Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Yankeetorial: It is time to set Benchmarks and a Date to Consider Pulling Out of the '08 Race

(NOTE: We urge readers to post the following in all public schools, government forums and retail outlets, and to encourage that it be read aloud to church congregations and to assisted care populations.)


For seven years now, our pinstriped troops have poured resources and manpower into a failed and flawed campaign.

We have spent more than a billion dollars without a World Series ring to show for it.

Now, despite the surge of youth that was greatly anticipated, we languish at one game above .500.

One game above .500.

It is time for the Yankiverse to mull what was once unthinkable.

It is time to set benchmarks for a withdrawal from the 2008 pennant race.

Surely, some will call us “Surrender Yankees” or worse, Redsock fans. They will claim we must stay in the race until mathematically eliminated. We must stay in Big Muddy.

They are fools.

We must set a date. We must set benchmarks. We must find something worth rooting for.

We suggest July 4... Yankeependence Day.

By July 4, we must be at least 5 games over .500.

By July 4, we must be least within eight games of the Wild Card.

By July 4, we must have at least one arm in the bullpen, other than Mariano, with an ERA under 4.00.

By July 4, we must have one bat capable of driving a runner home from third with less than two outs.

If these benchmarks are not met, we call upon our leaders to immediately begin troop withdrawals.
We must initiate trade talks with longtime enemies.
We must jettison Giambi, Damon, Abreu, Mussina, Farnsworth, LaTroy, Melky -- there can be no sacred cows! -- to build the next generation, a team that can win in 2009.

This will hurt.

But we cannot continue our bat-guzzling ways. The world has changed.

We must change... by July 4. Yankeependence Day.


Anonymous said...

Duke: We hold the "Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada Cabrera" with Brett Gardner playing the Barry Pepper role and then that jumpy little scrotum sucker pulls a huge insurance run out of there last night.

How many items did Billy Beane break last night with the Suzuki GIDP, bases loaded, one out?

Michael Lewis wrote that Beane drives around and listens to the game on the radio...did he drive off the road when that happened?

BTW, this week fuck Moneyball, the A's and Lewis. You know he's as supercilious as is humanly possible and his wife Tabitha Soren and Epstein and his wife go out to Mistral in the South End for dinner when they're in Boston.

Tabitha, to the manager on the way in: "I want to ensure that all of your ingredients, even the spices, are grown organically."

Anonymous said...

And we are January Jones, in the kitchen, washing the dishes. Here comes Barry Pepper!

Anonymous said...

that's funny as hell. Dwight's sheriff role in that movie was classic.

Anonymous said...

Shooting that scene must've been a hoot for father and daughter.