The world recently dodged a bullet: Chelsea Handler met A-Rod, and they didn’t reproduce

According to HSN, (the Howard Stern News network), late night pin-up gorgon Chelsea Handler recently encountered Alex Rodriguez at a party, when he approached her and asked - quoting now: “Chelsea, why do you have to make fun of me all the time?”

I can picture A-Rod doing that. He’s wearing that droopy, sad puppy smile, the look when he’s going to strike out, but he hasn’t done it yet. His hands are clasped. He's whining again. He’s staring at the pitcher, King Felix, while all hope has drained from his once-mighty bat. He's not with Kate Hudson anymore. He's in the big leagues. This is Chelsea Handler.

According to Chelsea, Chelsea then said, “Get away from me, you’re disgusting. You’re gross.” She called him a “buffoon” and a “f—king a-hole.” (I’m not sure if a-hole was a humorous play on words, because she is a comedienne.) If she had a phone, or rolled-up newspaper, she would have beaten him with it. It’s not certain how A-Rod reacted to this complete humliation, but I think we've all an image in our minds: As he walks back to the dugout, carrying his bat, he glances back once, to gaze at her. Then he takes his spot on the pine with all the other rejected suitors, and a long line it is, because after all, this is not Cameron Diaz or Madonna. This is Chelsea Handler. 

Speaking on behalf of humanity, I hereby applaud Chelsea Handler for showing the discipline to turn her back on a 6’3,” genetically honed, super-athletic, billionaire stud muffin, who may or may not have had other notions on that night - ideas he would have gleaned from Chelsea Handler’s memoirs or her show. Nevertheless, she “came through" in the clutch.

A one-night "Chelsea moment" for A-Rod could have been the worst thing, not only for civilization, but for the Yankees. Remember: We still have the bum under contract through 2016. Unless Kelly Johnson turns into Brooks Robinson, we’re still keeping third base open for A-Rod. The last thing Alex needed was Chelsea Ballhandler looking increasingly pregnant - and angry about it - while he hikes the comeback trail. And who knows? Maybe his stunning humiliation will cause him to push harder during workouts. Maybe a year from now, when he comes to bat in Tampa, he’ll look into the crowd and think, “OK, Chelsea, handle THIS.”

Now, philosophical question: What happens if A-Rod propositions Ellen Degeneres?