Wednesday, June 22, 2016

The Yankopalypse is upon us.... RUNNNNNN!

Monday, Hal "Food Stamps" Steinbrenner - son of the Yankees' late owner - assured the concerned residents of Atlantis that all is fine, the flood walls will hold, and that his Pinstriped Pussies of Pedigree will be "buyers, not sellers" at the Aug. 1 trade deadline.

Tuesday, Yankee "GM for Life" Brian Cashman - adopted son of the Yankees' late owner - said the 2016 Venerable Veterans of Vacuum must soon "declare" themselves either as contenders or... um... something else. Both Cashman (aka Waylan Smithers) and The Li'l Boss expect another full-out run at the AL Wild Card...  the new Yankee tradition.

Last night, the team responded to their words...

One of the sloppiest games this season.

How do I say this? Well...

Take my team, please! Somebody, press the LifeFone Medical Alert System! WE HAVE FALLEN IN THE TUB! Folks, the wolf is at our door. The asteroid is in view, the super-volcano spewing, the mother ship has settled over Washington... Winter is coming to Winterfell! The long-awaited Yankopalypse is almost here. Each day, the voices of doom increase.

This morning, Wallace Mathews of ESPN puts it this way:

This from the Post...

Hal and Brian - (hmm... future nightclub act?) - may be the last couple on Earth still holding out hope for this team. Attendance is down 8,000 people per game since 2010, according to the NY Times. And the empty blue seats in the late innings last night signified the lack of excitement for this team. 

Still, the notion that the Yankees could be deadline "buyers?" Wow... That is some flat-out, Alex Jones-worthy insanity.

Seriously, what would the Yankees buy? A new wardrobe? Wait... I got it! A fourth closer! We could reduce every game to five innings. Wait... how about two? Then games end after four. Would we "buy" a starting 3B? (I thought we had one.) Three starting pitchers? Hey, why not let Severino rot in Scranton, like everybody else?

Whatever we do, come September 20, the Yankee lineup will probably look something like this.

Rob Refsnyder, 2B
Didi Gregorious, SS
Aaron Judge RF
Alex Rodriguez DH (hey, gotta sell tickets)
Gary Sanchez C
Brian McCann or Your Name Here 1B
Starlin Castro 3B
Ben Gamel LF
Aaron Hicks CF

Winning team? Nope. Still, they could be interesting. Right now, I'd take interesting. Maybe the Yankees can "buy" new fans. I'm sure ready to sell.


Alphonso said...

I read something that said, " without George Steinbrenner, this team is crap." They attributed the remark to Joe DiMaggio, but how could that be?

John M said...

Joe D's head was cryogenically frozen and brought back to life in 2014. The Yankees have signed it to a 7-year contract and plan on "helping" Ellsbury improve his game by stitching it onto his left shoulder, a la Ray Milland and Rosey Greer. They still haven't figured out if both heads will be required to wear a batting helmet.

KD said...

to reach the second wild card, we have to climb over the following teams: white sox, Astros, mariners, tigers, BJs, and royals.

'nuff said.

joe de pastry said...

Right on! {Yes, I'm a baby boomer.}
Hal knows nothing about baseball.
All he understands is $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.
Don't give him any of yours.

Anonymous said...