WE WIN!!!!!!!!!!

8-0!!! WOO-HOO!!!

Happier now

The whole family is smiling. Thanks for your concern.

(But please tell John to stop singing show tunes.)

Not laughing

Don't want to be the turd in the punchbowl but I'm not amused. As John said last night, quoting the estimable Buck Showalter, "Fans watch the Yankees because they expect the Yankees to win" or something to that effect. Or maybe I hallucinated it. Whatever.

Damn right! If I want to be depressed, there are numerous domestic options. I listen and watch the Yanks because I expect them to win.

Dammit.

Stubby Solves Mathematical Paradox of Matter/Anti-Matter

The Philosopher explains the conceptual impossibility of positive-negative ionic interchange:



"You can't go from being the most feared lineup in baseball, which we were last year, and in just five months in the offseason, everybody gets bad. It's an impossibility. You might have one or two that drop off, but you're not going to have a complete failure."

Uh.

Elliot Spitzer?

Chance of a Lifetime......sign up today

ALPHONSO DOUBLES DOWN !!!!!!!

Giddy with confidence that his 11,000 - 1 bet is "coming home to Poppa" ( newcomers to IIH IIF IIc are reminded that Alphonso took these odds in Vegas, pre-season, that neither Ian nor Phil would have a NYY win by the all star break ), Alphonso is doubling down on a second long shot;

The Yankees will not score more than two runs in any game all year, from this point forward.

This opportunity for untold riches closes tonight at midnight. All indications of interest should be filed under

the " comment" section of this posting.

Confidentiality, in most, cases is assured.

At post-time, the odds are 403,000 t0 1, with $250 as the minimum bet.

Mega-million odds are 11 million to won, so this is your shot.

The Boss is Pissed

Hank might be squawking on his cellphone, but George is not taking the state of the Yankees well.

In Tampa Wednesday evening, he took up arms and rushed out the door screaming, "Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once."

He's headed north.

The Top All-Time Baseball Nicknames That Sound Like Someone Vomiting

Yaz
Boof
Joba
Eck
HoJo
Mookie
Youk
Hoss
El Guapo
Boog
Yogi
Moose
Heinie
Pronk
Giambino

The Day the Critics Cried

NEWSDAY: "... indescribably awful..."

JOURNAL NEWS: "... embarrassingly bad..."

KING: "... the world's largest commode..."

BONDY: "... horrorific..."

DICKENS: "... the worst of times..."

MELVILLE: "... the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole race from Adam down..."

BURROUGHS: "... any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'"

GINSBERG: "... destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked..."

ALPHONSO: "... a mix of raw human excrement and gorilla semen..."

IIH, IIF, IIc: "... how do you get this thong off? Damn, I need to sit in a bucket of icewater..."

Stop it, please, we give up, we've taken off the thongs!

10-0 in the fourth... in a game we really needed.

Moose, Moose, Moose... Did they secretly replace you with Tom Glavine?

10-0 in the fourth...

It's more fun watching earthquake footage from China.

10-0 in the fourth...

WAIT: HERE'S GOOD NEWS... That Redsocks kid, Masterson, is NOT pitching a no-hitter tonight. Just a shutout.

10-0 in the fourth...

Should we start rooting for the asteroid?

Who's Wearing a Gold Thong Tonight? Hugo Chavez!

Sez in the Boston Globe, Venezuelan bigwig Hugo Chavez -- Mr. Marxist -- roots for the most capitalistic team on the planet:

"The American Society of Newspaper Editors... saw a president who was both jocular and jousting, who would talk at length about his passion for baseball (he's a Yankees man, he told one editor), his history of blunt anti-American rhetoric (no offense, please)..."

We say: Attaboy, Hugo!

All that time he was shouting "Yanqui go home!" he was calling for an RBI.

At the United Nations, when he mentioned the stench of sulfur, he wasn't referring to George Bush -- but a Yank loss the previous night!

Welcome aboard, Mr. Presidente! How about sending up some oil to fuel the ballclub!

Think of it this way: We'd rather have Hugo than Lugo.

Trading Whiz Cashman Outwits Scranton in A-Rod/Britton Swap

BREAKING: The Yanks today obtained Alex Rodriguez from Scranton in a straight up, one-on-one swap that should silence, once and for all, any critics of GM Brian Cashman.

The Yanks seemed to steal A-Rod in exchange for middle innings reliever Chris Britton, a deal so lopsided that some called observers into question the leadership of the Triple A Scranton club.

Others called the trade a typical salary dump, a small market team yielding to the Yanks' superior money. A few stressed that Britton could turn into a solid pitcher for Scranton, giving them the upper hand, if A-Rod fails to perform.

Either way, those who claimed Cashman received little or nothing for Randy Johnson, Gary Sheffield, Tony Womack et al. will have to give him credit for this steal. Looks like he's got Scranton's number! What's next? Trenton on the honker?

Somebody's got to do it....

Someone has got to tell it like it is and, hopefully, clean up this Yankee mess.
I guess it will have to be me.

Here are a few recent " Yankee leave behinds," before I head on down to South Mexico to assist Chris Britton with his "re-introduction" to Independent league baseball.

My notes:

1. Our work is done. We rehabilitated the NY Mets franchise and set the stage for their run to the World Series.

2. The Yankee AAA position player closest to the major league level is former Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales. He is known for his great defense.

After imitating Alex Rodriguez's slick skills in mismanaging pop-ups along the 3rd base line, AG has focused on not hitting singles. His average has dropped from .300 to .237, which is about his career average in AAA. These skills are what kept him out of the Johan Santana talks earlier in the pre-season. With Arod returning, AG is only a few at bats away from our under .200 honor roll, and a free ticket back to downtown Scranton.

3. The gold lame thing thing isn't working. So what comes out next from the Yankee's magical clubhouse?

4. Who wants to tell me that Mr.Torre didn't see this coming ?

5. The IIH IIF IIc blog got a huge bonus on Saturday during the Mets-Yanks game. John Sterling gave one of his famous , " in baseball, ya just never know," speeches. Phil Mushnik wrote about Mr. Sterling the next day, " If ya never know , why do his home run calls serve as preface to foul balls, balls off the wall, and balls caught for outs."

Subconsiously, Phil was referring to the birth and rationale for this very blog.

6. So now the Red sox pitchers are doing what Cone and Wells used to do. Lester twirls a no-no; Dice K is 7-0; Kei Igawa is eating sushi and raw eggs.

7. Ian K comes back tonight for another walkfest and home run derby. It has been a long time since Baltimore was a contender. Let's see what we can do to help them along.

8. Savior Arod returns to the lineup, batting .146 with runners in scoring position. No wonder all the NY Sportswriters feel that the Yanks have their mojo back.

9. Phil Hughes is starting to look more and more comfortable on the Yankee bench, no?

P.S. For any investors out there, I'm working on a new line of postage stamps with tequila as the glue.
Adios, amigos.

Hank shows Joe what he meant when he said "by force"

Hank reacts to Sunday's night's ESPN debacle (click here):

Support Our Troops: Wear the Golden Thong

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE YANKEE BLOGIVERSE

Desperate times require desperate underwear.

Unless we act now, the final sounds of Yankee Stadium will be the cackle of Redsock fans wondering where they pahhhked theah cahhhhhs.

This must not happen on our watch.

As an remedy, Jason Giambi has returned from distant volcanos to render unto Yankumanity the legendary torturewear known as The Golden Thong. The Yankees shall be wearing theirs... snugly, tightly, crimping-up in places that Orioles and Blue Jays dare not imagine.

They need our support.

Today, we at IT IS HIGH are calling for...

OPERATION: SEPARATION

A roots movement within the Yankee Blogiverse to support our troops, each of us by donning The Golden Thong.

I have one on now. It's fine. Maybe a tad tight. A bit of a chafe. Not fun when you cough. But, owwww, goddammit!, jeez, it makes you want to win a ball game!

Says Operation: Separation Poster Child Johnny Damon:

"You'll feel it when you hit. You'll feel it when you sit. Be a pinch hitter and join the Golden Thong Patrol!"


Boys, Girls, Moms, Dads, Men, Women, Children of all ages...

'Tis time to stand up and be crimped! Join Operation: Separation.

The All-Time Top Baseball Nicknames That Imply Lousy Sex

Sudden Sam
Rapid Robert
The Little General
The Gerbil
Mr. Cub
Knobby
The Fordham Flash
Goose
The Toy Cannon
Mick the Quick
The Penguin
Squatty
Captain Hook
The Lip
The Vacuum Cleaner
The Human Rain Delay

Giambi's Golden Thong, a poem

On days when drives are flying long,
And pitchers wonder what’s gone wrong?
The Bronx winds sing this joyous song:
“Giambi’s in his golden thong!”
Each swing reveals Giambi’s might,
Each wince inspires his mates to fight,
They know too well his painful plight:
One ball hangs left, one ball hangs right.
He leads the veteran team attack,
True courage, he shall never lack!
He eyes the pitch, then takes his whack
As golden threads ascend his crack.

Then comes the time when life turns wrong,
When wins grow short, and losses long,
And Bronx winds sing their saddest song:
“Giambi’s lost his golden thong!”

A-Rod Hits Most Meaningless HR Ever

A grand slam, no less.

Oh well...

NOTE TO AROD:

Come home, Old Sport.

Your family needs you. Your friends need you. Your country needs you.

All is forgiven.

(Don't eat the airline food.)

Love,

IIH, IIF, IIc

The Critics Are Raving About This Plucky Yank Squad

Post: "... plenty of squandering..."

Newsday: "... free-falling..."

Times "... a team that broke down in all phases of the game..."

Damon: "... embarrassing..."
O'Brien: "... virtually comatose..."

Wang: "... upsetting..."

Bondy: "... hard to imagine a more humiliating moment..."

Harper: "... to the point of embarrassment..."

Abraham: "... need wins... not words..."

IT IS HIGH: "... need castrations, not words.... revolting... nauseating... disgrace to the good name of Giuseppe Franco... crimes against humanity... Cheney-esque... are there 25 open rooms at Gitmo?"

Yankee Horror Show Quiz

1. What was Bobby Abreu's famous nickname in Philadelphia?
a) "Tin Man."
b) "The Iron Horse."
c) "The Big Unit."

2) Why did they call him that?
a) Because he has no heart.
b) Because of his 2,156 consecutive game streak.
c) Because of his 6'11" height.

3. How many runners did he leave in scoring position tonight?
a) A lot.
b) Many.
c) Please, do we have to think about it?

4) Our last gasp came on a throw to the plate from shallow right field. Bobby threw it...
a) Off-line.
b) Way off line.
c) Please, do we have to think about it?

5. Oh, hell with this. I'm going to bed. There's always...
a) Tomorrow.
b) Next year.
c) The Tampa Bay Rays.

Down 4-0, I'm posting in a thong to change our luck

Four nothing, Mets.

OK. I don't care anymore.

This is the Internet-blog equivalent of Jason Giambi's gold lame thong.

I'm climbing into this thing. Ouch.

It pinches. It really pinches.

OK, let's see what happens... Maybe Jeter can get something going...