Thursday, August 16, 2012

Yankeetorial: This weekend, we can put down that old, sick mare that is the Boston Redsocks

They shoot horses, don't they? They walk Old Lizzy out to the back 40, stroke her nose gently, feed her a carrot, whisper nice things, thank her for pulling the plow, then go Steven Buscemi on her.

This weekend, we can put our dear old friends, the Boston Redsocks, out of their misery.

Mercy killing, that's what it is. Like one of those angel-of-death nurses with a needle full of Draino. Like old Doc Kervorkian on an emergency call. Once and for all, we can end this bad Ben Affleck movie known as the 2012 Redsock season. We can free Peter Gammon to savor another Labor Day, football games, the new TV lineups and the tumbling leaves. We can close the book on fried chicken, cancerous clubhouses, Carl Crawford and the little Teachers Pet who plays secondbase. A humane act. It's what old friends are supposed to do.

It's time for us to turn off their life-support and let them chase the white light of the afterseason.

Last time we played Boston, we gave them life. They took two of three, partied at home plate, hugged their newfound savior - Alfredo Aceves - and vowed to make their move. Then, poof, the league went Steven Buscemi on them. Their engine seized up - a trend that has haunted Boston for generations: Beat the mighty Yankees, then get spanked by KC.

This time, we must not err in placement of the needle. We must hit a vein. We must do the right thing. We host them for three games. Lose all three, and we tumble back into the divisional race - a horror show - even though it won't help them. They'll still trail five teams for a Wild Card.

If we win one - just one - they will limp out of NY, beating their chests... a comical portrait of the walking dead.

But if we take two, it's over. Done. It's will the last time we will ever have to face Josh Beckett in a meaningful Boston game. Quite possibly, we will never again experience Big Papi in a Redsock uniform. They will clean house. They will turn a chapter. This year, they punted on Youkilis. By this time next August, we may only recognize them by Teacher's Pet as second.

It's time to shoot Old Lizzy. Anything else is inhumane.


JM said...

Fair is fair. They did the same thing to Francona.

Mustang said...

I'm torn. Part of me wants them to believe until the day they're eliminated. But your point is well made. It would be inhuman.

Derek said...

Let's put them out of their misery...

Anonymous said...

"Boston Redsocks"? Really? Come on.....really? Really?......REALLY?!

JM said...

Oh, yeah, sorry. That would be "Red Stockings".

Alphonso said...

Just a minute here. I have never before seen a comment from Derek. Is this the real Derek?

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