Friday, June 27, 2008

Yankeetorial: Jeet Faces Greatest Test Yet -- Madonna on Prowl

(Note: IIH, IIF, IIc urges readers to print-out and post this critical message on all public billboards, streetcorners and restrooms, in the hope that it is made available to Mr. Derek Jeter. This will be the most important assignment you've undertaken as Yankfans, and these are surely the most important words our Captain shall ever read.)

Dear Captain Jeter,

You are about to hit the crossroads between unspeakable pleasure and superhuman despair.

We beg of you…

Select: b) Despair.

Let me tell you a little story...

It’s about a little boy from Michigan who dreamed of being a ballplayer. He met a wizard named Mr. Torre and achieved a great run of World Series rings, commercial endorsements, Maxim models, pop divas and TV show cheerleaders. In other words, he drank only the top babe-aholic beverages.

Then one day, a very scary succubus (see above) from a faraway land dumped the wonky Brit she had bagged in hopes of salvaging her film career. This sorceress, an accomplished author of children’s books and sex guides, thirsted for a new manly vessel, which she could drain and, thus, stay young and do Marine Corps. push-ups forever.

Well, that little boy was not Clay Bellanger.

We’re talking about you, the Captain of the Yankees.

And we’re talking about the gravest threat you will ever face.

Did you know Madonna once bagged Jose Canseco?

Dennis Rodman. Remember him?

Vanilla Ice? Google the name. There is much to be learned.

Madonna was once married to Sean Penn. That year, he batted .189. She replaced him with Warren Beatty, who suddenly couldn't hit righties.

Yes, we know what you’re thinking.

Why worry. A shag’s a shag. Tell her to take a number. Find ‘em, field ‘em, fling ‘em, forget ‘em. What's the fuss?

Oh Captain, our Captain... you do not understand what is coming.
She is not going to chase Big Papi.
She is not going to notch Donald Trump.
This is a middle-aged popstar who works out so hard she gets pregnant by her trainer... and probably without even having sex.

Jeet, Jeet, Jeet... This is real.
You may be Superman. But she is Doomsday.

Remember: b) Despair.

(NOTE TO WORLD: Would she be appeased with Jacoby Ellsbury?)


Anonymous said...

I think Jacoby is a "poof" as they say in the UK.

So, he won't satisfy her unless she always dresses in her marine fatigues.

Anonymous said...

Methinks dr. alphonso has a crush on someone...

...and I don't mean Louise Ciccone.

Anonymous said...

Madonna is looking for a nice Jewish boy, so maybe Shawn Green.

Anonymous said...

Youkilis is too ugly for her.

Here's a thought -- what about Mr. Sterling??????

I might actually start to like her if she got Mr. IIH, IIF, IIc off the air.

Only fantasizing, I know.

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking it's time for Madonna to revisit her lesbian days and go for Suzyn!

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go throw up.

Anonymous said...

Dr. Ruth,

Who is Louise Ciccone?

Rick Cerone's cousin?

Madonna's girlfriend?

Our number one draft pick this year?

I know nothing about the real world. That's why I'm asking.

Anonymous said...

Stang said...

Quit it. Derek don't hit no old ladies.