Sunday, March 23, 2014

Did the Kitten Bowl do something to John Sterling?

I missed the AM radio game yesterday. I was prepping for SU's big victory over Dayton and packing for my trip to the Arctic Circle. (No lie: I leave tomorrow. This winter just went too fast. Nothing beats stretching it out another eight days.) But our friends, the multi-headed hydra known as Anonymous, caught John Sterling in rare form.

First, he - or she, or they - noted that John sang "The sun will come out, Tanaka, Tanaka..." an incredible glimpse into the Kiner Klubhouse of melted metaphors and cultural references older than Henry Kissinger (a Yankee fan, by the way) that awaits the Yankiverse in 2014. Later, A-Non reported:

NOW I remember what pissed Suzyn off today. John was singing something else (not from a musical where Mr. Steinbrenner adopts a Cuban orphan) at the top of one inning... I forget how it went down, either he was singing something and then asked Suzyn who all those people in Yankee's uniforms on the field were, or he asked her and then started singing... but she snapped right back that she doesn't know because when they were announcing it he was singing.

Then we had nearly a minute of dead air. 

An open ended question, a musical interlude, and a long stretch of silence...

OK, essay question: Which is it? Hitchcock? Kubrick? David Lynch? All three? I don't care. Whatever. It's brilliant. The Master is breaking the rules, crushing the box that holds the laws of traditional play-by-play. This, my friends, is how revolutions begin. 

John also kept complaining that they were so far away from the field that they couldn't see what was happening... but reassured us if he missed anything he would just make something up... which I did not realize until later was foreshadowing one of his classic jokes. A joke he's been telling for years, but I did not understand until decoded with the Yankee Robinson talisman.

The most classic John Sterling joke is "You can't predict baseball," which like "how to serve man" doesn't mean what you think it does...

But seriously, how often does John say something-something "if you're scoring at home". It dawned on me just today... nobody on earth would both score a game at home, and base it on John's play by play. I mean seriously, if you think its important enough to score a baseball game you aren't even attending, would you then use the worst possible reference source? Writing your doctoral thesis? Cite "Physics for Dummies". How are things in Imperial Japan? Let's ask Tokyo Rose. Scoring at home using John's broadcast... 


Ahh, if only...

Listen: If my plane to the Arctic gets hijacked, and we end up bobbing for pallets in the Indian Ocean, this is my request: Promise me you'll scrounge money - whatever it takes - and have John sing "Imagine" at my funeral. My final note to Suzyn would be simple: "And you can tell everybody, this is your song..."


John M said...

OK, I'm getting really confused. There are more than one Anonymous roaming these hallowed Blogger halls, and it's impossible to tell if there are two, or three or maybe even more.

The Original Anon (OA) has long been known for his nasty, insulting, hate-filled commentary, a masterful Don Rickles of his genre. But now we have an Anonymous who actually listens to a spring training game (hell, I haven't even watched one yet) and reports in meticulous detail on the sexual tension between the Master and Suzyn. Further, he or she is answered by another Anonymous. Neither of these Anonymouses Come Lately (ACL) had even a hint of the delightful venom we've come to expect when that non-name appears in the comment section. Is one of them OA with his/her/its meds kicked in? Or are the ACL two distinct Anons from different locales?

Or are ALL THREE OA, finally suffering the psychotic breakdown we've all been expecting?

Today's deconstructionist comment commentary has been brought to you by Magnetic Schedule Night, April 11, as the New York Yankees take on the Champion Boston Red Sox. Presented By AT&T. Let's call someone...togethah.

John M said...

Oh, and Duque--we will find the money if the worst comes to pass. The Master will sing you to the arms of the angels. And not the California Angels of Anaheim and Sometimes Los Angeles From A Historical Perspective.

Enjoy the sardines!

Anonymous said...

John M. always initiates the acrimony, as in this spew of deranged invective, and then poses as the sanctimonious wounded child when he gets back a taste of his own toxins.

Moreover, he is a class-A baseball philistine. His contributions here amount to nothing more than an ego-salvaging expedition for a hopeless wreck of a human being.

Now watch him whine and snarl as he professes to abhor whining and snarling.

Hypocrisy on this scale requires bit-time stupidity--and John M. has what it takes.

Mike said...

I come here because of The Master but I often return because of Anonymous. Sacrilege, maybe, but true.

Have a great trip, duque!

Anonymous said...

el duque--if people keep spewing jet-plane carbon into the atmostphere to tramp around the arctic, in ten years or so there will be no more arctic ice. Then all the methane in the substrate will be released, sealing the doom of our blighted planet.

You should set a good example. Don't fly or drive unless you absolutely have to. ESPECIALLY don't fly to the arctic. This is tantamount to ecotourism, the externalities of which--more carbon spewed into the air, more use of resources to feed the tourists, more ecocidal infrastructure projects--that threaten the increasing scarce and fragile ecological wonders that the tourists want to ogle.

el duque said...

This is a mission. No turning back now.

Anonymous said...

Well now we know why the other anonymous stays anonymous... He's clearly a Hollywood celebrity or a democrat politician. He probably is posting from the Galapagos right now.

Anonymous said...

Dear Other Anonymous--
I am not, alas, either a Hollywood celebrity nor a Democrat (I'm registered as an independent, thank you). What I am is at least casually acquainted with the science on this subject, unlike you, apparently. Here, for the science-illiterate, is a primer from the American Academy for the Advancement of Science--consider it a tocsin sounded for the human race:

What you will find at that link, among other nuggets of FACT, is that 97 percent of the world's peer-reviewed scientists in this field agree that (a) global warming is real and (b) caused by human activity, with a 95-percent degree of certainty, and (c) will cause mass species extinction, including the human race, in a matter of decades if we don't turn on our heels NOW, yesterday, etc.

Now you run along and enjoy your baseball and your shiny new car, but keep in mind that the fate of life on this planet lies in the balance--the very lives of your children and grandchildren.


el duque said...

Somebody has to become Anonymous 1 and somebody Anonymous 2.

Like the things.

Also, I have never in my life served as a good example, and I don't intend to start now.

Beauregard Jackson Picket Burnside said...

Fine, I've made an account. Taking a cue from The Master, it's a Broadway reference.

Leinstery said...

Beauregard, are you the Anonymous that's obsessed with the Master? I'll miss the anarchy you caused with the original anonymous.

Well as the Master says, Anyways.

Redirecting this back to the question at hand did the Kitten bowl do something to John? Absolutely. He knew that he couldn't come into the Kitten Bowl out of shape, so he kept himself in form throughout October until whenever they filmed it. There was no off season for this Iron man. So while most are trying to get into shape during spring training, or like one Jesus Montero, completely out of shape, John came in strong and continues to show the world why he's the greatest.

John M said...

Now, the above is the kind of nasty, snarling, irrational word spittle worthy of the name 'Anonymous.'

Beauregard, how are things at Peckerwood? Nice to have a name to put to the comments.

Algore said...

el Duque is square with the environment and entirely ecogroovy. I have absolved him of any ecological wrong-doing, even if his visit is the one to unleash the cumulative flatulence of all creatures which had ever lived.

Don't forget to order your carbon credits by midnight Tuesday. All proceeds beyond what it takes to put fuel in my private jet will be used to purchase water wings for drowning polar bears.

Anonymous said...

Hey John M.--if you can stop foaming at the mouth long enough in your desperate attempts to disguise your stupidity, please favor us with a few of the equations by which you arrived at your stunning conclusion that Jeter will bat .300 this season.

And while you're at it, please prognosticate on Jeter's WRC+ for 2014.

This should be good.

KD said...

I'm sure the Kitten Bowl at our local Chinese Restaurant would have done something to John. I haven't the courage to try it myself.