Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Meaningless fact that I hesitate to mention: Derek Jeter is 0-for-9 with three groundball double plays.

It’s impossible to imagine Derek Jeter being bad at anything. If he played the Sandra Bullock role in Gravity, he would have won the Oscar. If he came to my back yard and started shooting lawn darts, he would win. If he takes up curling, he will win an Olympic medal in 2018. Anything he does next year – writing ad copy, weekend news anchor, real estate sales – he will excel.

So there is NO REASON we should worry about the fact that he is 0-for-9 on the season with three double plays. NONE, WHATSOEFFINGEVER. Frankly, we should NOT EVEN MENTION IT, much less dwell upon it. He is ridding excess DP grounders from his system, exorcizing unwanted demons from his bat. DO NOT WORRY. Everything will be fine. OK? This is Derek Jeter we are talking about. THIS IS NOT DEAN ANNA. If it were Dean Anna, I would say, “Buy this man a ticket to Scranton, so we shall never have to see his pinstriped plumage again.” But the name is Jeter. Got that? J-E-T-E-R. He’ll be fine. Clip this and save it. HE. WILL. BE. FINE.


Did you hear me? I said he will be fine. So stop reading. There is nothing here to read. There is nothing here to see. I SAID HE WILL BE FINE. DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND ENGLISH? ARE YOU SIMPLY SITTING ON THIS WEBSITE, LOOKING AT THE PICTURES? THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE. DEREK JETER WILL BE FINE.


Oh, I get it. You’re being stubborn? You’re wondering if I’m going to mention the fact that utility infielder Yangeroo Solartullah (or something like that, I could look it up, but out of principle, I won’t) is now 7 for 9. What if Yangerula was bitten by a radioactive spider and now has spider strength and agility? What if he was shaking hands with Jeter at the precise moment that lightning flashed, and all of Jeter’s superpowers were transferred into his body? Well, it didn’t happen. Understand? It’s the first five games of spring training. If in July, Derek Jeter is 0-for-145 with 60 ground ball double plays, come and talk to me then. At that point, maybe we’ll start worrying. Maybe. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT NOW.


A big one-for-three will clear up everything. Besides, 0-for-nine is just an abstraction, a number analysis that does not characterize the quality of at-bats and placement of the ball. If those double play balls had hit a pebble and bounced into the outfield, he would now be 3 for 9, and we’d be talking about how hot he is. Oh for nine? Three groundball double plays. Big deal. Pass the meat loaf.


What does it mean?


Nothing!


What should we do?


Not worry!


Whose name should we not even mention?


Nobody!


When should we never not stop worrying?


Always!

8 comments:

KD said...

Don’t worry about Jeter. Worry about Syracuse basketball!

Abner Doubleday said...

In case you did not see this. http://www.slate.com/blogs/behold/2014/03/04/bull_city_summer_documents_a_season_at_the_ballpark_with_the_durham_bulls.html

Alphonso said...

I will feel better if he gets a ball out of the infield.

Everyone hits into double plays. even Nunez hit into one yesterday, and he can still run.

My lack of concern about DEREK is that he is being doubled up on slow rollers.

I'm just making an observation.

NO CONCERN

el duque said...

Nor should you be concerned. Any of you. Not at all.

ceeja said...

Re juju rules: It's good karma to be slightly negative re Jeter. Predicting a last-hurrah 300 average / 200 hit season would definitely be the kiss of death. Saying that the old man will struggle a bit and hit 270 in an up and down season is definitely good karma. But all-out panic may negatively affect the balance of the force causing a Jeterian collapse as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

el duque said...

I'm and being hopefully pessimistic

KD said...

can you imagine the Master's bloated sclerotic liver should 2014 bring an epic Jeterian collapse? Friends, our juju must be finely tuned this year. The fate of our Master (and his liver) depends on us and us alone!

Ken of Brooklyn said...

I predict a solid year for the Capitan, not epic but not a collapse,,, there, a well measured prediction offered to the JuJu gods, wink wink.