Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The Evil Empire... evil again? John and Suzyn are fightin' mad

Yesterday, torrents of rage boiled from the Hertz 24/7 Broadcast Booth, (formerly the Lowe's Broadcast Booth: "Let's build something togethahhhhhh....") when John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman learned of MLB's "punishment" of Ryan Dempster... who may be the reincarnation of Phil Linz's harmonica.

Quickly, the Yankiverse truth posse called the spade the spade... the kettle black... and "it" as they saw "it:" The MLB justice system is a sham, a hoax, a mirage, a dingbob.

At the time, I was involved with a certain critical undertaking, requiring hammer and nail, and thus could not apply my full diligence to their precise words. Hopefully, historians someday will sift through game audio and restore the conversation, which should be heard by all American citizens and certainly studied in law schools across the country.

Both John and Suzyn lambasted the MLB "suspension," which isn't even a slap on Dempster's wrist. It's more like the soft lips of Bud Selig tenderly touching his knuckles.

The basic John and Suzyn talking points:

1. It's not fair. Not fair at all. You can talk all you want about A-Rod and the appeals process, but this is not fair. Not fair at all. Dempster won't miss playing time. That's not fair. NOT fair.

2. As a result, two-bit no-account pitchers, looking to make a name for themselves in Cleveland or Tampa, will be inspired to throw at A-Rod. Somebody will lose an eye. What will MLB say when that happens? Tough beans? It's not fair. NOT fair.

3. As for the claim that A-Rod supposedly lied to MLB investigators? Well, what about Dempster, Mr. Moral Policeman? When reporters asked him if he purposely threw at A-Rod, he claimed otherwise. That was a lie. A bold-faced lie. Everybody knows he was lying. Not fair. NOT fair.

We are backed into a corner, the whole world rooting against us.

In other words, we got 'em where we want 'em.

Still, it's not fair. NOT fair.


KD said...

more of a love tap, really. followed by those giggles that only lovers share.

John M said...

Yeah, KD, my initial elation has been replaced by the fact that it's just not fair. NOT fair.

Girardi got fined double what Dempster got fined, and like SanJoseKid said, Dempster won't even miss a start. NOT fair.

Total MLB bullshit handling of the Sox yet again.

Tom said...

Not fair. Not fair at all.
However, consider this: Dempster kind of sucks. He's making a ton of money, and he's just the sort of guy we want the Red Sux to be sending out there as often as possible. His ERA in August is 7.40 and since the All-Star break 6.43.
So perhaps Joe Torre was doing us a favor in a Machiavellian kind of way?

Sexy Suzyn Waldman, in the Hertz broadcast booth, said...

I will personally disembowel any pitcher who plunks Jayson Nix. This afternoon I'll give him the same mineral oil rubdown I gave him yesterday. That will ensure another game-winning hit. They call that "Jobu", and it's explained on a website run by some guy named El Duck, who wrote a book about it. Oooh, Jayson, like my new perfume?

George Weiss said...

Tom's right -- We want that bum to keep pithcing for the Sux. Also, five games for him equals about $400,000 in lost pay.

joe de pastry said...

The worst part is that Dumpster GETS PAID for those five games, so it's like a vacation.