Friday, June 13, 2008

Tim Russert Interviews Death

RUSSERT: First, thanks for taking time out from your busy schedule. We’re honored to have you on Meet the Press.

DEATH: Glad to be here, Tim. I’ve always admired your work.

RUSSERT: Let’s get to it. Obama and McCain. Who are you supporting?

DEATH: Tim, as you know, I never discuss an ongoing operation. You don’t want to tip off the enemy.

RUSSERT: But by remaining silent, aren’t you playing into the hands of critics? There is a credibility issue here. There are folks out there, some of them your own supporters, and they’re saying, “He doesn’t care; he’ll take anybody. He’s not about justice; he’s all about numbers.”

DEATH: Tim, let me say what I told Charlie Gibson: They can call me anything but late for the funeral.

RUSSERT: OK, shifting gears. We have a videotape. This is you – Aug. 2, 2007, visiting an isolated community of rare Antarctic penguins. You’re beckoning to them, talking in Penguinese – an endangered species, mind you – and now, here you are, sending in the polar bears, and… it’s… it’s horrible. We can’t show most of the footage due to the graphic violence. And now, here you are, marching the little guys up the glacier in your final dance. An endangered species, mind you. Gone! Do you feel good about that?

DEATH: Ask the polar bears. Tim, you want a planet with 100 gazillion penguins? If you think lines are long at the Red Lobster now-

RUSSERT: You took Princess Diana.

DEATH: I did.

RUSSERT: And Marilyn. You took Marilyn, in her prime.

DEATH: I’m not so sure about that. But, OK, yeah, I take celebrities.

RUSSERT: Shirley MacLaine says you’ve had her at least six times. She writes on her website, quoting now: “When I walked across Spain on the pilgrimage called Santiago de Compostela Camino, I encountered myself in a former life.”

DEATH: Shirley and I-

RUSSERT: Is Shirley MacLaine telling the truth? Did you take her previously, once as a Spaniard? She claims to have seen UFOs. Do you fly UFOs?

DEATH: Tim, I didn’t’ come here to discuss my relationship with Shirley MacLaine.

RUSSERT: You’re an immortal, supernatural entity. You have unlimited power.

DEATH: Yeah. I hear about my “unlimited power,” then read about the new cure for cancer.

RUSSERT: But when I was a kid, you lurked around every corner. We feared you. Now, here’s your chance to lay everything out, to put everything into perspective.

DEATH: What? You want to know the meaning of life? That’s easy. It’s-

RUSSERT: I'm sorry, but that's all the time we have.

DEATH: Tim, don't you-?

RUSSERT: When we return, insights and analysis from Democrat James Carville, Republican Mary Matalin and Greed. Thanks for stopping by. I'd love to talk more, but that's life, eh?


Anonymous said...

This is terrible! It's in good taste. What the hell are you doing? It's a disgrace!!

Massapequa Parking said...

Bad combo of not funny and in poor taste. Should be pulled.

Anonymous said...

This is terrible, delete it.

Anonymous said...

I agree. It's not vicious enough.

Anonymous said...

You want us to wipe away tears and offer condolences to the family, to act like Matt Drudge and all the other media who suddenly want everybody how big their hearts are -- because now they're breaking -- we won't do that.

If you care about somebody -- if you really give a fuck -- you try to write something funny. Anybody can wear a sign around their neck that says, "I'm so sorry. Look at me grieve."

They go on TV to say they're too grief-stricken to be on TV. Can you imagine that?

Anonymous said...

I agree.

I think this is clever, fitting and a fine tribute.

I heard this guy tell of his visit to the Pope. Highlight of his life. Good for him.

Personally, I prefer Geoff Pope. He runs a 4,28 forty.

Anonymous said...

Ignore the haters, Duckie!

Anonymous said...

Genius. After sifting through shit on all other blog sites, I love IIH,IIF,IIc for the balls to post the content they do!

Kudos to the entire staff.

Easily the funniest corner of the Internet.

IIH,IIF,IIc continues to hit 'em out of the park on a daily basis.

The Shamus
IIH,IIF,IIc's #1 fan!

Wailin' Suzyn said...

Hey guys!

I've been away. Did I miss anything?


P.S. Hey Old Man Crazy Pants, did you have your seatbelt on when you wrote this?