Saturday, April 27, 2019

Batting cleanup: Urshella... wait... did the Yankees just field their worst lineup ever?

In a Yankiverse not very far away, the Death Star last night stacked the bats of Aaron Hicks, Aaron Judge, Giancarlo Stanton and Miguel Andujar - back to back to back to back - in a fearsome lineup of power and fury. And they lost, of course. 

But here on Earth Omega, Boonie's bonerless bombers have now won seven out of eight, climbing to just two games behind Tampa and currently tied for visiting team in the 2019 wild card race. If the season ended tomorrow, we would face a one-game pre-wild card playoff against Houston. And in another Yankiverse, maybe seasons do end in April. But for now, let's not go there.

Seriously, I don't know how this is happening, unless we passed through a belt of green gamma rays, thrusting us into an alternative universe where the past and present have merged into terrifying hybrids. And there is reason to suspect just that.

Last night, there he was - none other than Tyler Austin, the man we converted into Lance Lynn, hitting .286. Not far away stood "Never Nervous" Yangervis Solarte, who brought us the Chase Headley Era, or as some preferred, the "Head Casely Era." (When we think of Cashman's highway robbery of Luke Voit from St. Louis, remember that the universe always has a way of evening things out, and Headley was our wrong side of the rainbow.)

If Afghanistan is truly the graveyard of empires, San Francisco has become the graveyard of the Evil Empire. The Giants front office - run by ex-Yank suit Brian Sabean - includes Dirt Tidrow, Felipe Alou and Dave Righetti, each who should still be a Yankee. The Giants have two World Championships in this millennium, which is one more than we do (unless you count 2000, which technically can go either way.)

I don't know how long this winning streak will continue. The Yankee lineup last night was arguably one of the weakest since the days of Rich McKinney and Tom Shopay. I half-expected to see Ron Klimkowski warming in the pen. Seriously: When you see the next Yankee half-inning will bring up Tauchman, Estrada and Paxton, isn't it time to go make a sandwich? 

But we won. And every win brings us closer to the power-packed lineup of Earth Omega. Where, of course, we will lose.

30 comments:

TheWinWarblist said...

Ouff.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


This needs to be a T-Shirt:

       Boonie's
      Bonerless
       Bombers




Anonymous said...

MR. DUQUE, I AM IN WONDERMENT HOW THIS TEAM IS WINNING GAMES, AS WELL.

EVERY TIME TAUCHMAN, COMES UP TO THE PLATE, I SAY TO MYSELF, "HE LOOKS OVER-MATCHED."

THIARO ESTRADA PLAYING LEFT FIELD?

TYLER WADE IN LEFT, AND RIGHT?

URSHELA? (WHO HAS BEEN AMAZING, IN EVERY WAY, GLOVE AND BAT)...

TAUCHMAN IN CENTER?

GARDY HITTING 3RD?

.....AND SOMEHOW, JUST LIKE THE MOVIE, "THE PRODUCERS", WE HAVE A HIT.

I'M WAITING FOR DICK SHAUN, AND ZERO MOSTEL TO SHOW UP IN OUR LINEUP.

THIS TEAM DEFIES LOGIC, YET I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW WE WIN THE NEXT GAME.

EACH GAME HAS LOOKED SIMILAR.

WE GET AN EARLY LEAD.

OUR STARTERS DO WELL FOR 4 - 5 INNINGS, THEN WE HAVE TO TACK ON A RUN OR 2 AFTER OUR RELIEVERS GIVE MOST OR ALL OF THE LEAD BACK.

WE KEEP MAKING CONTACT.

AFTER LITERALLY NOT BEING ABLE TO SCORE RUNS FROM 3RD BASE WITH LESS THAN 2 OUTS OVER 90% OF THE TIME, WE ARE FINALLY SCORING RUNS IN THESE SITUATIONS.

THROUGH IT ALL, 1 PLAYER IS STANDING OUT.

LUKE.

HE IS LEADING THIS TEAM RIGHT NOW.

....AND IT IS FUN TO SEE.

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE TODAY'S CRAPPY LINEUP.

HITTING LEADOFF, ZERO MOSTEL.......

Anonymous said...

SORRY, I LEFT LEMAHIUE OUT OF MY LAST POST.

HE HAS MORE CLUTCH HITS THE PAST 8 GAMES THAN STANTON HAS HAD WITH US SINCE HE ARRIVED HERE LAST YEAR.

NOT EVEN CLOSE.

PAYING ATTENTION COOP?

CONTACT AND CLUTCH HITS, (NOT HOME RUNS), WIN THE "LONG GAME."

KD said...

But soon all this exciting actual baseball will be replaced by the pursuit of those “glorious dingers” so admired over at RAB.

Anonymous said...

I HEAR YA, KD....YOU ARE SO RIGHT.

Carl J. Weitz said...

Anonymous/ALL CAPS:

Unfortunately, Zero got hurt in his first at bat and his batting average remains at 0. Ditto for Dick Shaun so their replacements straight from the minors will be Larry David and David Schwimmer. I hear they are pretty, pretty, pretty good players.

13bit said...

LBJ - ditto on the shirt. I'd buy one. I already own one of the official blog shirts. I'd buy one of these. How about an e-coli weiner, broken in half, as the graphic?

This is the norm, though - when enough of our big guns go down, the scrapheap miracles and young guys - the hungry ones who are still playing for something, even though it's just money, rather than team honor, they start to win. They achieve a mental focus that seems to elude the multi-millionaires who are getting rimmed by the Gammonites. They seem to achieve an intensity that Ma Boone is unable to generate in the "regulars." They are hungry.

How about we get all egalitarian here? One day in the future, every player on the team gets the same salary, say two million a year. That should be enough, right? I know I'd be quite happy with that, even if my career were only for two years. THEN, they get no names on the Jersey's - oh wait, we still do that - only advertising, but no names. THEN, the lineups are not made up at random, as I don't completely believe stats are the sole answer or we would have won every year. Oh wait, I forgot, we're not doing stats the right way. Neither is any other team, apparently. HERE is how the lineup is chosen every day, though:

BY POPULAR VOTE OF REGISTERED FANS.

ALL IN-GAME DECISIONS ARE DONE INSTANTLY BY INTERNET VOTE.

FOR EVERY RUN WE SCORE, BOONE HAS TO REMOVE AN ITEM OF CLOTHING.

IF THE MASSES FUCK UP, HE GETS TO PUT ONE ITEM OF CLOTHING BACK ON.

EVERY TIME WE WIN. CASHMAN HAS TO GET ON HIS KNEES AND THANK THE FANS.

HAL GETS RELEGATED TO ROBOT STATUS AND ONLY GETS TO SEE THE PROFITS ROLLING IN. this one is easy, he already doesn't watch the games.

IF WE WIN 5 WORLD SERIES IN A ROW VIA THIS METHOD, HAL MUST AGREE TO MAKE THE TEAM A PUBLIC ENTERPRISE, A LA GREEN BAY, AND WE GET TO OWN THE YANKEES.

BOBBLE HEAD DAYS ARE PUT ON HOLD FOR TEN YEARS WHILE WE PONDER HOW TO MAKE THEM MORE DEMOCRATIC, AS WELL.

I think it's a workable plan.

13bit said...

PS: I know that Bloshevism failed. This is a different kind of collectivism. I'll talk more about how we take profits in a future edition of: "The Galactic Yankees of the Future," available now on all streaming outlets...

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...


Can we go back to "for every run...Boone has to remove an item of clothing."

Hal S. has plenty of money. If we're gonna have someone remove clothing, can we please change that from Lorna Boone to Heidi Klum?

I'm sure he can afford to pay her. And her legs alone are worth the bux...

....think of the ratings gains on the YES network, Hal!!!

Anonymous said...

The giants have three rings this century. 10, 12 and14

Carl J. Weitz said...

13 Bit....after the Yankees won 4 straight World Series, Hal would pull a Margaret Whitten in
Major League and purposely sabotage the team. Come to think of it, if a casual baseball observer saw yesterday's lineup and didn't know the injury circumstances, they might think that Hal had already started that process. Hmmmm.

Rose City Wobbly said...

SF Giants fan Rose City Wobblies not too proud to agree that the quality of the team the Yankees fielded last night vs. our past Super-human Madison Bumgarner might have been no-hit in 2014. But hey this is not 2014 and MadBum has minimal tread left. Which means he may be coming your way to the Bronx come July.

BTW - Duque the Giants have won three - not two world titles - in this decade alone but yeah, yeah none others since 1954 while at the Polo Grounds.

While Paxton really showed up in this contest - eh? Justus Sheffield posted this line in his Mariner regular season debut. Not pretty over three middle innings of relief giving up 2 hits; 2 runs (earned); 4 walks and striking out 3; with 75 pitches but only 39 for strikes. He "labored" - would be the kind description. But came away with a decent attitude. Watch here if you can spare 2 minutes to never have back again. He's working on "slowing it down and breathing".

https://www.thenewstribune.com/sports/mlb/seattle-mariners/article229750699.html

TheWinWarblist said...

Hiya Rose! Bitty, my large son came downstairs in the official IIHIIFIIC t-shirt this morning

Mediasavvy said...

This statement bears repeating: "CONTACT AND CLUTCH HITS, (NOT HOME RUNS), WIN THE "LONG GAME.""

Amen to that.

HoraceClarke66 said...

13bit for President!!!

JM said...

Don't be stupid, be a schmaty, come and join the Yankees pahty.

After all, like all parties, this one will come to an end once the kids go home to Scranton. And $27 million goes to Stanton.

HoraceClarke66 said...

It is dazzling, and great to see.

Of course, luck runs out eventually even for the noblest of heart.

We will have to get SOME of the regulars back. But again, adding Red Clint, Didi, The Two Aarons, El Matador, and even a recovered Toonces to this team would only enhance it.

And yes, we're better off with Sancho Ics over Higgy, much as his every approach to the plate makes me want to look away. And then hurl.

The big guy we don't miss—and who may be away for awhile—is Giancarlo "Residual" Stanton. Heh-heh-heh.

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...


Are you sitting down? I just checked the MLB stats page for all 30 teams. According to it, the NYYs:

1. Rank 5th in walks (2nd in AL, to Seattle)

2. Rank 4th in HRs (just above Houston, 2nd in AL to Seattle)

3. 9th overall in OBP

4. 4th in runs with 138 in 26 games (Seattle has 182 in 29 games)

5. 9th in ERA

6. Have given up only 9 unearned runs (I thought ICS alone might have been responsible for that many).

7. #1 in strikeouts (NYY pitchers striking out the other guys), with 255 in 233 innings

8. Have yielded only 31 HRs (the Orioles, worst in MLB, have given up 64)

9. OK -- they rank #24 in fielding percentage at .979. Right behind them, at .978, are the Red Sox.

10. Have given up 27 SBs, most in MLB. Caught stealing: 5.

TheWinWarblist said...

Le Grand Rouge!!

JM said...

Grand Salami helps a guy's rep.

JM said...

Cessa! Bullpen ace!

JM said...

Cappie got Fat Boy. Closer than it ever shoulda been.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Yeah, another clinic in managing from Ma. Leave Cessa in to hit for himself in the 9th, then find yourself forced to rush in Chapman. We were just lucky that SF left their beloved hero up there to humiliate himself.

But never mind, a nice win, with a nice drive from Sancho and almost another one.

Some nice leather flashing, another good outing from a starter, and just enough timely hitting. All good, and in an absolutely gorgeous setting.

HoraceClarke66 said...

And aw, gee, Boston lost.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Earth Omega. Where have I heard that before?

HoraceClarke66 said...

Wow, Syndegaard getting hammered by the Brewers. Five runs in 4 innings, and the Brew Crew basically ran themselves out of 2 more.

Boy, that staff seemed so great. And now it's just falling apart.

Leinstery said...

These lineups would make me pretty depressed if they weren't winning.

ranger_lp said...

So Cessa gets sent down on 4/24 and it's 4/27 and he's with the Yanks stinking out the joint again. WTF are they doing?

JM said...

Being idiots? Just a guess.