Nobody gets paid $10 million a year for fundamentals.


Girardi was supposed to instill them in us. The official line was that Joe Torre had gone soft, and Girardi would take us back to basics.

It hasn't happened.


The line was that our young pitchers were going to be able to carry the older ones, breathe fire into the bullpen, that our farm system had turned the corner and would bear fruit.


It hasn't happened.


We are slow, we are sluggish, we are a team of double-play balls waiting to be hit, a team of salary dumps waiting to be made.

Sooner the better. But tonight... DAY ONE.

Dinner with the Duncans

In this episode, Shelley's future looks uncertain.

Another Bridge Collapses in Minnesota: The Kyle L. Farnsworth Memorial

Manager Said to Be Missing

MINNEAPOLIS _ Police say 25 Yankees were killed Monday when the $30 million Kyle L. Fansworth Memorial Bridge abruptly began wobbling and crashed into the Eighth Inning River.

Witnesses said the Andrew E. Pettitte Construction Crane momentarily went out of control, slamming into the famous bridge, which connects the downtown to suburban Riveraville.

It was believed that the Derek Jeter Emergency Rescue -- oh, fuck this -- these Yanks are so disgraceful that they don't even deserve to be satired. This isn't funny. This is horrible. We might as well run Gitmo torture jokes. Does anybody realize that it's almost exactly a year -- it was June 9, 2007 -- when Yankee fans fell for the "Roger Clemens is Coming Back" hype? And now we're supposed to buy into the notion that Joba Chamberlain is going to turn everything around? This is criminal. What happened to the fire that Girardi was supposed to light under this team? What happened to the farm club that Cashman was supposed to be developing? We spend more than anybody else, twice as much as most teams, and look at what we are: a team of big contract zombies. Is anybody going to shake this team up?

How Krazy Kyle ALSO sees The Twins

What the Twins look like when Farnsworth is Pitching

Rude Igawa

I sat behind home plate at Frontier Field on Saturday night to see Karstens leave injured (again), and Jason Lane knock an extra inning 2-run homer against the Red Wings.
About 3 innings in, lo' and behold, the man, the myth, the legend, Kei Igawa came out to watch (hey his first name is my last name!).
He was accompanied by his posse and fellow interpreter, and seemed to be pretending to keep score.
When asked for an autograph, he didn't even speak... just pointed at his scoring sheet and shook his head. Some other guy came up later and tried to get his attention, but the omniscient Igawa didn't even turn around (eyes in the back of his head?).
Finally, at the end of the game, he scribbled this on a baseball (nearly writing on Nick Green's signature!!):


Just think, when Igawa finds a better home and wins 3 consecutive Cy Young awards, this little piece of history will be alllllll mine (P.S. Alphonso will be my financial agent when the time comes to sell this prior to my retirement).

Let's beat those funky Twins

...though no more balls to the face (so to speak), please. But Livan is pitching tonight, so let's watch out for the Curse of the Ex-Marlins!

The Newest Reason to Hate the Redsocks

They torture animals.

Someone Needs to Mock these Mock Drafts

It's that time of year, when baseball's Mel Kuipers predict the order of cattle selections in next week's free agent draft.

(Baseball's Mel Kuipers... that says it all, eh?)

Last year, the Yankees swiped 6'11" Andrew Brackman from the herd. Since then, the 6'11" Brackman has stood head and shoulders above other prospects, literally. He has yet to throw a bad outing. In fact, he has yet to throw an outing. He underwent arm surgery and hopefully will throw his first pitches in 2009. This was known in advance, though. Thus, Yank scouts could go the entire year without having their top choice judged in the court of actual game performance.

Well, that's a damn tough act to follow.

Last weekend, the Insider-Inside Baseball geeks held "mock" drafts, debating whether the Yanks will snatch Zach Collier or Robbie Ross in the 1st round.

I know what you're thinking: Collier or Ross? Wow! That's like choosing between Meryl Streep and Glenn Close. Or between Jose Veras and Ross Ohlendorf. It's just too hard.

Here's our analysis:

It would be nice to have a Yank named Zach. John can yell, "Zach on the attack!" But what Yank fan can ignore the alliterative aspects of "Robbie Ross." (Unless it's too close to Roger Repoz.)

Here's our prediction of what the geek chorus will say following the draft:

Round One: "... potential superstar!... can't believe he was still available... might need TJ surgery, but not to worry... will probably throw first pitch in 2021!"

Round Two: "... great pick!... clearly available only because has signed with Scott Boras... would surely have gone higher, but for the rape charges..."

Rounds 3-50: "... can't believe he/she was still out there!... a sure 1st-rounder on everybody's list... our best pick since Brackman.... don't believe ESPN's take; they hate the Yankees over there... "

Even at Scranton, We Get Charged with DWY: Disagreeing While a Yankee

Check this out from Chad Jennings. Then write your congressman.

The nut of it (boldface mine):

Tuesday's scheduled starter, Dan McCutchen is serving a three-game suspension beginning today. He was suspended for throwing two pitches in a row behind a hitter in Pawtucket. That was in a series that saw the Yankees No. 3 and 4 hitters each get plunked twice, so while I can't say absolutely that McCutchen was trying to hit a batter, it wouldn't surprise me.

Did you get that? The baby Redsock pitchers HIT our third and fourth batters TWICE.

We throw NEAR their batter AND DO NOT HIT HIM!... and our man gets suspended.

Who is making these rulings, George Mitchell?

Abreu will be one of the 7 People Nick Blackburn meets in Heaven

Breaking: Great news! Nick Blackburn is OK!

Repeat: Nick. Blackburn. Will. Live.

Oh, and we played horribly and lost.

But, hey, who's keeping score? Certainly not us.

In case you haven't heard, Twins pitcher Nick Blackburn got Herb Scored-upon in the fifth inning. Bobby Abreu played Gil McDougald. A line shot to the mouth, or as Nick will be calling it, "da mouf."

Yank post-game interviews were larded with Hallmark card sentiments for the fallen foe. Abreu, who almost forgot to run to first base, met privately with Blackburn with enough contrition to probably give the Pope an erection. "Everyone is a human being at that point," Joe Girardi said. "You have concern for the individual."

Moreover, the Yanks were so distraught, so angst-ridden, that they graciously refrained from hitting the rest of the game -- despite a fife-and-drum parade of Triple A arms worthy of the Proctor-Sturtze pens of 2005-7.

Yes, we are a team of great humanitarians and seriously nice guys. We remember birthdays. We grieve for our opponents' losses. We feel their pain. We give at the office.

Don't take this wrong. We don't want anybody hurt. But when the Redsocks played bazooka on Jeff Karstens' leg last year, I don't recall anybody wincing on the way to first. I don't recall expressions of anguish. Nobody held back. They tasted blood and went for more.

It's good to wish Blackburn well. It's good to care.

It's not good to use a freak injury as an excuse to phone in a game.

Are Any of You Readers Millionaires?

Because we have a really sick idea...

It might involve salmonella.

The Minor League Analysis We Swore We Wouldn't Do

OK, there's nothing worse than bloggers who tout prospects they've never seen. (Has anybody noticed that our top OF prospect, 19-year-old Jose Tabata at Trenton, has turned into a headcase -- being pulled from games for not running out ground balls. Could it be that he's been reading all the fawning praise heaped on him by self-proclaimed experts?)

I am not an expert. I haven't seen these guys. But... some observations.

The good: We must have somebody down there.

Scranton-Wilkes Barre has the best record in the Triple A International League.

Trenton has the best record in the Double A Eastern League.

Tampa has the third best record in the high-A Florida State League. (2nd place in the division.)

Charleston has the second best record in the South Atlantic League. (2nd in divison)

We probably have the best record overall in the minors. (Too lazy to do meaningless math.)

This could be due to a traditional organization-wide infatuation with winning pennants (though we fired our Trenton MGR, Billy Masse, last season supposedly because he put wins in front of player development.) And Scranton, as usual, has more guys on the way down than up.

Still, wins are wins. Somebody's doing it. We are pouring a lot of talent into the funnel.

The Bad: None of our hyped prospects is having a breakout year.

Brett Gardner is doing OK at Scranton. Same with savior Jesus Montero at Charleston (though, WTF? he's spending a lot of time at DH.) We don't have one hitter absolutely lighting up his league. (In each, there are a few. They're not ours.) Remember what Alphonso Soriano and Nick Johnson did to the Eastern League? You knew they were going to be hitters.

Nobody has broken out, (Tabata looking overmatched at AA) which leads you to wonder if they are real or just figments of the Yankee hype machine.

Pitching? It's harder to get a feel from stats, because ERAs are so erratic. (One bad start can knock a guy into oblivion.) A few, like Eric Hacker and Ryan Pope at Tampa, are doing well. But the arms we hoped would arrive this year -- Alan Horne (hurt), Jeff Marquez (inconsistent), Stephen White (same) Chase Wright (mired at AA) -- they haven't stepped up.

Humberto Sanchez got hurt again. Christian Garcia is just starting to throw. And Brackman, last year's "steal" from the draft, is in Pavanoville.

Relievers JB Cox and Mark Melancon generate talk. Cox has done well, moving up to Scranton. His numbers look good, but he's still giving up base hits. Melacon had been dominating at Trenton, but last night, he went 3.2, gave up 5 hits and 2 ER.

Organizationally, we're great. Somebody has to emerge. It might not be the ones we've heard about.

PS. Best site I've found for tracking this stuff is Pending Pinstripes. Anybody got a better one? Lemmie know.