Brand new, high-tech stats show that Giancarlo Stanton is having a great year; we must be hallucinating otherwise

Great news, Yank faithful: You're wrong again!

In your deluded, anti-science delirium, you may have somehow conjured up the brain worm notion that Giancarlo Stanton was entering the twilight of his Five-Day Deodorant pad career, with ever-shrinking performance levels showing up five seasons before his Yankee contract expires, in 2029 - assuming we're still here to see it.

Nope. Forget that Stanton is hitting .230 - (with on On Base Percentage of .283) - and that last year he hit .191, and the year before that, .211. Nope. Those are tired, old-line, horse-and-buggy stats, cooked up by Amish troublemakers on their chalk boards and Etch-A-Sketches, enroute to the next barn fire. 

Turns out that Giancarlo is actually leading the majors in ABS, (see table) - which is not a bowel syndrome, but a way of measuring BS (Bat Speed, of course) - with a whopping FSR of 98.0.

Let me repeat that, in case you feel your eyes are messing with you: 

He has a FSR of ninety-eight-point-oh!

What does this mean? Well, WTF? It goddamm means exactly what it goddamm says: Big G has a Fast Swing Rate of 98.0 percent, nearly 25 points ahead of first runner-up, Kyle Schwarber of the Phillies. That's one big-ass, instantaneous, lightning-bolt-to-the-nuts swing rate. MLB.com calls Stanton the KOBS - King Of Bat Speed, aka, the "King of BS." 

[It's no wonder that Stanton just hit the two hardest home runs of the 2024 season. On his 119.9 mph homer on Wednesday at Yankee Stadium, he had a swing speed of 83.7 mph. On his 118.8 mph homer the day before, he had a swing speed of 85.1 mph. The "Stantonian blast" couldn't exist without his unparalleled bat speed.

Fangraphs puts it this way.

That brings us to another metric that’s now available: fast-swing rate. That’s how frequently a player swings at 75 mph or more. You can think of it, roughly, as the hard-hit rate of swings. To hit a ball hard, you have to swing hard. A full 66.2% of Soto’s swings are hard, while 11% of Betts’ are. Giancarlo Stanton is the league leader here, at a whopping 98.4%. That’s a mathematical description of the phrase “he doesn’t get cheated.” Stanton really does have the most raw power in the league, and he shows it on pretty much every swing. As David Adler noted, Stanton is the hardest swinger in baseball, and he leaves the rest of the field in the dust.

So, stop whining about Stanton's occasional strikeout, here and there, a blip in the overall scheme of things. He might be the slowest runner to first base since Smokey Burgess, and the greatest GIDP threat since Andy Hassey's knees gave out. He's the GOAT of BS, the Swinging Blur of Midnight Blue. Don't blink, or you'll miss his movement. Hooray for the wonks. They've done it again. As for Giancarlo, do we dare to dream?