Thursday, August 22, 2013

Exclusive: Official minutes of Secret Yankee Brass meeting this week in Tampa

Several news outlets have reported that Hal Steinbrenner this week called the Yankee Legion of Super Suits to Tampa for a rant session about the farm system, which has turned out bumper crops of pebbles now for three seasons. (BTW: Next year's harvest could be the juiciest, bursting with flavor, Pop Rocks yet.)

This is great news. It almost makes me believe Hal is reading some Yankee blogs, who for years have been decrying the dead farm system - while the mainstream beat writers work to capture those delightful post-game quotes, which are so treasured by Yankee fans.

At considerable expense, IT IS HIGH hired Brian Cashman's rappeling teacher to shinny down from the building's roof and cup a microphone to the window, allowing us to record the event. Unfortunately, the man fell to his death.

Nevertheless, another source came through. The following are official minutes of the session.

9:00 a.m. Owner Hal S. opened meeting, welcoming summer interns from Wharton School.

9:01 a.m. Mr. Cashman recited Pledge of Allegiance. President Levine sang National Anthem. Breakfast buffet served. Gavel accidentally landed on thumb of intern. Team Dr. P.O. Quackman offered first-aid.
9:16 a.m. Owner Hal S. opening remarks.  Asked, "What the f--- going on?" Noted, "J---- C----, who the f----!  Slade f--- Heathcott!" Inquired, "Oh my G---, f---  Gary Sanchez?"

9:29 a.m. Owner Hal S. accidentally smashed Mr. Coffee decanter over intern's forehead. First-aid applied by Dr. Quackman.

9:35 a.m.  Intern revived, bleeding stopped. Intern signed waiver of liability or insurance claims, as provided by President Levine.

9:45 a.m. Discussion of latest L. Lohan topless pics on internet.

9:54 a.m. Mr. Sterling gave presentation on Tab Hunter celebrity memoir.

10:00 a.m. Mr. Cashman named winner of A-Rod photo dart-throwing contest. Seconded by Mr. Kay.

10:05 a.m. Owner Hal S. set fire to A-Rod photo, following dart contest.  Seconded by Mr. Scott Proctor.

10:06 a.m. President Levine emptied fire extinguisher on A-Rod photo. Seconded by Mr. Selig (via internet).

10:20 a.m. Presentation on Yankee Code of Ethics by Mr. Mel Hall (via transmission from New York State Correctional Facility at Attica.)

10:30 a.m.  Owner Hank S. proposed Smoke Break. Seconded by Dr. Strawberry.

11:30 a.m. Super Juice Health Lunch served by Yankee co-litigant ally and former Biogenesis president "Doctor" A Bosch. Menu included items designed to combat "low T" and stimulate "personal growth."

11:50 a.m.  Co-owner and second sibling Hank S., announced feeling "super-charged for work;" challenged Wharton interns to shirtless wrestling contest.

Noon: Intern accidentally thrown from fourth story window during wrestling contest. Ambulance called by Dr. Quackman. While awaiting ambulance, owner Hal S. said to have set personal record for pushups.

12:15 p.m. Board table smashed into bits by Owner Hal S. 

12:20 p.m. Move for meeting to be adjourned for group to go "wilding." Meet to be convened later at Pole Dance hotspot. Seconded by Mr. Cone.


KD said...

And just where was Suzyn during this distinguished and fun-filled gathering? Was she too busy sizing up the interns to take part in John's presentation? I hear some of those Philly school boys bear a resemblance to Jason Nix...

Anonymous said...

Suzyn is waiting for them at the Pole Dance hotspot.

She's only wearing the leather pants she favors and her favorite pasties with the interlocking NY logo.