Thursday, May 9, 2024

No Sho.

This has been The Week That Was for New York teams—and it's only Thursday!

The plucky Knicks—never thought I would put those two words together—despite suffering one awful injury after another, managed to scrap and claw their way to a 2-0 lead in their playoff series against Indiana, before ecstatic Garden crowds.

The raging Rangers have gone up 2-0 over the team once known as the Boston Whalers, including a double-overtime win before, well, more ecstatic Garden crowds.

Your New York Yankees, while lacking access to the same EGC, have pummeled the Tigers and now the Yer Cheatin' Heart Astros. Even the Metsies, low man on the totem pole, pulled off two, scintillating wins over the Claudia Cardinals, as the Polar Bear showed signs of coming out of hibernation. (Do polar bears actually hibernate? I would doubt it.)

So what did The New Yorker, renowned, nearly century-old icon of our town, decide to put on its front cover? 

Why, Shohei Ohtani, of course.

No. No Sho. Not ever. 

The Mark Ulriksen image has stirred controversy for including that stack of bills in Ohtani's rear pocket. Some Ohtani loyalists are demanding an apology. 

Not quite sure how someone like Ohtani, who recently signed a $700-million contract—and who, according to his version, plays so fast and loose with his moolah that his translator could withdraw $16 mill from his accounts without his knowing—can be insulted by this. 

But all actual New Yorkers should be.

No Los Angeles Dodger, and no San Francisco Giant, should EVER disgrace the cover of The New Yorker. Ever.

Those two storied teams, beloved by generations of human New Yorkers, took the last train for the coast, and left our city for dead. For their owners, New York was too dirty, too old, and—most of all, lest we forget—full of too many Black and Hispanic people, for them to remain. 

Well, Brooklyn survived. Harlem survived. Sure, we have our problems.  (So do LA and SF, to put it mildly). But to paraphrase our greatest president, this great city endured as it has endured, revived and prospered. 

Eustace Tilley can suck eggs.



AboveAverage said...

Thank you, Hoss.

(would it be alright to let the eggs sit in the hot sun for several hours prior to their Eustace suckage?)

Rufus T. Firefly said...

In another story that never should have been published regarding Los Dodgers:

And give the botulism time to flourish.

13bit said...

Thank you, dear Hoss, Setting the record straight and standing up for Gotham.

AboveAverage said...

Drivin' down your freeways
Midnight alleys roam
Cops in cars, the topless bars
Way too much Ohtani
Leave us alone
Leave us alone
Lone, Lone
Leave us alone!

Shohei Woman
Shohei Woman
Little Shohei Woman
You're my woman

TheWinWarblist said...

Eustace Tilley can suck rotten eggs from my rectum.

Fuck The New Yorker. Fuck Hal.

JM said...

Hal? Ewwww. Do we have to?

Alibi Ike said...

The Usual Gang of Too Precious Idiots

acrilly said...

On point, Hoss! “too precious”, love it Alibi Ike.

The Hammer of God said...

Amen, Hoss! Ohtani told the Yankees not to bother making any offer, because he wasn't interested in coming to NYC. How the hell can someone who didn't even want to come here be on the cover of The New Yorker? Unbelievable!

The Hammer of God said...

Our greatest President - I always thought Lincoln was the greatest. FDR would be up there, of course. But it would have been so easy for Lincoln to just sweep everything under the rug. (Let each state decide whether it wants slavery or not. Let each new territory decide the issue.) He didn't sweep it under the rug. And America paid the price through a baptism by fire. And Lincoln paid the price with an assassin's bullet. If not for Lincoln's fortitude, America would be divided in two and we'd still have that "peculiar institution" called slavery.

The Hammer of God said...

"Ohtani, who recently signed a $700-million contract—and who, according to his version, plays so fast and loose with his moolah that his translator could withdraw $16 mill from his accounts without his knowing...."

I heard retired boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr. carries $500,000 cash with him when he goes out at night to party. Ohtani might use that kind of cash to wipe his ass.

Yeah, I don't believe that nonsense that Ohtani didn't know his translator was withdrawing 16 mill from his accounts. Something stinks real bad.