Thursday, June 26, 2008

Yankeetorial: An Open Letter to Sir Sidney Ponson

(Note: IIH, IIF, IIc urges readers to print-out and post this critical message on all public billboards, streetcorners and restrooms, in the hope that it is made available to Sir Sidney Ponson. This will be the most important assignment you've undertaken as Yankfans, and these are surely the most important words Mr. Ponson shall ever read.)

Dear Madam or Sir:

You are about to perform in a test of will between the New York Yankees and the New York Baseball Mets.

In other words, for reasons of divine justice that humans cannot fathom, you have received one more chance at redemption.

One. More. Chance.


Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was a child in the land of Aruba, who received from the fates the magical gift of a golden arm. He grew up to be very large. Sadly, this boy squandered his wonderful golden wing on tomfoolery and loin.

But when that little boy -- now a grown man -- looks up at night, he sees the same stars in the infinite cosmos. He sees a billion points of light, many of them which can be purchased in the National Star Registery for $39. That means, one of those stars is his star, named for him.

And that star, the Sir Sidney star, will be watching Friday.

Well, I hope you've guessed by now that the little boy I'm referring to... is you.

(Note to readers: And you, and you, and you.)

Sir Sidney...

There is only one outcome for you now, and it was written long ago by a great man, under contract to Michael Eisner. It is the backbone of every movie ever made. It is the story of the foul slob who finds truth and learns to hurl.

Sir Sidney, Friday, you shall honor the Circle of Life.


From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun,
There's more to see than can ever be seen,
More to do than can ever be done.
There's far too much to take in here,
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle...
The Circle of Life


Go forth, Sir Sidney, and hurl.

Go forth... honor the star that holds your name in the National Star Registery, (which others can purchase and take delight in as well) -- and remember:

Each of us shall be judged, not by how much we love... but by how much we are loved.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Is Shawn Chacon on deck to start Saturday? I heard he is available.

As long as we're picking up retreads...

Anonymous said...

And I thought we were all judged by the amount of beer and sausage we could consume; the beauty of the woman we attracted; our ability to hit a curve ball; and whether or not we stepped in doo-doo and got rich.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious.

Anonymous said...

I stand corrected.

They won't release old buddy Shawn until Monday.

Start him Wednesday in place of Sir Sidney? He should have an incident by then.

Anonymous said...

I guess Roger is not available -- the gods are with us on this one.

http://www.southernledger.com/ap/145466/Mindy_McCready_charged_with_violating_probation