Roger Goodell is not dead, the Yankees are 4 games off the Wild Card, and Paul O'Neill is still micro-dosing LSD

Last night's Goldie Hawn moment: Michael Kay asks Pauly O'Neill if he ever homered on a 3-0 count. The Trump supporter mulls it, then recalls hitting one off one of the Weaver boys, Jared or Jeff. He describes the feeling of vindication, after the manager shows confidence in you, etc.

A few minutes later, Kay reads a note from the YES research center: It never happened. Pauly didn't homer off a Weaver - but a Leiter - Mark, the brother of Al, who happens to be sitting next to him in the booth. Oh well, brothers is brothers, right? It was somebody's brother. By then, Pauly is working YES-mo replays, telling us to "watch the dot (ball) get smaller... The smaller the dot (ball), the harder it is to hit."

Purple Haze, right? Maybe sour diesel...

Meanwhile, on the Yankee Radio Network, Driven by Cheap, some Yankee-hater engineer is manning the MLB.com feed, because once again, they cut to commercial during the Master's WinWarble. John Sterling shouts "Ballgame over," and BAM - we're into a car dealership spot. WTF? We can't even get a full WinWarble from a rare Yankee victory?

Of course, we could be the Angels, the most miserable team yet seen in 2016. Gregorio Petit playing SS! Escobar at third, not even knowing how many outs there are! They too are a former big-spending team, second largest market in America, broken by luxury taxes. Let's face it: The owners won. For 30 years, MLB players ate their lunches. Not anymore. The owner waves a white handkerchief, and the city builds him a billion dollar stadium. When a free agent comes on the market, he waves the hanky and pleads poverty. It's that awful tax structure, the one they imposed on themselves.

We stand two below .500 - merely 4 games off the pace for the final, wretched Wild Card slot. (We are 7 behind Baltimore in the division, but who even thinks about that?) Supposedly, the "brain trust" has decided not to trade anybody until the deadline, neutering the most interesting narrative on the 2016 team thus far: What might we get for these bozos? Coming up is a stretch with the lowly Rockies and Twins. For making that magical .500, it's now or never.

They say Gary Sanchez's cracked thumb is now taking balls at 1B in Scranton. (Am I alone in thinking this is a terrible idea? Our best catching prospect, being converted to first?) Mark Teixeira says he'll try to come back in three weeks. Love the guy, but he's hitting .180. For the second time this season, Michael Pineda has pitched back-to-back quality starts. No, we are not dead. Just hacked. Same as Roger Goodell.