Friday, August 23, 2013

Gomorrah v. Tampa: With umps and syringes in our pocket, the Damned Yankees head south

The Evil Empire (TM) - (Note: The Levine Dream Team should also trademark "Spawns of Satan" and "Evildoers from Hell" - is grinning today, from lawyer to lawyer, as our club of demons - led by Osama bin Arod - heads to the God-fearing, Koran-burning capital of the world - Florida - hoping to fling more innocent children into yet another sinkhole straight to hell. To scare them witless, we should play in hoodies.

That's the story arc of Major League Baseball's media, where anyone with a keen moral compass must root against the Yankees - the team of Arod Hitler - because, well, if you have be told why, you might as well swear allegiance to the Beastmaster yourself.  It's like tapping your toes to that Daft Punk song, "Get Lucky:" Everyone else is doing it. So get with the program!

Yesterday, the Yankees deliciously proved that the umpires too can act as useful tools of Satan - with not one but two blown calls on a sinking liner to center. On the YES Network, Michael Kay and David Cone belched sulfur about the Yankees lucking out on the call.  But the following inning, The Master and Mrs. Yogi were grousing over the Yankees being screwed by the bad call in center. Jeez. It's confusing when the sons of George Satanbrenner take the reigns.

Let's face it: As Yankee fans, we have no choice but to revel in our supreme evil.

For supporting this team, I will burn in Hell.

I will stand before a dark tribunal, led by a three-headed demon - each with the face of Bud Selig but a different hairpiece - and each gavel blow will have the impact of a Ryan Dempster fastball hitting my ribs.

For eternity, I will sit in a dugout between Bobby Valentine and Tim McCarver, hands stuck to my mouth with pine tar, while the 2004 ALCS is rerun on NESN.

All because I sided with Satan in this nightmare 2013 season.

Ah, but it will be worth it... YES, IT WOULD BE WORTH IT... just for that wondrous glimpse of the Apocalypse... Bud Selig style:

The Yankees, led by Darth Va-Rod, win the World Series on a blown call, obvious to everybody but the ump who botches it.

This comes at 2 a.m., following a two-hour rain delay that Bud Selig himself ordered, because it seemingly would hurt the Yankees' chances.

After the game, the $25 million-per-year Commissioner refuses to come into the Yankee locker room to award the World Championship trophy. Instead, Vladimir Putin is sent, in the hope that he will steal A-Rod's ring.

Ahhhhhhh, a two month run, in exchange for eternity in hell? What choice do we have?


KD said...

All that sounds like a good tradeoff for an NYY WS win in 2013 but before I sign on for this eternity in Hell thing, I gotta know: will we be hearing the Master and Wailin' Suzyn calling redsocks victories 24/7 for all eternity?

JM said...

I'm tempted to think of that old Twilight Zone where the shifty, no-good rat wakes up dead with Sebastian Cabot as his butler and a life where everything goes completely his way, from women to clearing the pool table in one shot. He assumes he's in heaven, but finally he can't stand it, so he asks to go to "the other place." To which Mr. French says, "But sir, this IS the other place."

There's no relation to our situation here and it really has nothing to do with the Yankees, but it's the first Hell story that popped into my head. Hey, I'm still having breakfast and I have a client conference call in less than an hour, so give me a break.

And I still heart Ichiro.

Alphonso said...

You know why I'm not posting, right?

el duque said...

I hope you didn't just mess us up for tonight by commenting.

KD said...

I thought that Fonzy and Mustang had absconded...