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Monday, June 23, 2008

George Carlin Interviews Death


CARLIN: Well, well, look who’s here. The trash collector. You know you can never throw away a trash can. You leave it, they won’t take it. Ever notice that?

DEATH: I have noticed that.

CARLIN: Hey, I have some questions for you.

DEATH: Fire away.

CARLIN: "In the unlikely event of a water landing . . ." Well, what exactly is a water landing? Am I mistaken, or does this sound somewhat similar to SMASHING INTO THE OCEAN?

DEATH: Actually, that’s what it is, smashing into the ocean.

CARLIN: Another thing. Do you deal with God? Because, if I were you, I’d be a little nervous. Everybody he makes dies.

DEATH: That is the truth.

CARLIN: And if you do things he doesn’t want you to do, you might go to a burning place in Hell for all of eternity. But remember... HE LOVES YOU.

DEATH: Yeah, well…

CARLIN: You believe in Frisbeetarianism?

DEATH: Presbyterianism?

CARLIN: No. Frisbeetarianism. The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on a roof and gets stuck.

DEATH: That’s possible, I suppose.

CARLIN: Lemmie ask you. In heaven, can I say the seven words?

DEATH: No. They're not allowed.

CARLIN: Then I’m going to hell?

DEATH: Not my call. But if I were you, I’d just keep quiet.

CARLIN: Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

DEATH: Please, don't say those words.

CARLIN: Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

DEATH: Stop that. This is extremely-

CARLIN: Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

DEATH: You can’t… Stop that…

CARLIN: Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

DEATH: You’re hurting me.

CARLIN: OK. Sorry. But I’m not sure I want to go heaven. I've never wanted to join a group whose symbol is a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

DEATH: I don't blame you. Look, it’s time. Take my hand, and we’re going for a walk.

CARLIN: This is very gay, you know. Ever notice how somebody driving slower than you is an idiot, and somebody driving faster than you is a maniac?

DEATH: I don’t drive. Let’s go. Take my hand and walk with me.

CARLIN: Can I sing a song?

DEATH: I don’t care.

CARLIN: Ta-da-da boom dee yay! Did you get yours today? I got mine yesterday. That's why I walk this way...

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

You guys try so hard to be funny, yet you fail time after time.

Wailin' Suzyn said...

OK, we'll quit.

Anonymous said...

Suck my piss, forgerelli!

This has to be th efunniest blog on the internet!

Go back to playing D+D in your mom's basement on her old dial-up connection on the Tandy 6400.

Classless Asshole!

He gang-- this was even funnier that the Russert one. Great, great work as always!

The Shamus
Coming to NYY

08/08 !

FEAR THE STACHE !