Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Five quick lineup tweaks that will have the Yankees again leading the AL East

Well, we outlasted Ted Cruz! We're not done yet. Here are five quick fixes to restore the Yankees to their rightful place in the baseball firmament.

1. Give beloved franchise President Randy Levine a surprise birthday party - (birthday or not) - and present him with an all-expenses paid flight to a luxury bungalow in the beautiful Marshall Islands. Once he's wings-up, have our "cleaners" in the CIA and News Corp. surgically erase every physical and digital footprint of his past existence. (Similar to what they did with Rob Refsnyder and Malaysian Flight 370.) Without any form of identity, he can eat crabs and live naked and happy in paradise until the shorelines - six feet above sea level - disappear for some reason - certainly not climate change, which right-wing political oil cans like Randy know is a commie hoax.

2. Promote Brian Cashman to the newly vacant position of President. Give him a pay raise, a better parking slot and a blazer that says President. Give him a cap that says President and stationary that says, "From the desk of the President." His new job" Decorating and redecorating the office of the President. He can also rappel down buildings for charity. (I like that in a Yankee President.) He gets to use the Yankee Presidential desktop click-clack.

3. Fire Jay Gould - I mean, Lonn Trost - and everybody who is listed on the Yankee masthead above the first human being with a baseball background. That's Gary Denbo, a former minor league prospect, who runs our farm system. (He's new, so you can't blame him for Cito Culver.)

Check out the bloated, nepotistic, salute to country club cronyism that runs the Yankees. I count 17 names above Denbo.

OK, let's compare the Yankees upper crust to that of a successful franchise. Here's the St. Louis Cardinals' masthead. I count nine poobahs and bean counters above the first baseball people.

How many hundreds of millions of dollars each year go to the top 17 names on the Yankee masthead? The Steinbrenners are billionaires. Their lone duty is to sit atop the mammoth shit-pile. Maybe we should shit-pile smaller?

5. Ooh-ooh! Jumpin' Jehovuzzat! I just got an idea, Muldoon! Hold a surprise party for the Steinbrenners! Give each one an all-expenses paid luxury bungalow in the beautiful Marshall Islands...

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