Wednesday, May 29, 2024

Liza with a Z, The Fountainhead, and the Yankee magnetic poles: Ten reasons behind last night's misery

It's difficult to lose a one-run game to Anaheim, or California, or whatever LA's perennial tomato can calls itself. 

To properly blow a close one, you must fuck up on a million levels, like in a Spider-Man multiverse where Aunt May has a penis. 

Last night, mission accomplished. 

The Yanks conducted a master class in fuck-ups. Anything less, and the Angels - bottom dwellers in the sickly AL West - would surely have blown it. 

How did we lose? For the sake of the internet, I'll halt the list at 10. Life is too short.

1. 3B coach waves Gleyber to score from first on double; he's out by 10 feet. Can't even slide. Embarrassing moment, reminiscent of wheelchair-bound Liza Minelli being rolled out by Lady Gaga at the 2020 Oscars. Did we have to experience this? Why do all these things happen to Gleyber?

2. Austin Wells crushes one, everybody in park thinks it's gone, in orbit. You can imagine a certain call:  It is high. It is far. It is... caught. Ball dies at the wall. Wasn't this guy's superpower being a slugger? For the season: 1 HR, 5 RBI, .202. Higgy could outhit him. Maybe Liza!

3. Clay Holmes gets hit. Hard. Again. Third blown save. He is starting to scare me. Getting the feeling that no lead is safe.

4. Luke Weaver cuffed around, ERA flies to 2.91. Not long ago, he was 0.00. His career is 5.02. He was great in April. Where is this going?

5. In clever re-enactment of 2023, nobody hit after the fifth inning.

6. In clever re-enactment of 2023, 2022 and 2021, nobody hit after Aaron Judge.

7. Yankee magnetic poles seem to have shifted to first three in lineup: Volpe, Soto, Judge. Once Stanton steps in, you can feel air draining.

8. Speaking of Stanton, the poor man simply cannot run. He's our Liza. Yanks blew potential game-securing rally when Angels SS booted grounder, bobbled the transfer, scratched his belly, looked around, read a chapter of The Fountainhead - and still forced Stanton at second.

9. Rizzo muffed key grounder. Four gold gloves? They've turned to stone. Also, he's gone ice cold. Last 7 games: .125. Last 15 games, .207. WTF?  

10. Climate change. It's there somewhere, if you look. 


Jaraxle said...

Rizzo looks cooked. If Ben Rice gets bumped up to Scranton he might have a shot for next year. As for Stanton, now that he’s turned into a slightly better version of Gallo can we find someway to move him?

Pocono Steve said...

As June approaches, shades of June 2022.

AboveAverage said...

Personally, I can not get Aunt May’s John Thomas out of my brain.

It’s now stuck in there pretty deep.

Genius move on Hump Day, E.D.!

Think about it - all Lee, or Ditko or Kirby had to do was have Aunt May show up and whip out her other Peter and every villain big or small would just throw up their hands, turn around and walk, fly or teleport off the page.

I sure hope Tony Stark paid for Uncle Ben’s therapy…..

DickAllen said...

Hey! Let's get clear about one thing:

ANAHEIM IS NOT LOS ANGELES! Never was and never will be. The team is owned by a guy who makes Peter Angelos look like a genius.

It's a whitebread suburb forty-five miles south of here, and it is a dull, flat place that is not even in the same county as Los Angeles. You might as well suggest that Syracuse is part of New York City. So get off that LA hate thing already!

As the warm weather begins arriving (finally) out here - temps near 80 yesterday, the south side of the Yankees infield has turned to stone - as in Dick Stuart stone hands - and it's not going to get any better.

Are the real New York Yankees about to stand up?

AboveAverage said...

“Heim” with Dick on this one.

Doug K. said...

1) When I lived in LA from 1981-94 I used to go to see the Yankees play at the Big A pretty much every year and I don't recall ever seeing them win. This game felt like that.

2) Gleyber needs to go like now. According to Michael Kay, since May he's been 40% better than league average. probably because that set of stats doesn't take into account brain farts. Maybe there's an analytically inclined GM who will think he's getting a bargain.

3) Rizzo. Oy! He's done. It is very, very, sad but he's done. You can't have a 1B who can't field. Very sad.

4) The NY Rangers - Why did they have a guy on the first shift of OT who hadn't played all year? Seemed like the wrong time to be experimenting.

JM said...

Dick, Syracuse is part of NYC? Holy crap! You mean I could have just moved to Syracuse 40 years ago and still accomplished my childhood dream of living in New Yawk?

Does this mean NYC gets the snow trophy one of these years?

JM said...

Shit, forgot to mention...Holmes is not a closer.

ranger_lp said...

Climate change...the climate changes every day...

AboveAverage said...

JM - just to clarify - Syracuse is a part of New York State.

It is and never be a part of the City of New York.

You made the correct choice 40 years ago.

Plus the food at the Veselka was better and more affordable back then . . .

AboveAverage said...

(It is and never WILL be - dropped my will there)

Carl J. Weitz said...

Just beware if Aunt May asks you to bend over and take the meatloaf out of the oven. And she didn't have to buy specially made boxers because Spiderman crafted the undergarments himself. Gives new meaning to silk underwear.

BTR999 said...

Didn’t see the game last night, doesn’t sound like I missed anything. Losing to a second rate team like Cali is not acceptable. These WC are always death for this team

The team will definitely start regressing to the mean. Rizzo is done, afraid of contact, no longer able to play 1B. Holmes is no closer and LeMahieu is no answer. It’s embarrassing watching Stanton “run”.

Prove us wrong. Start by winning tonight.

Kevin said...

Here's hoping that Rizzo is merely tired. He looks like a man running in wet clay. At least we'll always have DJ....

DickAllen said...

Yeah, AA, maybe so. But if you've never had a garbage plate, you'll never really know.

It's haute cuisine for upstate New York, from Rome to Buffalo along the Erie Canal.

AboveAverage said...

Garbage Plates can be a mighty tasty meal to shovel down the pie hole.

Just gotta make sure that there are plenty of condiments to slather on - - - depending of course on the plate and the state of your taste buds.

Retired Stratman said...

I’m wondering if Rizzo is experiencing post-concussion syndrome, where symptoms recur months or even years after recovery. Most players go cold at the plate occasionally, but to see his formerly outstanding defense drop off the way it has is pretty alarming.

BTR999 said...

There could be something to that Stratman. Likely it is a combination of that, being afraid of getting hit again, and just simple aging out.

DickAllen said...

Speaking of going cold at the plate, garbage plates are excellent fare when you're semi-conscious and teetering with inebriation, but the real danger, with or without condiments, is the upchucking. I ruined a good pair of Chuck Taylor's that way. You only need to do that once.

Retired Stratman said...

I had my first garbage plate in 1973 after a late-night band rehearsal and a number of Genny Cream Ales. You never forget your first time.