It’s impossible to imagine Derek Jeter being bad at anything. If he played the Sandra Bullock role in Gravity, he would have won the Oscar. If he came to my back yard and started shooting lawn darts, he would win. If he takes up curling, he will win an Olympic medal in 2018. Anything he does next year – writing ad copy, weekend news anchor, real estate sales – he will excel.
So there is NO REASON we should worry about the fact that he
is 0-for-9 on the season with three double plays. NONE, WHATSOEFFINGEVER. Frankly,
we should NOT EVEN MENTION IT, much less dwell upon it. He is ridding excess DP grounders from his system, exorcizing unwanted demons from his bat. DO NOT WORRY.
Everything will be fine. OK? This is Derek Jeter we are talking about. THIS IS
NOT DEAN ANNA. If it were Dean Anna, I would say, “Buy this man
a ticket to Scranton, so we shall never have to see his pinstriped plumage
again.” But the name is Jeter. Got that? J-E-T-E-R. He’ll be fine. Clip this
and save it. HE. WILL. BE. FINE.
Did you hear me? I said he will be fine. So stop reading.
There is nothing here to read. There is nothing here to see. I SAID HE WILL BE
FINE. DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND ENGLISH? ARE YOU SIMPLY SITTING ON THIS WEBSITE,
LOOKING AT THE PICTURES? THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE. DEREK JETER WILL BE
Oh, I get it. You’re being stubborn? You’re wondering if I’m
going to mention the fact that utility infielder Yangeroo Solartullah (or something
like that, I could look it up, but out of principle, I won’t) is now 7 for 9. What
if Yangerula was bitten by a radioactive spider and now has spider strength and
agility? What if he was shaking hands with Jeter at the precise moment that
lightning flashed, and all of Jeter’s superpowers were transferred into his
body? Well, it didn’t happen. Understand? It’s the first five games of spring
training. If in July, Derek Jeter is 0-for-145 with 60 ground ball double
plays, come and talk to me then. At that point, maybe we’ll start worrying. Maybe. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO
WORRY ABOUT NOW.
A big one-for-three will clear up everything. Besides,
0-for-nine is just an abstraction, a number analysis that does not characterize
the quality of at-bats and placement of the ball. If those double play balls
had hit a pebble and bounced into the outfield, he would now be 3 for 9, and we’d
be talking about how hot he is. Oh for nine? Three groundball double plays. Big
deal. Pass the meat loaf.
What does it mean?
What should we do?
Whose name should we not even mention?
When should we never not stop worrying?