Friday, April 12, 2019

Your Manny and Bryce Report

The night is bitter
The stars have lost their glitter
The winds grow colder
Suddenly your team is older
And all because of the men who got away...

So campers, time for your first Manny and Bryce report!

Bryce Harper has really been a dynamo for those 7-4 Phillies.  Four home runs in his first 35 at-bats, a league-leading 13 walks and .500 OBP; and a mere, 1.243 OPS.

Hey, Babe Ruth ran up a higher OPS than that SIX TIMES!  Loser!  I would much rather have Michael Tuchman.

Meanwhile, Manny is hitting a mere .245!  But he does have 3 homers, and an .811 OPS.  And the Padres are in first place.

In the field, Manny has a 1.000 FA on 42 chances.  At third base, which he supposedly was unwilling to play.

But WE have Gio Urshela, who everyone in the booth assures us is a WIZARD with the glove!  And who currently has 1 error in 15 chances.  And is batting .200.  With 1 ribbie and no homers.

And that's our report for today!  Be sure to tune in for the next one.  We'll be bringing these to you for  only the next 13 years!

(Where do you think Michael Tauchman will be by then?)

The road gets rougher
The teams you play are tougher
With hope you burn up
The Higgy shows up
There's just no let up 
The live long night and day—


Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...

Idle question:

Is it now possible for ICS to be picked off while inhabiting the injured list?

Anonymous said...

Just heard Betances going for more tests!!!!!!! Karma Baby!!!!!!!!!!! You f**kin liars will go to your name (Hell)!!

Leinstery said...

I haven't enjoyed this team since about May last year. Thoroughly unlikable bunch of losers.

Publius said...

How can Boone bring in Chad Fucking Green in that situation? Some fighting spirit from the offense, a glimmer of hope against a weak Sox bullpen. And if there is a single undeniably effective insight the analytics revolution has made, it is to use the best available pitcher in the highest leverage situation. So, literally anybody but Green. I'd say Chapman there, but that's too progressive for this supposedly cutting edge analytic machine Cashman has assembled. What utter fucking garbage. No Betances has shortened the bullpen, yes, but at a minimum Cessa should be available there. CC is taking his start tomorrow. Save Green for mop up duty in case CC spits bit. Give your team a chance to win this baseball game. Do not pitch the worst pitcher on your staff in a high leverage inning. Unimaginative, dispiriting, plain stupid management. Worse, it's reminiscent of last year's October shitshows. Pre-assigned roles implemented regardless of game as played. No flexibility or creativity in game. Which means they learned absolutely nothing after being humiliated by the Red Sox. Remarkably rigid, and fragile. Organizations which conduct their core competency in such a fashion do not long survive.

13bit said...

Cashman is going to blame ALL our woes on "injuries." It's going to be a tight-lipped press conference where he talks about 'tough breaks," and none of the Gammonites will talk about his shitty judgement in players or in sighing guys who are KNOWN, NAY, FAMOUS, for sustaining injuries. The Tweaked Gonad Brigade.

Fuck you, Brian.

Publius said...

True, but what injuries tonight? They clubbed around Giolito, but their vaunted FA re-signing Happ couldn't get through 5, thus taxing the already exhausted and overrated bullpen. Oh sure, Betances absence shortens pen, but the answer to that is not to trot out the worst fucking pitcher on your 40 man roster in a high leverage situation for the third time in a week. Who is making these decisions? What is the thought process? What are the data inputs? There must be a plan, there must be a process. Great. Congratulations, Cash. Your MBA professor will give you an A. But guess what? In the American League, that plan and that process sucks.

Joe of AZ said...

This team is pathetic....and fucken worst boring.... At least they'd be fun to watch if they were trotting out some up and coming youngsters.... But after judge fast forward to Torres.... and than hit the snooze button....

I'm sorry, in ten yrs binders teams never looked THIS bad at basic baseball...asron Boone is a fucking loser and so is our GM....and is it me or does it seem once the wisdom of Rothschild soaks in to the psyche of our pitchers....they promptly regress..that old fucktard needs to take a hike....

HoraceClarke66 said...

Agreed, Joe AZ!

I thought Girardi's game had deteriorated, but he never put this crap out there...including J.A. Crapp, our latest ace.

And like Publius said—it was not a clinic in clutch hitting, BUT...6 runs in 7 innings ain't exactly nothing. The lineup is at least making some adjustments to the injuries.

The rotation and the Arson, not so much.

Five homers and, I think, 5 doubles to that gang of mediocrities? Wow.

CollBull has the Yanks bullpen W/L now at 1-9. Once again, even with everything else, a good bullpen performance would have us in first place.

HoraceClarke66 said...

And these questions remain:

—WTF does Larry Rothschild have to do to get fired? Fuck a Steinbrenner trophy wife? WHAT?

I just don't believe that you can have 8 guys in the bullpen and have them ALL suck at the same time. The odds are just against it.

I don't believe you can have an entire system in which everybody takes a huge step backwards in the course of a year.

I hate to sound like Kevin McCarthy at the end of the original "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," but:


And you know, and I know, and the American people know, as Bob Dole used to say, where that is coming from. It can only be from the warped mind of Brian "Cooperstown" Cashman.

Nobody else on God's green earth would keep having players adhere to techniques that never, ever work, for so long.

I just wish there was one investigative reporter willing and able to look into what has happened.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Also, how can it be that "The Rally Killers"—Luke Voit and Greg Bird—continue to hit in key spots in the middle of the lineup?

In the name of all that is holy, let Aaron Judge bat 3rd or 4th!!!! For the love of God, Montressor!

Meanwhile, Manny went deep in a 2-1 SD win tonight, and Bryce was 2-5 with a ribbie for the Phillies in a win. (McCutcheon had 3 hits in that game).

What is happening?????

Um, just everything that we predicted.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Meanwhile, too, Mike Ford has 4 dingers in 7 games with Scranton, is hitting .448, and has a !.418 OPS.

Why. Not.

Anonymous said...

Great post by Publius. The Yankees broadcast their adherence to analystics, but Cashman and Boone are really too stupid to apply the insights consistently or coherently.