Saturday, May 11, 2024

10 gushing takeaways from Friday night's big Yankee win, ranked according to delightfulness

1. We won.

2. Yank Zone of Death (yellow) went 4-18, but Rizzo drove in both runs.

3. Verdugo still hasn't hit since fatherhood. Guy is seeing Huggies.

4. Clay Holmes with an Aroldis save. (Bases loaded, full counts, heart attacks all around.)

5. Gleyber still flailing, as LeMahieu nears minor league rehab assignment. Something's gotta give.

6. Golden Memories: Hoping for comeback, Clint "Jackson" Frazier signs with indie Atlantic League team. He wore "77," perfect balance with Judge's "99." Damn. He was gonna be something. Next stop, Savannah Bananas? 

7. Thirty-four year old vet Jon Berti runs himself out of inning, trying to score from 2nd on an infield dribbler. Damn. Should know better.

8. Clarke Schmidt ascending on list of Yankee 1st round draft pick in this millennium. Current rankings: 

1. Judge, 2013, (unanimous.)
2. Volpe, 2019? (still hoping.)
3.  Joba Chamberlain, 2006
4. Ian Kennedy, 2006
5. Phil Hughes, 2004
. Schmidt, 2017?
7. Wells, 2020?
8. Slade Heathcott, 2009 (remember the HR?)
9. James Kaprielian, 2015 (whom we traded)  
10. Gerrit Cole, 2008 (though he didn't sign.)

9. Could cheapo Tampa, now one game below .500, decide to follow the Tankimore O's for a full-scale season collapse? Yanks could hurt them deeply this weekend. 

10. Luke Weaver still confounding hitters. Last night looked overpowering. Boone's main set-up man? Last year, he started. Could he be a rotational piece?


13bit said...

Let me gush some more

11. One day, Hal will be gone
12. One day, someone will replace Brian as manager
13. One day, Boone will stop doing interviews

AboveAverage said...

13.2. Because he’s GONE BABY GONE - BOONIE ‘Z’ GONE

The Hammer of God said...

Due to Holmes doing his thing, that didn't even feel like a win. Felt like gettin' saved by Peter Cushing from a vampire attack. Picture this:

You are visiting a foggy Transylvanian graveyard in the dead of night on All Hallows Eve. Out of the misty shadows appeareth a tall, incredibly beautiful lady with long dark hair, and large, piercing eyes. She rips open her blouse as she comes to you, and her buxom titties immediately inspire a raging erection in your pants. You've never seen a woman this beautiful, hot and ravishing before in your entire sordid life. She reaches down with her long slender fingers and unzips your fly. She's got your throbbing, turgid manhood in her hand as she stares longingly into your eyes. She's kneeling down, about to latch on to your manhood with her luscious lips. Forsaken pleasure and eternal damnation are only a moment away!

Suddenly, a hand with a silver crucifix appears in front of her face and touches the cross to her forehead. It is Peter Cushing, vampire hunter! With a horrifying shriek from the vampiress, the sign of the cross is burned into her forehead. Cushing cuts off her head with a single blow from a short sword. You are saved! Cushing informs you that he just saved you from a terrible fate: walking the earth for eternity as a dickless vampire. Because, Cushing informs you, after she drains you of your blood from your lusty cock, she will tear it off with her bloodthirsty mouth, and you'll be left unfulfilled and less of a man.

The stench of a thousand years of decay fills your nostrils from the vampire corpse, which is decomposing before your very eyes into a filthy, disgusting mass of putrifaction. Suddenly, your stomach turns and you feel an overwhelming urge to vomit: pfaughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

After thanking Cushing for saving your cock, you get on your horse and ride back to the village inn, pondering these strange and lurid events.

When you arrive there, the P.A. system at the village inn is playing Emerson, Lake and Palmer:

The bases were loaded
With Tampons and vamps
Nobody could save him
So he laid down and he cried

ta-da da-da-da
ta-da da-da-da

And ooooooooh what a lucky he was

ta-da da-da-da
ta-da da-da-da

And ooooooooh what a lucky he was

The Hammer of God said...

lucky MAN he was

sorry, i fucked it up

Pgpick said...

I have long felt that the Yankee “brain trust “ fucked Clint Frazer by just jerking him around and limiting his chances to play consistently. Seemed like nothing he ever did was good enough. On top of that Randy Miller had a major hard on against the kid and constantly wrote negative articles about him. Guess he was not reverent enough and actually showed some emotion.
All that said, I am wishing Clint all the best and hope to see him back in the big leagues some day soon.

DickAllen said...

Hammer, I bow down before your genius.

On the other hand, it's been some time since I could describe my erection as a "...throbbing, turgid manhood."

Yet, I am reminded of something Groucho Marx once said before he died: "After all the fame and fortune I've had in life, I would gladly give it up for one more erection."

Doug K. said...

Pgpick -

I liked Frazier originally and the injuries were tough luck.

That said,after hearing him interviewed a few times, I became of the opinion that he was that kid in your dorm room who accidentally kicks over the three-foot bong, time and time again...

And now the room is going to smell like socks and bong water for the rest of the semester making it even harder to get laid.

Doug K. said...

That said, I wish him the best as well, although I hear that in the Atlantic League they have clubhouse bongs. So...


As an aside, and as I've mentioned here before my bong was named Elka.

Doug K. said...


If you thought that was good you should read Hammer's Penthouse Forum stuff.

AboveAverage said...

Kevin -

Which Hammer lady do you think Hammer (HAMMER? I don’t even know her!) is speaking of:

Caroline Munro
Ingrid Pitt

I’ll take my answer off the air.

DickAllen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DickAllen said...

“ Forsaken pleasure and eternal damnation are only a moment away!“

I’ve been thinking about this all morning and, given the circumstances, I think I would have opted for eternal damnation.

And I don’t want Peter Cushing interrupting my wet dream.

Publius said...

We're feeling good about this team right now. But let's not get carried away. Big Yankee just gave Cashman's twenty-something daughter a show on YES. It also forced CC Sabathia to sit down with her for an interview.

JM said...

Goddamn Cashman. We have a guy named Berti and a guy named Burdi. To me, whenever an announcer says one, I don't know which one he/she means. They sound the same. It's a real pain in the ass.

Granted, it's not as bad as becoming a dickless vampire, but it's a real pain in the ass.

Pocono Steve said...

I guess we're just going to have to make use of the received British "t" sound (not the American "t"="d") so that the difference between the two names may be perceived.

JM said...

Compounding my annoyance, Marinaccio got sent down to make room for...Burdi? Wtf? Only Marinaccio and Hamilton had minor league options left, and Hamilton has been so good (I'm not as impressed as YES tells me I should be) they demoted Ron again.

This is total bullshit. Release one of the schmucks we're carrying and let the guy pitch.

He goes to Scranton and Santana is still there with his 4.98 ERA. Unfuckingbelievable.

13bit said...

Publius, I am still NOT feeling good about this time. This is all a setup for us to get crushed but, at the moment, I'm still glowing from Hammer's scenario.

BTR999 said...

JM, all about the options and that is another feature heavily emphasized by the androgynistic acolytes of analytics. What’s best for the team comes second, and who wants to come second?

Anyway, the biggest takeaway was SuperSchmidt, who pitched the game of his career last night.

I better shaddap before I actually wax optimistic.

Rufus T. Firefly said...


Regarding the kid that knocked over the bong,

That happened to Danny Vermin once...


DickAllen said...

If you take away this 36 runs they scored in three games, the run differential is down around 19-25 which makes the Yankees a .500 ball club.

Regression is on the way.