Friday, February 24, 2017

Nothing but nice: Baby Boss meets with Baby Bombers, talks go goodly

DATELINE: TAMPTOWN _ Earnest Yankee boy scion Hal Steinbrenner carves out time from his harrowing schedule to visit the troops in Florida, then whacks off an impressive email to the NY Post, saying: "We are all excited for this year and the years to come!”

To which this Yankee fan says, "True dat, Sir!"

Ahh, behold the gifts of a hopeful Feb! James Kaprielian is throwing! Jacoby Ellsbury is cuddling his newborn! A-Rod is offering wisdom, and Jeet is grabbing the dinner check. Chris Carter has not struck out once... not once, take that, naysayers. Nobody cares how warm it is up North. Let the glaciers calve, let the town halls boil with protest, let Ivan Nova grow a beard... no one cares, amigo. This is the land of hope. This is not me feigning a visit to the land of hope. Fuck dat. I. Don't. Feign. This is me drinking the bucket of hopeful Kool-Aid, full-on, mouth to teat, suckling contentedly at the nipple of Yankee optimism.

From now on, we at IT IS HIGH are going to own this positive outlook thingy. Get on board, everybody, or you will end up in Class A Pulaski. 

The pitching staff? Looks good. Tanaka is our ace, CC our bulwark, and Pineda is going to finally have the breakout season that separates him from Jesus Montero's ice cream sandwiches. After the Wholly Trinity, all we need are two - yes, just two - starters to emerge from the sperm bank of Chad Green, Luis Cessa, Luis Severino, Bryan Mitchell, Jonathan Niese, Dietrich Enns, Jonathan Holder, Kaprielian and Adam Warren. That's right, everybody. It's not a misprint. We only need two.

I know what you're thinking. ONLY TWO? Why... this negativity that has pervaded our Yankee winter, it was merely a mirage! Only two. From whence doth all the sadness and despair hath sprung?

Two words: THE MEDIA. Enemies of the Yankees. They always look on the dark side of the coin. Me? No more. I'm personally betting that Cessa, Severino, Mitchell and Enns all prove themselves to be MLB starters this spring, and by summer, Joe Girardi is using an eight-man rotation, struggling to find time for the emerging Chasen Shreve and - my fave, write this down - Giovanni Gallegos!  

Also, get this: The Yankees only need ONE of their two Aarons to become a star. They only need ONE of Ellsbury/Gardner to have a career year. They only need ONE Greg Bird to fly. Nothing bad is happening. We're all excited for this year and for years to come. Don't let anyone say otherwise. Only we speak the truth. All others news sources are false Yankee prophets. They must be eradicated from the face of the earth. Banish them from your favorites list. Buy a sound truck and tour Yankee fan neighborhoods, reading this message aloud. Call your elected officials and demand that they support the Yankees, as defined by this blog and this blog alone.

I won't sugar coat this: It's going to messy, weeding out the speakers of falsehood who pervade this franchise. But we have a plan. I'm not going to tell you the plan, only that it exists, and when it is implemented, it will be the best plan that the Yankees have ever known. That's all you need to know. Just be happy. This is gonna be incredible. The wins are about to come. 


John M said...

Everything looks so good, I might stop ignoring all the emails the Yankees are sending me about buying tickets...even season tickets...well in advance. If I can scrape up an extra 50 bucks beyond the ticket price, I might even enjoy a hot dog and the official beer of the New York Yankees.

Local Bargain Jerk said...

Here's more good news for Yankee fans, even if it only involves some particularly delicious schadenfreude.

KD said...

Oh, my. I hope I don't get tired of winning!

Tom said...

By golly, you're right! All of you!

KD said...

Woo-Hoo! It's started. Perfect against the Phillies through 6! DiDi and Judge homer!!

joe de pastry said...

OK you clowns, I'm sick of the Chris Carter bashing.
Yeah, he strikes out a lot. Have you been watching baseball in the last five years?
Everybody strikes out too much. Not as much as Carter, but few players struck out as much as Reggie, Mickey, and the Babe back in those days either.
Have you ever read Bill James? Ever read, or at least watched, Moneyball?
Ever heard of OPS?
Carter's OPS last year was .821.
Didi was .751; Castro .734; Gardner .713; Ellsbury .703; Matt Holliday .782.
The only Yankees with a better OPS than Carter were Beltran and Sanchez.
So how exactly does getting Carter cheap seem like such a horrible mistake?
News Flash: Home Runs are good. I'll take five strike outs for each HR any time.

Anonymous said...

Yeah!! Everything's good!! We WON!! (of course, the 2017 Team of Destiny, won, too - - but hey!! They were playing a college team - - and WE beat the terrifying Phillies)

Thanks for the schadenfreude, LBJ - - cancelled out some of the acid re-fluxing from my stomach.

John M: Be sure to save up your shekels, so that when you go to the New Cathedral, you can actually afford one of them imported German beers that you told us were so good....not just swill like the Miller Lite or Heineken I proposed....and certainly not Bell's Oberon Lager, with an orange slice perched on top....I know, those are for pussies, like me.

Duque: I hope they let you take your computer into that nice soft room they have waiting for you....and if you're lucky, it will be right next to the one tRUMP is destined to occupy - - then you would get free SS protection!!

Weeeee!! We're gonna' win so much, we're gonna' get tired of winning!! Wa-Hooey!!!

^$@&%$*^%&^&^)*&_+(*(_(*^&+*+)!!!!! encripted specially, so only true Yankiverse Members can read it.

BTW, I hear Jon Niese's OPS was great last year,too (don't believe the nay-sayers - - they're fake news - - Joey Blue-Boinkers will use him in extras, with a man on second-base, to, if THAT ain't a bargain, I don't know what am!! LB (No J)

Anonymous said...

Send me to Pulaski!! -m

Anonymous said...


John M said...

Upper and lower case Anon, you are correct. I cannot stand the combination of beer and fruit in any form whatsoever. However, I don't think it's for pussies. I just think it's for people who don't like the beer as much as they should and feel the need to add something else to make it better. But honestly, whatever makes you happy is fine with me, I just won't be joining you in doing it.

But you are also correct about the German beer thing. I didn't make that distinction. Now you can see why the $50 number was not an exaggeration.