Open letter to the Yankees: Get A-Rod to San Diego tonight

Dear Madams or Sirs,

For better or worse, the one-size-fits-all pariah known as Alex Rodriguez is about to leave baseball - and perhaps public consciousness - forever. Love him or hate him, in our lifetimes, we won't see another A-Rod, ever again.

Come Monday, baseball's drug problems will vanish. Pope Pious will issue his proclamation, making the game as clean as Anthony Weiner's touchpad. Fort Steinbrenner can pretend it never heard of Alex Rodriguez, as it celebrates a 10-year contract for Robbie Cano and scans the waiver wires for our next Ben Francisco.

Come Monday, the Yankee season might be over: The pennant race, the wild card race, whatever - if we are swept in San Diego - and after C.C.'s implosion last night, who has a good feeling about this? - we will tumble behind Kansas City, and, friends, falling behind KC is the Webster's definition of being out of it.

So... DO THE RIGHT THING, DAMMIT! Give A-Rod one last game! Get him on a jet plane. Stuff him into a FedEx package. Do whatever it takes. Get him to San Diego... NOW, before Monday, before the bomb goes off, before Bud hands down his blacklist, before the circus ends without glimpsing the star attraction.

Reinstate him, Brian. Put him in, Joe. Bat him third, God. Yes, it means benching the great Brent Lillibridge, but only for one weekend. Give the world one last image of Alex Rodriguez - homering or walking back to the dugout in shame. Give John Sterling one last shot at an A-Bomb from A-Rod. Give us something to remember.

Of course, the good people of San Diego will boo. They're still staying classy from that Anchorman movie. But on that historical first pitch to A-Rod, every flashbulb in the stadium will explode. And every sports fan in captivity will run to watch. For the Yankees, it will be the most interesting moment since Swisher muffed the liner to right field against Detroit. Don't deny us that moment. We deserve closure.

Monday, MLB will have no scandals, and after this 9-month debacle, you better believe Selig will have no taste to investigate Big Papi or anybody whose name ever pops up in some weight loss clinic. (They can't sue fake doctors in the D.R., am I right?) Nope. Bud will have declawed the Yankees - our 2014 marketing slogan hould be "All-Natural and Gluten-free!" - while presenting the Steinboys a get-out-of-jail card for bad contracts. They'll take the money, pull out their pockets when Cano's agent steps to the plate, and we'll be left with Mariano Rivera Day and maybe a few photographs of Ronnier Mustellier, pushing 30, as the future of the franchise.

One last weekend. One last game. One last set of plate appearances. Do it, Yankees. Otherwise, we'll never even know if A-Rod actually could have made a difference. Did that expensive hip surgery work? Could he really come back at all? Don't you want to know?

Get him to San Diego. NOW. Tonight. Sunday night. The time is ticking, folks. Do it.

Put him in, coach. A-Rod wants to play. What are we waiting for... Monday?