Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Greg Bird is now an official Yankee punch line

Last night, our "fully operational Death Star" crushed poor, sickly, defenseless Boston. We smoked them, we pummeled them, we whipped them, we whupped them, we gave them measles, we shrank their polar caps, we eliminated their health insurance, we burned their cathedral (too soon?) we gave them bad Yelp reviews; we redacted them, unfriended them, ghosted them on Twitter, canceled their Coachella appearance, impeached them in our House of Representatives... it was glorious.

And if we lose tonight, WTF will we have accomplished? A frickin' split. A worthless piece of misappropriated hope, a tie in the first altercation of 2019 - but no; actually, we would suffer a symbolic loss, because the Redsocks are not only playing on the road, in our stadium, but they are staggering incoherently in a tomato can-level delirium. If we lose, they return to Boston knowing that, once again, they won the battle.

But... hey, a win is a win, right? One game at a time, right? An extra day for our 13 injured ghosts to heal, right? Even in a Robert Barr redacted version of the game, they still scored zero. Right?

Oh, idle one night of hope, what hath thou wrought? Dare I think these thoughts...

Maybe Mike Tauchman can cobble together a Hollywood month, hitting like Kevin Costner instead of William Bendix. He's up to .200! But what matters is whether Aaron Hicks' back is healing. Where's the box score to show Hicks in Tampa, swinging a bat? Soon.

Maybe Gio Urshela can hold down 3B for another few weeks, before the gaskets blow and he hits the Mendoza Line. The real question is whether Miguel Andujar can return this season, or if it's time for Cashman to trade prospects for some scrapheap re-enactment of Chase Headley. Yes, I'm sure Chase Headley has grabbed his glove and headed to YMCA. 

Maybe Clint Frazier is here to stay. Do we dare hope? He hasn't crashed into any walls in left field, but he hasn't exactly been Paul Blair, either. One of these days, Giancarlo Stanton will return, surely as the full-time DH. Then what? Does Frazier go in a trade? After all the waiting and hoping, he finally makes it to the Yankees and starts to hit... and then... what? Our outfield heals, and there is no place for him?

And finally... I believe that I speak for the entire Yankiverse in saying that Greg Bird is now officially a Yankee punch line, enshrined in the Monument Park of our collective bile streams, along with the likes of Carl Pavano, Kei Igawa, Javier Vazquez and Jesus Montero. There is no coming back from another Bird foot injury, not with this team and in this town. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me six times, what the fuck is wrong with me? 

If Cashman needs a 3B, Bird must be part of the package. And for God's sake, Yankees, win tonight!

27 comments:

JM said...

Didn't Bouton say Blair's nickname was Clank because he had such bad hands in the outfield?

Poor Bird. To come so close, and have a career that never materialized. I guess he really put his foot in it.

Frazier should be on this team. Stanton should be off this team.

ranger_lp said...

The Master's HR call for Tauchman was extremely weak...

Anonymous said...

IN ONE GLORIOUS NIGHT, CASHMAN BECAME A GENIUS.

TAUCHMAN! (NO NEED FOR BRYCE)!-LOOK AT THE SAVINGS!

PAXTON! (NO NEED FOR CORBIN, OR ANYONE ELSE)!-LOOK AT THE SAVINGS!

URSHELA!(NO NEED FOR MACHADO)!-GOLD GLOVE DEFENSE, AND HE'S "TURNING THE CORNER" WITH THE BAT! -LOOK AT THE SAVINGS!

THAT SEEMS TO BE BOONE'S MANTRA....EVERYTHING, AND EVERYONE IS "TURNING THE CORNER".

WELL, MR. DUQUE IS 100% CORRECT.

IF WE DON'T WIN THIS GAME TONIGHT, A SPLIT IS SHIT...NOTHING...NADA. BACK TO SQUARE ONE.

WE'RE NOT BUYING IT.

Carl J. Weitz said...

I agree, Duque-time for Bird to fly somewhere else. I raise the white flag of surrender. Maybe to the Orioles, Blue Jays or Cardinals. Make it the Cardinals as Bird would kill us like Steve Pearce if he remained (healthy)in the division. An Ornithologically correct Cardinal uniform as Michael Kay would say. I have been one of Bird's biggest supporters here but it looks as though, whatever the reason, his feet will never completely heal. He started out well but you could tell there was something wrong again with him, physically. Maybe his body just needs a lot more time to be fixed than most. Some type of flawed body part. He's on a one-year contract and the Yankees won't renew his contract next year.

Carl J. Weitz said...

And I only mention those three teams because....well, they're all bird teams. Damn, I crack myself up sometimes.

Anonymous said...

AS FOR BIRD.....

CUT BAIT.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

WE WAIT FOR HIM TO RETURN, HE RETURNS AFTER AN ETERNITY, AND HE SUCKS.

THEN, HE GETS HURT AGAIN.

WE WAIT AN ETERNITY, HE COMES BACK AGAIN, AND SUCKS AGAIN.

LETS GET OFF THIS CAROUSEL.

PACKAGE HIM, SEND HIM DOWN, ANYTHING TO GET HIM THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.

P.S.) LETS REMEMBER COOP'S DESCRIPTION OF BIRD WAS, "HE'S THE BEST HITTER IN OUR ORGANIZATION" ....

HoraceClarke66 said...

JM, I don't get the joke. Blair won 8 Gold Gloves and barely played against Bouton.

Agreed on Stanton and Frazier. But alas, we can't get rid of Stanton.

I'm hoping this at least means that Gardy, FINALLY, goes to the bench as a 4th outfielder. Actually, it is time for him to go, sad to say, but Coops will never go that far.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Loved Bird, too—or rather the idea of Bird. Or rather the green flash of Bird that appeared for a brief moment.

So many of those guys in baseball...it is a pity.

JM said...

Maybe it wasn't Blair. Have to check.

JM said...

Right, it was Curt Blefry. Frank Robinson gave him the name Clank for his less than stellar defense.

JM said...

Gardy goes yardy! A Grand Salami!

Leinstery said...

That's my Gardy

Anonymous said...

Gardy GOAT! I was expecting an easy out!

HoraceClarke66 said...

Will the pen blow another one? Why is Ottavino still in this ballgame?

HoraceClarke66 said...

Nuni!

But we still need to get through a Chapman inning. Better get another 7-8 runs.

Anonymous said...

GET READY FOR THE SWEAT-FEST....

Anonymous said...

HEY HEY!

I LOVE BEING WRONG!

SHOCKING.

Anonymous said...

The only thing better than beating the Red Sox in a blowout is the Yankees doling out a come from behind grand slam pineapple.

Doug K.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Love that Gardy! Haven't I always said I love that Gardy? Why, I KNEW this was going to be his big comeback year.

And how about that Ma Boone? Cleverly not pinch-hitting for Urshela? Leaving Ottavino in. Genius!

13bit said...

Reminder, we're still a bunch of assholes. Might have said "bums" in gentler times, but these are no gentle times.

Still, a win over the Sux is a win over the Sux.

Personally, I think we should thank Dr. Olu AND, if nobody is going to copy and re-post his screed EVERY SINGLE GAME FROM THIS POINT FORWARD, I should probably think about it. Too bad I'm so fucking lazy.

Wezil1 said...

Do you think Gardy picked up a little magic cream from the good doctor Olu?

Anonymous said...

Gardner had one nice at-bat--a grand slam that would have been a home run in no other regulation baseball field in the United States. He's still finished--will hit in the low .200s and will provide only mediocre defense, as he has for a couple of years now. When Stanton returns, Frazier should be the everyday centerfielder and would be with no qualms or reservations on a competently run team.

HoraceClarke66 said...

You guys are right! Just like we had Dr. Obagon or whatever his name was last year, this season it's Dr. Olu, with his magic penis cream. I am sending for a case, and distributing it all, gratis, to my favorite Yankees.

Now if only we could get the IBS lady back again...

Anonymous said...

A RED SOX FAN HONESTLY TOLD ME TONIGHT THAT "YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY IF FRAZIER ISN'T IN THE LINEUP EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR."

I CONCUR.

Anonymous said...

....BUT YOU SEE WHAT DOPEY SHIT WE ARE DOING AGAIN?

CRUSHING FRAZIER'S CONFIDENCE IN HIS FIELDING.

JUST LIKE WE DID WITH BRIGADOON REFSNYDER.

JUST LIKE LAST YEAR WITH ANDUJAR.

NOW WE'RE DOING IT TO CLINT.

HE WAS THE DH TONIGHT.

WE ARE AFRAID TO PUT HIM OUT THERE.

HE HAS TO PLAY THE OUTFIELD!

PUT HIM OUT THERE AND LET HIM PLAY!

FUCK THIS CASHMAN WITH THE TRAINING WHEELS SHIT!

I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE.

.....(AND WE WON TONIGHT)....

HoraceClarke66 said...

Agreed. All right, tonight he was playing the hot hand with Tuchman (for a change), and you can' criticize him for playing Gardy. But in general, yes, Clint, Clint, Clint!

Once again, the bright side seems to be that the injuries have given certain players a chance. Mike Ford may be next (though it was a bad sign that Boone did not pinch-hit him for Urshela late in today's game).

Players have to play. We have to see what we have.

13bit said...

I would like to give IBS lady some of Dr. Olu’s cream.