Monday, August 13, 2012

Let us now praise Eric Chavez

Some of you top baseball insiders have probably heard about the incredible mental and physical regime that Yankee 3B Eric Chavez undergoes during games in order to keep his frail, injury-prone body from deteriorating. It rivals the intellectual gymnastics that Alphonso maintains on a daily basis in order to keep up his finely honed bloggery.

Did you know that on the day of a Yankee game...

Prior to the event, Chavez denies himself food, water, intercourse and sleep for 12 hours, while wearing a suit made entirely of aluminum foil. He assumes a zen-like position and continually moves his frame in a steady angular fashion, never changing the routine. He does this outside of the stadium in front of a sign that says, Rudy the Mechanical Man. He generally supplements his income to the tune of $35 per day.

During games, Chavez must constantly keep his body at a temperature of 85 degrees (F). Between innings, he packs himself in salted ice, breathing oxygen through a hose, with an I.V. that runs protein and nutrients into his delicate veinery. In the fifth inning - unless, of course, he's scheduled to bat - Chavez undergoes a total blood transfusion. This is why batters are known to take many pitches during this inning. They fear Chavez having to come out of the dugout with 85 percent of his plasma.

After each game, Chavez is mummified, placed in a standing box and rendered unconscious with a secret Egyptian potion. This keeps his body from turning into dust.

It's working. Without Chavez, we would have turned into dust.

1 comment:

Joe De Pastry said...

Suzuki should try doing this stuff. Maybe he'll get revived by it also.