Thursday, February 23, 2017

Enough of this negativity! It's time to push the Yankees/IT IS HIGH reset button

The first glimpses of spring - the Oscars! Fashion Week! the boobs of Kate Upton! - should inspire hope in even the most dour of sports fans. Yet lately, all I have noticed are giant death melons suspended from stressed bikini strings, set to obliterate earth. 

What happened to me? Once, I celebrated each singular joy of late February - scraping the windshield, jumper cables for the battery, feeling slush fill my boots, while each hip hauls that extra 10-pounds of winter cheddar. Now, I sit and stew about Chris Carter's impending 200 strikeouts, as if the season ahead will be a 24/7 performance art exhibit by Shia LeBeouf. It's like having Irritable Bowel Syndrome without the impishly sexy Irritable Bowel Syndrome lady constantly at my side, whispering into my good ear. What the hell happened?

Well, dammit... NO MORE! If my bowel movements must be irritable, I shall see them as a red-haired lady in skin-tight leotards! And if the giant death melons must crash to earth, I shall join the dinosaurs in happy extinction.

Friends, comrades, fellow Yank fans... it is time to press the 2017 YANKEE/IT IS HIGH RESET BUTTON.

From now on - at least until something awful happens, like we re-sign Swisher - I challenge each of you to look at the cheerful, hopeful side of 2017, and to not dwell upon the things that - in a lesser fan's gloomy, shallow eyes of doom - could be viewed as roster deficiencies.

From now on, I do NOT view the Yankees as a team with only three starting pitchers. We have eight starters -  (counting Dietrich Emms, who will win 15) - and we simply haven't yet boiled them down to the top five.

From now on, I REJECT the notion that Jacoby Ellsbury and Brett Gardner are the same player, two years past his sell date. They are legitimate stars who, having rededicated themselves to excellence, are approaching their career year  

From now on, I am CERTAIN that Aaron Judge and Aaron Hicks will become the Jackie Bradely Jrs. of New York City. Each will have a breakout season, providing the batting order with top-to-bottom protection. 

From now on, I believe without question that the 2017 Yankees WILL WIN the 2017 World Series. 

From now on... at least until I have reason to believe otherwise.

And I hereby challenge each of you to feel the same way. 

O, joy! O, liberation! O, bowel movement! And this is not a joke or slight of hand illusion. Baltimore, Toronto and Tampa each suffered a tough winter, and dammot, it's too early to bow before Zod, otherwise known as the Redsock '17 Hall of Fame Superteam of Destiny (TM). As we speak, Chasen Shreve is developing an unhittable pitch. Luis Severino just perfected his changeup. Come on, folks, spring is coming. It's time to believe, goddammot! Befuckinglieve.


Michael Forrest said...

Bartender....i'll take what he's having.

KD said...

we should also appreciate that 2017 will likely be the last year to enjoy The Master and his irascible sidekick. Let us savor each moment!

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...

Positive waves, Man!

Anonymous said...


John M said...

Duque is right. I'm sorry for saying Torre is a jerk. He's just a jerk when it comes to baseball when he has a non-playing role. Like now.

Otherwise, I'm sure he's a stellar person with impeccable character who married a young trophy wife and thought he should get a raise when the team won and also when it didn't because success was his fault but not failure.

Safe at Home remains his greatest achievement since his playing days, followed closely by lucking into the late-90s Yankees.

Nothing personal. Please remember that calling someone a jerk is a lot like saying your mother wears Army boots. It's not like saying your mother is a woman of the evening. That's another level altogether, and I would never say that about Torre's mom.

13bit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
13bit said...

Torre is history. Anyway, would a jerk preside over a new rule change that makes hidebound traditionalists like me suck my breath in and spit out phlegm? He would never do away with or preside over the demise of the intentional walk, would he? Only a MONSTROUS JERK would do that. Not Torre, though. Soon, I'll end my self-imposed baseball rules new media blackout and see what's up, but I have faith in good old Joe or, as he goes by his honorary British title "Defender of the Midges."

Anyway, enough about Joe. In honor of Duque's spiritual awakening and a return to his senses, in honor of the reset, I'm going to post a comprehensive list below of all the cool things we have to look forward to as Yankee fans this year, and I will leave out the IBS lady. She's special and I don't share her with anybody. Here is my list of the kickass things we have to look forward to:


Anonymous said...


Tom said...

I don't know, ALL CAPS. I've always had a thing for curly-headed gingers -- seemed like their passion was stronger and closer to the surface, including -- apparently -- their passion for irritating our bowels. Commercials on the nightly news normally don't get that kinky.

Nothing but good vibes here -- none of that FAKE NEWS -- at least as pertains to the Yankees, and if I waiver I will refer to the long list of positives put together by 13bit.

This may not last long. My resolve is strong, but I'm not sure how Cashman statements el duque can endure with a happy face and if Alphonso attempts to join the Good News movement he will have to refrain entirely from posting about anything other than whiskey. For me, it will not be difficult as long as my supply of Colorado edibles does not disappear.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

I look forward to listening to every single game announced by The Master and Suzyn.

I look forward to my now 3rd year of boycotting attendance of any games at Yankee Stadium, to paraphrase Randy 'Barf' Levine >why should I pay closer money (ticket prices) for a reliever (500 team).

I really look forward to the blossoming of the Baby Boomers, mistakes and all.

And I really really look forward to checking into IIHIIFIIC daily for some much needed clarity, philosophical musings and comedic relief!

KD said...

welcome back Ken of Brooklyn!

Beana27 said...

Challenge accepted!

Anonymous said...

I wish you'd let me know how you got hold of that stuff you've been smoking today, Duque - - I surely could use some....

Change the wige of the IBS lady?? NEVER - - not in a million baseball-innings. NO, All-Caps, NO.

On the matter of trophy-wives: damn, if we're going to condemn or snark any prominent man who married a much younger woman, then, shame on you, Jeet!! Get my point?? Joe Torre had pretty much focused on baseball for his younger years - - whatever you think of the results. I don't resent him marrying a younger, good-looking Allie; at least he had a daughter with her - - so his legacy can be passed on....OK, yes, he's a jerk for pushing that stupid 4 balls rule (everybody knows that two is good, three might be better, but four is too many) - - and I sure as hell don't want to see a man on second to start extra innings - - but I STILL doubt that those were Joe's ideas....and the commercials are, and still will be, the main problem with the length of the games.

Want a happy thought from me?? OK: El Cheapo, Randy, Cash-Puss, Lonn, the other Steinbrenners, and Joey Blue-Binders: ALL of them get ambassadorships, courtesy of the tRUMP administration - - the Yankees are re-built by a young descendant of Stick Michaels. THERE!! I feel better....but I still want some of what Duque scored - - or at the very least, some of Tom'e Colorado munchies. LB (No J)

KD said...

"Defender of the Midges". Hahahaha!

John M said...

Now, see, if Torre had married a younger woman named Midge, I never would've said anything.

Anonymous said...

That may be funny to many, John, but since the man has admitted REPEATEDLY to that being his biggest mistake as a manager, I don't think it's really on point; instead, to me, it seems rather unnecessarily malicious - - I think that you have usually directed your malice in better directions.
Go ahead and hate him if you will, but I don't find him deserving of that - - whereas, there are at LEAST 18 current Yankee brass who ARE worthy of your disgust & contempt.
Just my opinion.... LB (No J)