Thursday, June 12, 2008

Alphonso Returns to Mexico

"I'm sick and tired of being right, and I need a rest."

This reporter met with Alphonso at the tap room of the recently renovated Plaza Hotel in NYC.

"Let me tell you, " says Alphonso, " it is a drag and a burden to make the right calls every day about the Yankees."

"Just yesterday, El Duque badgered me for about 3 hours about the team, the minor league guys and our draft picks, and finally forced me to tell him that ( of course ) the Yankees would lose last night. They are incapable of going 2 games over .500."

It is true. I looked it up.

" I was right about my prediction that neither Ian Kennedy nor Phil Hughes would win a game before the all star break. I was right about the failure of the Yankees to let A-Rod sign with another team, when his agent screwed up his contract. I was right about the fact that the Knicks never should have traded Pat Ewing ( oh, I digress )."

" I was nearly right in saying that the Yankees would not score more than 2 runs a game for the remainder of the season. I was right about that incident with Edwar, Bruney and Matt DeSalvo down at Hooters last Spring."

And yesterday, Duque starts asking me about Jesus again. I will tell you now....he is not the ( our ) answer. Not now. Not when he gets out of Charleston. Not ever. His growing legend is mythological and, largely, based upon media hype and an effective PR team. In truth, the Yankees hope to build up his reputation as "our savior" and then use him as trade bait.

As for that 18 year old 3rd baseman from Cuba.....he is at least 28 and already needs bi-focals. I hit him a coconut the other day at his negotiating hideout in Florida, and he thought it was an American League ball. Asked me to autograph it. He looks like the son of Andy Morales, whose picture and contract are on the dashboard of my car.

I will also tell you that Rasner's star will soon dim, and he may well be the best young pitcher we have.

Trade Damon? Trade Gumby? Trade Moose?

Sure, and maybe we can get another number one pick to waste. Our guy Brackman, for those of you who don't read, has now gone for the medical exacta; in addition to his arm surgery, he has appendicitis...soon to be followed by malaria and bursitis of the head ( worsened by constantly hitting his 6'10" noggin on the ceiling at White Castle ).

It is hoped that the progress of his rehab will soon catch up to Bruney, who is rumored to be soft tossing hackey-sacks from a chair.

So I am off to seek more talent from the South Mexico dirt field independent league. The team I help coach is actually independent from all independent leagues except, oddly enough, a few that have recently been organized in China. How are the Yankee Chinese prospect signees progressing, El Duque?

As a footnote, the Yankees currently have more independent league players now in their organization, than any other team in baseball. And we're still able to play .500 ball. Imagine.

Here's the scenario for today's Yankee game; Joba pitches into the 6th with Yankee lead ( no more than 2 runs ). Farnsworth or Hawkins implodes in relief and we lose.



michael kei said...

And how about Ohlendorf's mustache? That thing made me want to go wash my eyes when I saw it.

Anonymous said...


We're gonna win tonight.

Bet the house.

Anonymous said...

You were right about the Oakland game.

I was a " day or so " off on Joba's start.

We are one game over .500, so tonight we lose. And the formula:

Joba pitches well enough to win, but the " bridges " to MO fail.

See Billy Wagner.