Monday, June 30, 2008

Yankeetorial: Happy Evil 2nd of July!

Wednesday is Latin America’s Navidad de Beisbol, known in el Norte as Ricardo Aramboles/Wily Mo Pena “Money for Nothing Day.”

July 2... when MLB teams announce their Latino 16-year-old Human Cattle Sweepstakes.

One baseball’s slimiest undersides.

Why do we let it continue?

Unlike U.S. players, who get drafted by MLB teams – so the worst and cheapest clubs always get first dibs – 16-year-old Latinos get wined and dined by everybody and anybody. Yanks, Redsocks, Dodgers -- they all come bearing swag. Hell, if I were a high school sophomore in Ashtabula, Ohio, with a 90-mph heater, I’d change my name, move to Venezuela and start taking bids.

Wednesday, one Latino 16-year-old is going to announce that he signed with Oakland -- OAKLAND! -- for $4.25 million.

That sure beats being drafted by the Kansas City Royals.

But let’s not kid ourselves. MLB will not allow U.S. prospects to sneak south of the border into the land of teen riches. It wants American kids to stay under its thumb, stuck with whomever calls their name on draft day. It even assigns “slot” figures, based on what round the kids are drafted in. Supposedly, teams shouldn't pay any more than “slot money.”

Thus, they can spend more in the Latino market, which isn’t regulated.

Great. Just great.

The top Latino kid, some pitcher named Inoa, supposedly signed with the Yankees last month, then broke his word and signed with Oakland for more than $4.25 million. Oakland! Keep in mind he’s 16. (Which means the wining and dining occurred while he was 15… hell, probably it started at age 10. What a personality prize this guy will be at age 22.)

Why do Latinos get bidding wars, while U.S. players get screwed? Good question. Maybe it’s because a few Central American economies are hooked on baseball farms like we’re hooked on oil. It’s pure exploitation. Drop 500 kids into the grinder, and one slides through to become a star. As for the other 499? They join Hugo Chavez and hate the USA for the rest of their lives.

Two years ago, we signed 16-year-old Jesus Montero for a record payout. It wasn’t half what this kid will get from Oakland. Oakland? WTF?

Hank Steinbrenner should be buying prospects like cartons of cigarettes.

When Oakland’s paying out $4 million, watch MLB applaud. The Gammonites will shout, “Look, the small market teams can compete! It's parity! Isn’t that wonderful!”

Fuck that shit. They compete in being corrupt. The Yanks should buy every damn Latino player, pay whatever it takes, and force MLB to do something. If the Yanks did it, they would scuttle this horribly, incredibly corrupt and evil system – teams buying 16-year-olds for kricesakes, WTF?, how do we condone that, how do we live with that, and what kind of monsters are we raising on these farms? Force the issue. Trash this system. Do something nobel, for a change.

This system sucks.

Pardon us Wednesday, if we don’t celebrate our future Aramboles or Wily Mo (two guys we spent Pavanoesque money on, they turned out to be older than we thought, because -- oh, did I forget to mention this: Latino scouts lie about kids' ages -- and we got even less than Carl delivered.)

Nevertheless, note to Jesus Montero. Do your best.

If you excel, the Gammonites -- that is, the keepers of baseball "morality" -- will complain that OMG! the Yankees are using their money unfairly! This is terrible!

Maybe they'll do something. Hello, anybody out there? This Latino system sucks. You guys in the mainstream: Are you gonna say it?


Anonymous said...

lol a yankee fan complaining about anything the Athletics do. Maybe they can revert to being your second farm system, and give you superstars for over the hill scrubs.

adam said...

Anonymous - you're so incompetent it almost fails words. Did you, uh, read the article, or was shit smeared over your eyes in Yankee hatred that you didn't get the reason why it was written?