Greg Bird is now an official Yankee punch line

Last night, our "fully operational Death Star" crushed poor, sickly, defenseless Boston. We smoked them, we pummeled them, we whipped them, we whupped them, we gave them measles, we shrank their polar caps, we eliminated their health insurance, we burned their cathedral (too soon?) we gave them bad Yelp reviews; we redacted them, unfriended them, ghosted them on Twitter, canceled their Coachella appearance, impeached them in our House of Representatives... it was glorious.

And if we lose tonight, WTF will we have accomplished? A frickin' split. A worthless piece of misappropriated hope, a tie in the first altercation of 2019 - but no; actually, we would suffer a symbolic loss, because the Redsocks are not only playing on the road, in our stadium, but they are staggering incoherently in a tomato can-level delirium. If we lose, they return to Boston knowing that, once again, they won the battle.

But... hey, a win is a win, right? One game at a time, right? An extra day for our 13 injured ghosts to heal, right? Even in a Robert Barr redacted version of the game, they still scored zero. Right?

Oh, idle one night of hope, what hath thou wrought? Dare I think these thoughts...

Maybe Mike Tauchman can cobble together a Hollywood month, hitting like Kevin Costner instead of William Bendix. He's up to .200! But what matters is whether Aaron Hicks' back is healing. Where's the box score to show Hicks in Tampa, swinging a bat? Soon.

Maybe Gio Urshela can hold down 3B for another few weeks, before the gaskets blow and he hits the Mendoza Line. The real question is whether Miguel Andujar can return this season, or if it's time for Cashman to trade prospects for some scrapheap re-enactment of Chase Headley. Yes, I'm sure Chase Headley has grabbed his glove and headed to YMCA. 

Maybe Clint Frazier is here to stay. Do we dare hope? He hasn't crashed into any walls in left field, but he hasn't exactly been Paul Blair, either. One of these days, Giancarlo Stanton will return, surely as the full-time DH. Then what? Does Frazier go in a trade? After all the waiting and hoping, he finally makes it to the Yankees and starts to hit... and then... what? Our outfield heals, and there is no place for him?

And finally... I believe that I speak for the entire Yankiverse in saying that Greg Bird is now officially a Yankee punch line, enshrined in the Monument Park of our collective bile streams, along with the likes of Carl Pavano, Kei Igawa, Javier Vazquez and Jesus Montero. There is no coming back from another Bird foot injury, not with this team and in this town. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me six times, what the fuck is wrong with me? 

If Cashman needs a 3B, Bird must be part of the package. And for God's sake, Yankees, win tonight!